1. Hillary Clinton says she is fed up with politics and is quitting public life. The last straw came when they asked her to be a plus-size model on Project Runway.

  2. Rush Limbaugh claims Hurricane Irma was a left-wing conspiracy, but he evacuated Florida anyway. Seems like the far-right policy, a chicken in every garage, is true.

  3. New York Fashion Week is taking place despite the threat of three major hurricanes. Because the only thing New Yorkers truly fear is subway rats getting the vote.

  4. I have a friend named Nathan who has a reading comprehension problem. He got all excited when he saw that the Red Cross was urging people to Do Nate.

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