1. The National Christmas Tree Association says the best time to buy your tree is the weekend after Thanksgiving. And if you’re a basement dweller who celebrates Thanksgiving with a pumpkin pizza, you can get a pine-scented car freshener at 7-Eleven.

  2. Many women appalled that a dispute over yards between neighbors would result in Rand Paul being assaulted. Not something serious like shopping.

    Bernie Sanders petition wants DNC to implement policies to make “Democratic Party more inclusive.” Uh, Bernie, can you become a Democrat first?

    Interesting how same GOP that will do anything to help people keep their gun rights will do anything to take away other people’s voting rights.

    GOP tax plan eliminates teachers’ ability to deduct cost of school supplies they buy from taxes. Makes sense, education causes Democrats.

    Only problem w/everyone having guns is that when shooting starts, in chaos it’s hard to get good guys from the bad. Seriously.

    Witness to #TexasChurchMassacre “The Bible tells us that we overcome evil with good.” How about good gun laws?

    Kellyanne Conway “Rush” to politicize Texas shooting “disrespectful to dead.” Because in Murica we only politicize killings by brown people?’

    An 18-month old was among those killed in #TexasChurchMassacre. Once again, how can you be so-called “pro-life” & anti-gun control?

    Seriously, after latest Texas shooting, have to wonder, how many other domestic violence convictions have our armed forces not reported to civilian authorities?

    Trump comment on recent mass shootings. “It isn’t a guns situation,” but “mental health problem at the highest level.” The highest level as in the Oval Office?

  3. A large empty space was detected inside the Great Pyramid of Giza using cosmic ray detectors. It’s the same technology Trump uses to choose his cabinet.

  4. Dopey Donald was right about one thing. America is a more religious country. Since he’s been elected, people started praying ”like you wouldn’t believe. Tremendous prayers. Unbelievable prayers. Really huge high- class beautiful prayers coming from top people.”

  5. Microsoft must eliminate 3,000 jobs globally. They didn’t want to lose these loyal associates. It’s just that 3,000 Russian hackers made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

  6. “Why are you still doing open mike nights at comedy clubs when you are 64 freaking year’s old?” my wife asks.
    “It’s just a stage,” I tell her.

  7. Kevin Spacey surprised Hollywood by coming out of the closet last month. The aftershocks were devastating. In San Francisco they reached 6.9 on the Gaydar scale.

  8. US Attorney- General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III says he hasn’t changed his answers, he’s just giving different ones because he remembers more after learning there is actual evidence.

  9. Southern Cal Sports takeaway: What’s the difference between Breeders Cup races and the World Series? I can’t blame Yu Darvish, cause he never rode on any of my picks.

  10. Three UCLA basketball players were arrested in China for allegedly shoplifting sunglasses at a high end Louis Vuitton store. Chinese laws could have them sentenced to prison time of anywhere from 3-10 years.

    In Mao-Tse-Tung’s regime, Chinese laws would have them having their hands chopped off. Talk about a “Triple Double”.

  11. Women say the first thing they look for in a man is self-confidence. Men admit that number one on their female radar is a cut butt. But that’s OK because most women are confident that they have a nice ass.

  12. Have you heard that toymakers Hasboro and Mattel are merging? This could create some interesting mashups. Potato Head Barbie anyone?

  13. The Alabama GOP is considering a write- in campaign to stop Roy Moore from winning the Senate election on Dec 12 but depending on Alabama Republicans that can write might be a losing proposition. #RollDougJonesTide

  14. A study from Denmark reports that heavy drinking and smoking makes people look older than they actually are. In a related story, a study from Colorado reports that eating Doritos and smoking pot makes things look funnier than they actually are.  

    Danica Patrick announced that this was her final season as a full-time race car driver. She’ll spend her retirement years knitting, gardening, and finishing 23rd in Guy Fieri’s Grocery Cart Races.

  15. Kiss frontman Gene Simmons has been banned for life from Fox News. And it’s not for his stance on women or anything political like that. It’s because Rupert Murdoch has tongue envy.

  16. America’s most notorious killer Charles Manson is dead at age 83. He was mean and tough his whole life. So mean and tough in fact, he’ll be buried sitting up with his head as the gravestone.

  17. During his recent trip to Asia President Trump presented each nation with the Thanksgiving gift of a White House turkey. Of all the nations to receive the turkeys, Japan was the happiest. They figure with some judicious fattening up, Sean Spicer will make a really dandy Sumo Wrestler.

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