1. My wife says “Absolutely not!” to my plans to acquire a Lamborghini Aventador supercar. I say that’s a load of bull.

  2. ‘Driverless’ van spotted in Virginia is driven by man dressed like a car seat. That’s nothing–I attended an Orioles game where thousands of fans were dressed like empty stadium seats.

  3. Back in olden times, prior to The Pill and rampant promiscuous sex, many couples were virgins on their wedding night. Thus, these newlyweds were newcomers.

  4. “Fire and Fury” is what DJ unleashed on his playing partners today when he missed a 1 foot putt on the 18th and they wouldn’t let him have it as a “Gimme”!

    WtT: my joke credited to u is ok w me… we’re buddies, so keep the residual money and buy urself a new car. lol

  5. North Korea says they might launch a nuclear missile at Guam. Obviously these guys don’t get the subtleties of life. That would be like Bruce Jenner announcing his sex change, then looking for a date on Farmers Only Dot Com.

  6. Walt Disney World unveiled a statue to commemorate the two-year-old boy who was killed by an alligator last year. I saw the statue and it is tragic. But I couldn’t help notice, and this is really sick, isn’t that Walt’s head?

  7. Trump still claims his 17 day vacation at his golf course is a working one – promising he’ll be involved in lots of “meetings” Hey Donny, u spelled “tweetings” wrong!

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