Valentine’s Day was last Thursday and the sale of candy, flowers, and sexy lingerie quadrupled. Who would have thought there were so many toilet seats left up that morning.
Matt Kuchar has agreed to pay caddy full amount for win in Mexico. And rightly so. After all, he handled Kuchar’s bag, washed his balls, straightened out his putter–and on top of all that, caddied for him.
Levi-Strauss is going public next month, offering stock for the first time in nearly 50 years. Up till then, the only time Levis had a showing on Wall Street was when some guy left his zipper down.
General Motors announced plans to build and sell an electric bicycle. You can ride it to work, you can ride it to the store. Plus, if the need arises, it’s got a secret media device. In the likely event of a geek shaming you can easily clip the bike to an Uber bumper.
Yesterday the San Diego Padres owner, Ron Fowler, gave Manny Machado a 10 year $300 Million contract.
*This marks the first time in Major League Baseball history that an owner was immediately tested for both ‘concussion protocol’ and ‘illegal drugs’ at the same time!
My wife is jealous of the guitars in my collection. “I don’t know why I even bother wearing sexy lingerie,” she pouts. “You’re more interested in THEIR G-strings.”
Roger Stone called posting a photo of the presiding judge with crosshairs near her head “a momentary lapse of judgment.” How many momentary lapses of judgment in a row before you qualify as a congenital dickweed? Shouldn’t 40 years of momentary lapses qualify?
Like some other Americans my wife and I are receiving a tinier tax refund than what we were hoping for. My wife hasn’t been this disappointed over something smaller than expected since our wedding night.
If The Donald gets relieved of his Chief- Executive position he can still maintain his exposure by producing a documentary on his hair. Probably set off a bidding way between The Syfy Network and Animal Planet with Comedy Central an outside possibility.
My Uncle Charlie always cheats on his taxes. This year he’s deducting money spent on a visit to the Mustang Ranch as a charitable contribution to a horse rescue.
I got an email that asked if I’d be interested in “having real conversation with a variety of totally natural womens.” I thought, sure, why not? The more, the hairier.
Got busted for walking down the street drinking a Coors Light. Told the cop I thought this was an open carry state. She said yes, but only for Colt 45 Malt Liquor.
Women know the score. Men want to.
Girls can be like crows. They like shiny objects, such as diamonds. But usually not shiny heads, unfortunately.
Trump in ‘very good health overall’ but obese, according to physical exam results. Trump needs to build a wall around the fridge.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day
*Today is, “Susanne from HR needs to talk to you about three separate incidents that freaked out the new interns,” day!
The only Bill more unpopular than this new spending bill is Bill Cosby!!
Valentine’s Day was last Thursday and the sale of candy, flowers, and sexy lingerie quadrupled. Who would have thought there were so many toilet seats left up that morning.
Sometimes I feel like Mr. Moto. But not exactly. More a kind of quasi-Moto.
Matt Kuchar has agreed to pay caddy full amount for win in Mexico. And rightly so. After all, he handled Kuchar’s bag, washed his balls, straightened out his putter–and on top of all that, caddied for him.
My wife doesn’t like my new laptop. Her name is Bonnie.
Levi-Strauss is going public next month, offering stock for the first time in nearly 50 years. Up till then, the only time Levis had a showing on Wall Street was when some guy left his zipper down.
If Saturday Night Live keeps it up do you think Trump will resign in frustration?
After 36 years of marriage “date night” means finding the freaking prune juice at 1 AM.
President’s Day, Monday, February 19th, the day we celebrate all our presidents. Except one. We celebrate him on April 1st.
What we see in the White House these days seems un-Presidented.
If you’re reading this at work right now, then your boss hates America, too!
Come to think of it, the holiday where you sit around doing nothing all day should be called, “Vice President’s Day!!” …we have it all wrong!
Nice! Let’s all celebrate our vices. Mine is in the basement attached to the workbench.
Nice, mb!
