1. A Minnesota dog’s owner announced Duke is retiring as the city’s mayor after being elected to four terms in office. The K9 mayor disclosed he wants to spend more time sniffing his family.

  2. Michael Jackson’s elephant Ali, escaped from his new home at the Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens in Florida. He was quickly caught because his disguise was kinda’ lame. Four glittery hooves, one white glove and a beret.

  3. If you’re worried about losing your job to someone with a third grade education who doesn’t speak English, maybe illegal immigration isn’t your biggest problem.

  4. My wife was worried when my doctor put me on a blood thinner. I tried to ease her fears by telling her it was the one Arnold Palmer took before he died. For some reason, she’s still worried.

    The real reason Trump so hates people from south of the border. An immigrant working at Supercuts once asked if he wanted to wait for his haircut or pick it up later. 

  6. My World Cup prediction: Russia wins it all. Because when you put FIFA and Putin together, you’ve created a sort of perfect storm of corruption and malfeasance. Will be hard to beat.

  7. Senator Claire McCaskill was saved by Senator Joe Manchin using the Heimlich after she choked on food over the weekend.
    **It was the biggest choking episode by a Democrat since that couple accidently received the Huckabee-Sanders order after she left

  8. A jogger who accidentally crossed the Canadian border into the U.S. was detained for two weeks
    ***Apparently border agents knew she wasn’t American because she was actually out getting some exercise.

  9. According to CBS News. 33 children reportedly got sick at a summer camp in Florida this past week
    ***after multiple kids experienced the fresh air, exercise, sun and forced one-on-one communication with other PEOPLE, their bodies naturally began to shut down…

  10. The National Enquirer admits it sent articles about Donald Trump to Michael Cohen for approval before being published. Apparently they wanted to make sure the reports were correct about his lunch with Elvis and love child with Bigfoot.

  11. A Nigerian man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison on an IRS tax return scheme. Apparently he didn’t declare the money he got collecting cash for imprisoned relatives of his country’s princes.

  12. Koko, the gorilla that mastered sign language has died. Koko was 46. Her last communication was the middle finger as she signed, “Thank you for keeping me in a cage for 46 years”

  13. Koko Signs-Off

    Koko, the gorilla that mastered sign language has died. Koko was 46. Her last communication was the middle finger as she signed, “Thank you for keeping me in a cage for 46 years”

  14. It was recently revealed that a 2003 raid of Neverland Ranch found a collection of child pornography and animal torture videos.
    ***And yet the biggest Jackson family embarrassment still remains Tito. #Itwasme

  15. Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, Sonia Sotomayor, turned 64 last Monday. An appointment to the Supreme Court is for life ***or until President Trump deports you.

  16. Much-anticipated Vol. 2 of the comic book “Alters” is out. “Chalice” is the first ever transgender fictional Superhero; a man in everyday life, but transitions into a kick-ass female as the alter ego ***When she’s fighting crime she has to wear a mask …over her Adam’s apple

  17. ESPN announced Tuesday the list of 16 athletes who will appear in this year’s Body Issue. 16 athletes (8 men/8 women) come from 10 different sports and range in age from 23 to 62. **And once again, the world of women’s shot-putting was completely ignored.

  18. Phil Mickelson apologized for hitting a moving ball at the US Open, saying it, “wasn’t my [his] finest moment.” ***Although it still wasn’t as embarrassing as his three inch vertical leap after winning the Masters.

  19. Pitcher Edwin Jackson will play for a record-tying 13th Major League team. His pitching record is 98-120 with a 4.67 ERA. Which means if he had stayed with the Marlins his whole career he would already be in their Hall of Fame

  20. Trump seems intent on tearing the country apart, lowering the quality of life for we citizens, thereby making America less attractive as an immigration destination. The problem is, the approach to Canada from the north is so very tricky.

  21. Scientists find coldest temperature ever recorded on earth. 144 below zero was recorded at the South Pole. **Before this, the previous cold spot was recorded in the White House Master Bedroom just after the Stormy Daniels story broke

  22. Sarah Sanders will receive temporary Secret Service protection after being kicked out of a Red Hen restaurant ***It marked the first time in history that someone named Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant named for a chicken

  23. John Daly ramped up his criticism of the USGA over being denied using a cart in the Senior U.S. Open. Not only that, he is upset he wasn’t given the twilight rate on his tee time so he doesn’t have to wake up so early.

  24. India ranked world’s most dangerous place for women, reigniting debate about women’s safety **I didn’t even know that Harvey Weinstein packed up and moved there, did you?

  25. Canadian man found guilty of polygamy, gets house arrest in Canada. ***He would have been sent to prison but with 24 wives and 149 children, prosecutors felt putting him in a cell by himself would have been letting him off the hook.

