1. My wife is attending a Girl’s Night Out. Far be it from me to point old that at 68 she is a PRETTY OLD GIRL!

  2. Sometimes things work out. My Uncle Leo wears a trench coat and like to flash ladies. My Aunt Virginia is going through “The Change” and has hot flashes. Those two can really light up a room.

  3. I’m not saying Trump is losing it, but at this point, I’m pretty sure he could not only hide his own Easter eggs but might be able to lay them as well.

  4. A New York Middle school teacher says she was fired over a topless selfie sent to a boyfriend years ago. It’s obvious the picture is from long ago. Her boobs are still perky.

  5. “I’ll be in the Feminine Products aisle,” my wife said over her shoulder in Walmart. I found her half an hour later in the chocolate section. Should have known!

  6. Young women have so many choices today. When I was growing up there were “sluts,” now a lady can simply choose to provide her love life as “open-source.”

  7. President Donald Trump talking about wind turbines: “They say the noise causes cancer.” Who says that? Who is they? Are these people that other folks can hear too? Or more voices that only speak to you?

  8. My wife HATES to be bothered when she’s reading. In fact, she has instituted a strict “you talk, you die” policy. Harsh? Yes, but very effective.

  9. National Library Week is April 7th-13th. President Trump plans to increase his personal library by 100%…and have two books.

  10. Being married is sometimes rather demanding. Sharon looks at me and says: “Darling, it’s time for Spring Cleaning, AND I AM ASSIGNING VOLUNTEERS!”

  11. So let me get this straight. Donald Trump is an admitted serial sexual abuser, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a con- man, a bully, an idiot and an oaf and Joe Biden is out of touch and doesn’t respect personal space. You’re right, get him out of here.

  12. Trump made fun of Joe Biden because five or six women complained that he touched them without their consent: “Beginner.”

  13. At my age I have got to stop chasing young women. I’d like to think that I’ve had my last “Miss” adventure.

  14. When I met my wife, I felt lucky as a gambler throwing 4 and 3 on a dice roll. Now, the bitch drives me 7 kinds of crazy!

  15. Call me old-fashioned, but I still can’t get used to nose rings on womens…it’s like their earring ended up in the wrong place.

  16. A musical tribute to Johnny Rivers and Junior Brown: “Da da da da da da da da da, Secret Aging Man! They’re giving you a number, and taking way your name…Secret Aging Man!”

  17. Dear Democrats. Please shut up. From now on, no bashing of any other democrat. You can say nice things about your guy or gal or decline to state, but that’s it. If you can’t help from saying nasty things, concentrate on the Oval Office Oompa Loompa. Thank you.

  18. Old girl, get out of my life.
    I can’t believe you are really my wife.
    Better scoot, girl. Your case is moot, girl.

    Hot hag in the city. Looking old and not
    too pretty. Old hag, not much of a talker.
    Got some fancy moves with her walker.

  19. With all the shake-ups in the government, man, would I like to have the name tag concession for Trump’s cabinet meetings.

  20. California officials are confident that there will be fewer wildfires this year. Must be nothing left to burn.

  21. Attorney General William Barr abridging Gone With the Wind: “Girl survives Civil War by wearing a dress made out of curtains.”

  22. I accidently wandered into a lesbian restaurant, and found an old favorite on the menu with a brand new name: Chicken a la Queen.

  23. President Donald Trump says he wants a harder line Immigration Department. What does that even mean? What’s worse than kids in cages? Is he going to put the bars closer together? Use a finer mesh? Blast audio of him giving speeches where he uses all the best words?

  24. Astronomers have taken the first picture of a black hole. That’s the first picture of a black hole in outer space. There have been many pictures taken of Trump’s cabinet.

  25. Trump wonders why George Washington didn’t name his home — Mount Vernon — after himself. Trump just can’t believe that someone couldn’t be such an egomaniac that he wouldn’t put his name on every building he owns.

  26. I definitely felt some spring in my step today. But basically April showers bring a bunch of weeds, mud and May flies.

  27. Muchos thank you’s to all the women here tonight. I need all the estrogen I can get in my final count-down to dust.

  28. Donald Trump could say that Jesus Christ was a fake savior who unfairly persecuted the rich and his base would claim the president was speaking in tongues.

  29. Sheriffs deputies responded with guns drawn to a report of a burglar locked in a resident’s bathroom only to find a robotic vacuum cleaner. The fuzz had a good laugh when they found that Alexa had pulled the shampoo prank on Roomba. You know, Clean. Rinse. Repeat.

  30. My wife is a monster in bed, and has been ever since she was a bride. I can put up with the screaming, but the hissing has gotten on my nerves.

  31. Gosh it was great to see Tiger win another Major. Now, if I could only win even a minor victory with my wife, I’d feel like less of a loser!