*After watching #FoxNews this morning I was too embarrassed to celebrate President’s Day!
Happy President’s Day everybody. Time to sit back and reflect on the good ol’ days when we actually had one.
General Motors announced plans to build and sell an electric bicycle. You can ride it to work, you can ride it to the store. Plus, if the need arises, it’s got a secret media device. In the likely event of a geek shaming you can easily clip the bike to an Uber bumper.
My pet rock just passed a kidney stone.
Wow! That’s a real Beast of Burden. I hope it achieved Satisfaction.
Trust me, it isn’t easy being a Rock God. A lot of people take me for granite.
Bernie Sanders just announced he is running for president again; pretty sure his campaign website will be: heyyoukidsgetoffmylawn.com.
I feel like I’ve been railroaded into marrying my 20-something wife. And all because I fell in love with her caboose…
The first time I met my wife I was hooked. She said she loved fishing, and I found that so alluring…
Anthony Weiner’s out of prison. How long before he throws his junk into the ring for 2020?
Yesterday the San Diego Padres owner, Ron Fowler, gave Manny Machado a 10 year $300 Million contract.
*This marks the first time in Major League Baseball history that an owner was immediately tested for both ‘concussion protocol’ and ‘illegal drugs’ at the same time!
Manny Machado just signed a $300 Million contract with the MLB Padres of San Diego.
*When asked what he was planning to do with all that money, Machado said, “Buy the San Diego Padres!”
Super Snow Moon fills the sky this morning with a moon that’s about 10% closer to earth than normal …appearing much bigger.
*The only thing ‘Not Super’ about this moon is the pictures from Instagram and Facebook users!
My wife is jealous of the guitars in my collection. “I don’t know why I even bother wearing sexy lingerie,” she pouts. “You’re more interested in THEIR G-strings.”
Life is all a matter of perspective: One night a mouse looked up at the sky and saw a bat and thought “OMG! An angel!”
To call Donald Trump a weasel is to impugn an entire genus of proud indigenous American rodents.
Sometimes smaller is better: Miniskirts, thong underwear, noses…but when it comes to brains, I gotta go big or go home…alone.
Roger Stone called posting a photo of the presiding judge with crosshairs near her head “a momentary lapse of judgment.” How many momentary lapses of judgment in a row before you qualify as a congenital dickweed? Shouldn’t 40 years of momentary lapses qualify?
Like some other Americans my wife and I are receiving a tinier tax refund than what we were hoping for. My wife hasn’t been this disappointed over something smaller than expected since our wedding night.
Envelope please! Best Actor/Actress goes to…The American people for acting like we don’t have a madman on Pennsylvania Avenue.
My elderly uncle thinks you can deduct adult diapers from your taxes. He says the form asks for number of depends.
I’ve been defeated at Scrabble so many times that I’m at a loss for words.
The “Empire” TV show actor who staged his own racial/gay inspired attack has been fired from the hit show. The Empire REALLY Strikes Back!
If The Donald gets relieved of his Chief- Executive position he can still maintain his exposure by producing a documentary on his hair. Probably set off a bidding way between The Syfy Network and Animal Planet with Comedy Central an outside possibility.
My Uncle Charlie always cheats on his taxes. This year he’s deducting money spent on a visit to the Mustang Ranch as a charitable contribution to a horse rescue.
I got an email that asked if I’d be interested in “having real conversation with a variety of totally natural womens.” I thought, sure, why not? The more, the hairier.
I filed a 1040 tax form. Apparently, 1040 refers to the number of instructions.
Got busted for walking down the street drinking a Coors Light. Told the cop I thought this was an open carry state. She said yes, but only for Colt 45 Malt Liquor.
Big news from the Academy Awards: a woman won best actress! These days of diversity you never know…
Call me a traditionalist, but when the award for Best Actress was given to a woman, I was relieved.
President Bone Spur is on his way to Vietnam, finally. Wonder if he’ll bag any gooks?