1. I was interested in this right-to-try idea of the presidents, so I signed up. Boy was I disappointed when Ivanka told me to pound salt.

  2. Police in Spain stopped two cars and a van filled with 4 tons of stolen oranges. Spain treats their OJ a little differently than we do. They squeeze and drink it … We pay it millions, chase it through L.A., then let it get away with murder.

  3. In Tehran, Iran’s Revolutionary Court wants to impose the death penalty against protesters for “waging war against god.” The same punishment Trump wants to impose on anybody who makes fun of his hair.

  4. The House of Representatives passed legislation to change the way Congress handles sexual harassment allegations and settlements. Basically, it’s $350,000 per cheek pinch, $750,000 for a full butt pat, and a pussy grab gets you married to the reality star of your choice.

  5. As another US Government shutdown looms, do we imagine a Congress and Senate made up of monkeys dancing the Boogie Woogie, or is it really much worse? Has Trump cloned himself many times over?

  6. I didn’t quite hear him because I have a hearing impairment. Are you a traitor if you didn’t clap for the president? Or are you a traitor if you got the clap from the president?

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