  32. If the Trump Administration ships undocumented immigrants to San Francisco, we’ll welcome them because we need more Uber drivers to take us to a wider variety of burrito shops.

  33. When I get home from work I can always look forward to a little R and R with the wife. Unfortunately, that stands for Ranting and Raving…

  34. The repair of Notre Dame is estimated to cost over $112 million. Trump offered to lend the money so long as they renamed it, Notre Damn-I’m-The-Greatest!

  35. I met a girl online named Wanda Thomas Fox and decided to meet for coffee. She didn’t look anything like her site photo, so I’m thinking WTF?

  36. Billionaires have donated more than $700 million to rebuild Notre-Dame Cathedral. Oops, make that $700 million and a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago.

  37. Couldn’t really hear Official Administration Lapdog William Barr’s yapping misdirection before the release of the Mueller Report due to the clicking of his toenails on the linoleum. And the drool was distracting.

  38. Happy Easter everybody. The best holiday ever. When Christ comes out of the cave sees his shadow and baseball season starts. Don’t eat too many peeps.

  39. The Ukraine just elected a comedian, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, president. That’s nothing. We’re being governed by a clown.

  40. Filling out an online form, I was asked to provide my gender. One of the boxes read: “Gender fluid.” I find this confusing…it’s like, hmmmm, what shall I be today…

  41. When I met my wife she was a stone cold fox. Now she’s just stone cold. You can file my love-life under F’ed.

  42. not saying i’m getting old, but these days i pee so much i don’t even bother zipping up my fly anymore. just wear a long shirt over it.

  43. Let me take a stab at this: One time, exactly once I make a joke about my elderly neighbor traipsing around in her yard wearing a ratty nightgown…and forever afterward my wife calls me a stone-cold psychopath. Women are certifiable.

  44. Walking the streets of Ann Arbor last night, I met an old hooker. Believe me, she was definitely past her “sell by” date.

  45. WARNING: If you marry a trophy wife get ready for some painful open wallet surgery. She shamelessly spends money like Perrier.

  46. There was a belly dancer today entertaining at the Senior Center. It was nice to see some shaking that wasn’t tremor-induced.

  47. Attorney- General William Barr is such an obvious lapdog, he should be recognized by the American Kennel Club as its 194th official breed.

  48. Starbucks has rolled out its new summer drinks menu, including S’more, Mocha Cookie Crumble and Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccinos. For those of you in San Francisco be sure to try the new Golden Gate Frappuccino. It doesn’t taste any different than other other Frappuccinos; just costs 10 times more.

  49. A bunch of Southern California entrepreneurs have built a robot that writes movie scripts. And it’s already got an agent. Bernie Asimov collects 20 percent, and supplies all the WD-40 needed.

  50. A ship that acts as a religious retreat for the Church of Scientology was quarantined in the Caribbean after someone was diagnosed with measles. Fortunately Tom Cruise was on board and was able to extract the germs, make a 178 foot dive off the bridge into shark-infested waters, bury them 20,000 leagues beneath the sea while John Travolta flew his 747 down to rescue everyone.

  51. Have you noticed that more and more these days Republicans have the same facial expression as a man whose penis was caught in a paper shredder.

  52. An early TV soap opera was called “The Young and Restless.” Fast forward to today with kids glued to their smart phones, and it’s “The Dumb and Zestless.” Yo, text me GF.

  53. After all the controversy about a horserace in Kentucky, it seems everybody wants to talk Derby to me.

  54. Paris Hilton is getting a little long in the tooth. So long in the tooth in fact, Triumph the Insult Dog wrote a poem to her. Your hair is like silk; corn silk. Your eyes are like pools; cess pools. Your teeth are like stars; they come out at night.

  55. I’m not saying the girl next door is a slut, but Virgin Mobile has rejected her application on moral grounds.

  56. My niece has always been a computer genius-type able to repair her own Dells, Apples, IBMs and such. But now that she’s had a baby her life has been turned upside down, and Chelsea is a mother, bored.

  57. To protest anti-abortion laws, Alyssa Milano has called for a “sex strike.” Her husband, Dave Bugliari, is looking for strike breakers.

  58. A Mom or Dad is the same spelled backwards or forwards. But a kid with the letters reversed is a dik. Just saying…

  59. How do you define irony? I stopped in at an S&M place and the sound system was playing an Elvis tune called “Don’t Be Cruel.”

  60. I innocently told my wife that 2019 was going to be “her year.” Luckily she doesn’t know that it’s the Chinese designated “Year of the Pig.”

  61. When we want to show folks our location in Michigan, we hold up our right hand and point it out with our left. Other states don’t offer this convenient mitten-shape, so we feel rather special and “pleased as punch.”

  62. It’s frightening. I’m getting so decrepit in the bedroom that I can’t even get my thumbs up…let me know if you’re reading these brilliant posts, fans.