  26. A child found a loaded handgun in a couch at Ikea and fired it, Indiana police say. **Totally crazy, right? …I mean, this marks the first time any item in Ikea was assembled correctly

  27. Meet Shudu, the world’s first digital supermodel. Shudu has caused a fair amount of controversy, hinging around the fact that she’s not actually real. **a distinction held previously by EVERYONE THATs EVER BEEN A SUPERMODEL

  28. Montana woman with machete hides behind ex-boyfriend’s door, then forces sex on him, police say. **Before this incident, the only other way to force sex onto a man was by just asking

  29. Chernobyl’s stray dogs offered a new life in US through a new adoption process. *This is perfect for that American Family that wants to go for a walk at night, ….without a flashlight

  30. Since James Borrego left for the Hornets job, San Antonio Spurs have promoted assistant coach Becky Hammon to the front of the bench ***Which should work out great. Because if there’s one thing NBA players are known for, it’s their legendary respect for women.

  31. Julia Roberts joins Instagram and makes her first ever social media post
    A photo of herself sitting in grass wearing denim shorts and a black top that says “love”

    **1991 Just Called and even THEY Hung UP!!!

  32. On Wednesday a UNITED Flight Was Diverted After A Passenger Died On Board…
    ***Besides all the negative press, United does give the passenger options: 1. Aisle 2. Window 3. Stretcher

  33. Authorities swarmed a JetBlue plane at JFK after there was a false alarm about a hijacking. **Apparently suspicions were raised when the plane tried to take off after waiting on the tarmac less than three hours.

  34. Ten most common items washing up on beaches are now all plastic ***Which means manufacturers need to make plastics heavier so they can sink like the other garbage that stays out of the sight of beachgoers.

  35. “Hello Kitty” bullet train to debut in Japan this week **This is just great news for all those 7 year old girls that are too busy putting their travel plans together

  36. Supreme Court Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy retiring ***Trump said he’s looking for available candidates. Hopefully THIS selection will be wearing a robe w/out the hood!

  37. Puerto Rico is introducing a bill seeking statehood by 2021. Which is being endorsed by Mississippi and Alabama who are saying “We’ll no longer be last in everything!”

  38. An analysis says the Cowboys have the most loyal fans in the NFL, ahead of both the Patriots and Eagles. Although it’s tough to beat Cleveland still pulling in 64,000 fans a week while going 0-16.

  39. A survey says half the nation’s LGBTQ have not come “out” to coworkers. The other half don’t need to as they are either hairstylists, waitpersons or flight attendants.

  40. Did you know that the official name of North Korea is the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea? Tyrannical rule disguised as a democracy. Why does that sound so familiar?

  41. Queen Elizabeth II pulled out of an appearance, claiming she was “under the weather.” Which isn’t good because being worse than the weather in the UK is talking some serious illness

  42. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says just 23% of U.S. adults get enough exercise. Which is good for the CDC as the other 77% are the ones keeping them in business. **So, leaving my mom’s basement every 11 hrs to heat up a frozen corn dog won’t total 10,000 steps?

  43. ‘Unbearable’ smelling passenger that caused a plane flying to Portugal forces emergency landing, then dies from tissue necrosis yesterday. ** The smell was, “horrid” said one passenger, but still not as bad as being in Portugal

  44. Amazon will start selling prescriptions online
    ***Ironically, the majority of medications are for people who are sick from shopping on Amazon all day; while,never getting up from the couch!

  45. New Fox chief cracks down on inflammatory statements **People in the building were really surprised. It’s been ‘forever’ since Fox News actually acted like a REAL News Station! **When Trump heard the news he turned off the TV!

  46. Slain rapper XXXTentacion gets sendoff at memorial in Florida hockey arena **Because nothing says “curb your violence” more than a memorial at a Hockey Arena!

  47. ESPN Reports Ex-Ball State player gets 4 years in Chinese jail after bar fight ***He should have enrolled at UCLA where committing a crime in China ends up with a free plane flight home

  48. Police serving an immigration warrant at a New Jersey home found three children left alone ***Which means they were already practicing being separated from their parents

  49. California Passes Sweeping Law to Protect Online Privacy ***Which means people can relax knowing that no one can spy on them while they are posting everything they do all day on Facebook

  50. Hollywood’s First Plus-Size Superhero? Sony Sets Maria Melnik To Script Pic On Valiant Comics’ ‘Faith’ **Crimes never get solved in time because she’s too busy eating ice cream while crying to her cats

  51. White House claims Harley Davidson’s move to an overseas factory in Thailand is un-American. Don’t know why he’s so upset. After all, his whole political platform is named after a Thai city. Phuket.

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