1. Women want me…to leave them alone. It’s a talent I have. My wife’s talent is that she’s a plant assassin. I mean, she is the Lee Harvey Oswald of nurturing.

  2. Last week the police stopped me for a DLT. I was eating a Duck, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich while driving. So my hands were greasy, big deal, Pig.

  3. To prove life can exist on Mars, researchers at Wageningen University in Holland raised a pair of earthworms in human excrement. This is very important research, because life on Mars cannot exist without lawyers.

  4. Facebook unveiled new artificial intelligence technology to detect suicidal posts. Might need some tweaks though. First suicidal post detected was a photo of some guy’s dinner at Chipotle.

  5. Flynn’s plea deal has The Donald so stressed out, that he cancelled both his tee times this weekend.

    Of course is it just a coincidence that his playing partner, Eldrick, will be busy for the next two days?

  6. On November 30th Mark Twain turned 182-years-old. In Twain’s memory, Ted Cruz gave his bestest apple for the privilege of whitewashing Trump’s wall.

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