1. Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got 21 months in jail for sexting with an underage girl. But the time will fly by, what with his television and laptop for entertainment. Of course there’s a chance his laptop will be a six foot two truck driver from Yonkers.

  2. A galaxy located 620 million light years away, named J0811+4730, is the most oxygen-deprived galaxy yet discovered by astronomers. There is so little oxygen, the only things that will survive there are Jacques Cousteau, and that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

  3. Playboy founder and legendary ladies’ man Hugh Hefner has died of natural causes at the age of 91. Hef won’t be buried at Forest Lawn, Hollywood Memorial, or even the Playboy Mansion, but where he’s remembered best. Under a teenage boy’s mattress.

  4. Trump says that when San Juan, Puerto Rico’s mayor called him incompetent she was insulting First Responders. Apparently, the president is a dirty prism. Call him a fool and doves cry.

  5. Everybody who isn’t in Puerto Rico thinks our government is doing a terrific job providing relief. The only people having problems are those who are there. They should get out.

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