  63. Have you noticed that folks are likely to accost an overweight person with cries of “Fatso!” but no one ever yells out: “Thinso!”

  64. I have a sneaking suspicion that my new Chinese girlfriend is a gold digger at heart. I’ve only been dating Ka-Ching a short time, but…

  65. I’m concerned about my girlfriend being less than committed to our relationship. On the plus side, she did give me a customer loyalty card punch-able for future discounts…

  66. I realize that no one can actually tell the future, but I do wish sometimes that my wife came with an expiration date…

  67. I like to write about spooky cemeteries, but my agent says readers feel like I’ve done the same old cemetery plot to death.

  68. I don’t earn enough dough to support my wife and girlfriend. Not having sufficient bread means that by the end of the month I am toast.

  69. If you sue a man for sexual harassment and get a financial settlement, doesn’t that make you a hooker-after-the-fact?

  70. Taking the stage: “I can’t see you…but you smell wonderful. Especially this woman here; I love a good blue cheese.

  71. Ford is developing robots capable of delivering the mail. I guess it’s just in case this car business thing goes South. I mean, someone’s got to drive those Chinese SUVs, right?

  72. The president is in Japan and his favorite thing is the Sumo wrestlers. Mainly ’cause they have a crotch move just like the one he used at Wharton.

  73. A new study says one out of five men cheat, and 13% of women. One question: who are these 20% of men cheating with?

  74. Congress won’t fund Trump’s border wall. Courts won’t let Trump use other money for his border wall. Will Trump ever read the handwriting on the wall?

  75. I don’t expect much from my wife in the kitchen, but today she made me a not very super Hero Sandwich. “Can’t you follow a simple recipe? I really wonder, woman.”

  76. The flesh on the inside of your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina. You’re licking the inside of your mouth now, aren’t you?

  77. You always see flyers saying “Lost Dog” or “Help Us Find Our Pet Cat,” but today I saw one that read: “Missing Kayak,” and I thought, well it’s probably dead by the side of the road…in the freaking South Pole!

  78. My neighbor has a tree that’s dropping an absolute arsenal of whirly-gig seeds, which are flying like helicopters into our yard. Imagine an unlucky ant riding one of these spinning missiles. That would sure be no picnic! Duh!

  79. Following a Ferrari, I noted a bumper sticker that said: “Dog Mom.” Man, that is some doggy style I can get behind.

  80. My wife asked if I’d like her to get her boobs done for our 36th Wedding Anniversary. I told her: “Faux sure!”

  81. My darling wife generally talks my ear off, but now she has laryngitis and is QUIET. Man, it is about Mime!

  82. President Cheesy Poof’s mantra finally makes sense after one simple misspelling is corrected. Make America Grate Again.

  83. At first my wife led me down the garden path, which was fine. But now this crazy bitch is definitely driving 200-mph on the psychopath.

  84. Roy Rogers had his famous horse, Trigger stuffed. He did the same with his dog, Bullet. When wife Dale Evens died, you have wonder whether Roy might have been tempted to preserve more than the faithful cowgirl’s memory. Happy Trails, indeed.

  85. The Democrats’ presidential field is huge this year. It’s because of the party’s new program: No Candidate Left Behind.

  86. Some of Trump’s favorites —

    Musical instrument: the lyre
    Pastime: liars’ poker
    Disney movie: The Lion King

  87. I was dating a girl with hearing issues who had done some serious jail time. She had a flair for the dramatic and would often go all the way to DEFCON.

  88. The President’s approval rating is out and it’s 42.4 percent. But that’s not too accurate. Most people asked think ”approval” means, Yes, I’ll have fries with that.

  89. The problem with being married to a masochist who believes in the Golden Rule is that she treats you just as she wants to be treated. Ouch.

  90. Thursday was Take Your Dog to Work Day. And that’s why Hope Hicks didn’t talk to Congress. Her doggie ate her testimony.

  91. My wife is still very naïve in the bedroom. When I asked her to bring a sex toy to bed she showed up with an Armadillo.

  92. My wife was sweet as candy back in the 80s. All natural with a PH level of .60…Now her PH equates to Passionate Hate.

  93. Somewhere along the bumpy road of marriage, my mate decided that her fists could speak better than her lips. Believe me, it’s tough being married to a punching hag.

  94. My wife has been experimenting with skipping wearing a bra. Sorry to say that so far the results have been a big FLOP.

  95. So Patrick Shanahan has resigned as Acting Defense Secretary. That means his replacement will be the Interim Acting Defense Secretary.

  96. I think it’s strange that companies promote DNA tests as gifts for Mothers Day and Fathers Day. Aren’t the kids trying to prove that you’re not their parent?

  97. My wife paid 25K to get her boobs done, and now complains that we are strapped for cash. It’s hard to keep abreast of this woman’s monetary machinations.

