1. I’ve been married 7 times. The problem I have with a lot of chicks is that they want to be 100% cage-free.

  2. Archaeologists recently found a 3,000-year-old piece of dyed cloth in the Arava desert. Researchers say it proves society’s elite dressed in a fancy style and had huge wealth … Oh big deal! A caveman could have figured that out. Mainly because it was printed right on it. Make Arava Great Again.

  3. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been married forever. Just for kicks yesterday I pulled out our marriage certificate and noticed the papyrus scroll is starting to disintegrate.

  4. First Megyn Kelly had blood coming out of her whatever and now low IQ Crazy Mika was bleeding from a bad face- lift. What is it with this guy? Was he traumatized by the concept of menstruation when he was small? Yeah, small. Like yesterday.

  5. Some young women have dramatic eyebrows that look like the Nike swoosh. What are they trying to say? Just Do it?

  6. Donald Trump addressed the ‘Celebrate Freedom Rally’ in DC. Rejoice!–we are so fortunate to live in a country where you are free to post hateful, vindictive tweets.

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