1. Another school shooting. Another lame attempt by GOP politicians to blame anything but guns. So far, they’ve cited Ritalin, video games, abortions, violence in movies, divorces, kale, This Is Us, Draymond Green and those little color- coded plastic tabs that tie bread bags.

  2. My wife accused me of eating all her precious Cheetos. What could I say? The bitch caught me orange-handed.

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