1. When I first met my motorcyle-riding, mini-skirt-wearing, gal, she was a real Bad Ass. Now, she’s basically a witch with a, um, bad ass…

  2. Trump has warned people about a storm that’s “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Not sure if he means Florence or Daniels.

  3. U.S. fighter jets intercepted two Russian bombers near Alaska. Sarah Palin tried to bring them down with a high-powered hunting rifle.

  4. A member of the Russian punk protest group Pussy Riot has been hospitalized in grave condition for what could be a possible poisoning. I bet something was Putin his drink.

  5. After evacuation, security cameras inside a Washington, D.C., condo revealed a fire alarm set off by a rat. All residents were evacuated safely and there was no building damage. Authorities still have no idea why Donald Trump Jr. was inside the building.

  6. Willie Nelson fans furious over announcement that he’ll headline a rally for a Dem candidate. Fans wonder what Willie is smoking. I thought he would support the Green Party.

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