  98. The U.S. didn’t attack Iran after all. Trump said the weapons were “cocked and loaded” but he just couldn’t go through with it. Melania says he’s had that problem before.

  99. It’s official: my trophy wife has left me because I refuse to read her “The Pokey Little Puppy” for the 900th time to help her fall asleep. Her lawyer says I will be in the doghouse for the foreseeable future.

  100. The difference between dating and marriage is easy to explain. Imagine your dream girl. Then picture her snoring, drooling, and waking you up to say she thinks she might be a lesbian.

  101. You see the LGBT acronym a lot these days. Could this be an alternative interpretation?: Likes Girls, Boys, Trolls.

  102. I dated a ninja briefly but couldn’t get used to a woman who was so stealthy and quiet…she could eat Doritos and not make a sound. Creepy if you ask me.

  103. So I met this woman, Annette, and she is incredible except that she’s very controlling. OK, the babe treats me like a puppet. Bottom line, I will not marionette.

  104. My wife is overly conservative. She has a killer figure, but only wears a prim one-piece swim suit to the beach. I wish Sharon wasn’t so afraid of doing the thong thing.

  105. Being a gigolo is a male thing. There is a female version called a gigalux, but you don’t hear much about them. Trust me, either one is a very tough gig, and pretty low rather than lux.

  106. Sad to say that I may have to turn in my “Man Card,” folks. The other day I spotted a blonde siren in a heart-attack red bikini, and I thought to myself: “That poor girl must be cold.”

  107. Living near a lake is tough this time of year, with the endless nightly pyrotechnics and explosions leading up to July 4th. On the plus side, it’s one way to get some long-absent fireworks in our bedroom.

  108. President Trump met with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un in the DMZ. They shook hands, and then executed a barber of their choice.

  109. I’d like to get a drawing of my wife done. I’m thinking a chalk outline would be nice. Preferably on the ground.

  110. TV producers are considering a crazy mashup of Star Wars and The Beverly Hillbillys. The theme song might go like this: “Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jedi…”

  111. I think my wife is trying to kill me. First, for my birthday she bought a gift of hotdogs with unnatural casings. Then she purchased a mushroom nightlight for me…with a deadly nightshade.

  112. Sylvester Stallone, Action Movie Hero for decades, is starring in RAMBO 5 this fall. When I mentioned this film to my wife, she immediately responded: “What is it called, GRAMPO?”

  113. Computer dating is very dicey. The woman I met tonight had signed her post as “Road Runner.” A more accurate description would have been “Toad Runner.”

  114. I live in a hell-hole named Guilt, Texas. No one ever visits me. I guess no one in their right mind wants to take a guilt trip.

  115. Jerry Seinfeld is doing standup again and just finished a show in Vegas. I don’t want to say Jerry’s getting a little old, but he did his last set with his Puffy Shirt tucked into his underpants.

  116. I was a child prodigy raised by wolves. Give me a scent and I can follow it while humming Beethoven. Sadly, there isn’t much call for my brand of furry genius.

  117. Returning home early from a business trip, I knew my trophy wife had shared our marital bed with another man. Shining a black light on the mattress revealed her “Cheat Sheet.”

  118. I hate it when my wife gives me “pro tips” in bed. I’d rather forget that she used to be a Las Vegas hooker!

  119. I’ve made some missteps on my way to comic glory. When you get turned down to perform at an Open Mike, you feel like a worm in the Early Birds’ beak.

  120. My testosterone level shoots up about 300 nanograms whenever bikini season begins. Too bad I’m married to a Grandma named Nan.

  121. My wife says I frequently invade her “personal space.” It seems her comfort zone is located in the next room.

  122. From the Acmehumor Dictionary For Our Troubled Times.
    Bullionaire: A bullshit artist with a lot of money.

  123. The last time I could reasonably describe my wife as “Hot” was several decades ago when she was experiencing hot flashes.

  124. My niece says she isn’t a hooker. She insists that she’s just “monetizing herself.” Oh, thank god, I was concerned.

  125. Internet dating has it’s problems. The female at Starbucks was stunning, with a blonde beehive hair-do…first words out of her mouth? “Let’s talk money, honey.”

  126. I have a few dollars to my name so keeping gold-diggers off-scent is sometimes difficult. These chicks smell my Franklins and say “Where have you BEN all my life?”

  127. Women fascinate me. Mood swings are to be tolerated, but a single wrong word can send me, not just to the Dog House, but to the basement of the Dog House. Oooowwwww!

  128. Stepping out to entertain the senior crowd this weekend…Quick, call the Cringe Police! If no one dies during my set I’ll rate it as a big old success.

  129. I picture my wife as a Greek Goddess playing one of those little harp instruments. That would be perfect for her…the Lyre!

  130. Sometimes between my wife and kids craziness I feel like I’m living in a horror movie. The title could be: “House of Wacks!”

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