Scratch that. — 22 Comments

  1. Turtle doves mentioned in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” are in danger of extinction. Likewise that partridge–Shirley Jones ain’t getting any younger.

  2. Seven innocent little penguins were mysteriously drowned at the Calgary Zoo in Alberta, Canada. Since their pen is right next to a cage full of pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys zoo officials suspect fowl play.

  3. China has successfully put their first astronaut into space. Actually, space travel was duck soup for them. They just waited for the International Space Station to send out for Chinese.

  4. According to the CDC in Atlanta less than half of Americans got their flu shots this year, and now it’s too late. That abominable orange-headed bug has already completely invaded Washington.

  5. Trump appointed former World Wrestling chief Linda McMahon to Director of Small Business Administration. So the next time you’re at the drive-up window and want to complain you were shorted fries, be careful You just may get a Killer Kowalski Stomach Claw instead.

  6. Dr. Henry Heimlich, the inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, has died at age 96. When I heard the news, I got all choked up.

  7. My mother-in-law puts the “X” in Xmas by giving my wife and I “sexy” gifts. If you’re listening, Tina, I do NOT need a leopard shorty robe, either for Sharon, or myself.

  8. Ezekiel Elliott donated himself to the Salvation Army after a touchdown last night. Meanwhile the Texans donated Brock Osweiler to the Red Cross for disaster relief.

  9. A strike by workers at the Eiffel Tower has closed the 1,063-foot structure for a fifth day. If the strike lasts much longer tower officials predict holiday suiciders will have to throw themselves off a Parisian waiter’s contempt.

  10. The C.D.C. says pregnant women should avoid going to Brownsville, Texas. Five cases of the Zika virus have been reported there and doctors warn your baby could be deformed … Or worse yet, run for president.

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