That door is locked for a reason. — 16 Comments

  1. Things have changed on the sexual landscape. I heard two 20-something girls chatting: “Who are you doing New Year’s Eve?”

  2. The CIA says that it was responsible for at least half of UFO sightings in the 1960s. Responsibility for the other half belong to LSD.

  3. Dick Van Dyke encourages seniors to “keep moving” in an upcoming book. Gee, Dick, aren’t there already enough old folks in Florida?

  4. Customer pulls a gun on Tennessee McDonald’s employee at the drive-thru window. Could be two reasons for the gun. She forgot his fries. Or she was his cousin and he was proposing.

  5. On Dec. 31, 1949, Portland Beavers of the Pacific Coast League hired their first black players. They didn’t have any women players though. Still don’t. So why do they call themselves “The Beavers?”

  6. A wall collapsed at a Morton Salt storage barn, spilling out tons of salt. Hundreds of Morton employees rushed to scene to throw salt over their left shoulders.

  7. Former U.S. Sen. Mike Gravel was named the head of a company that develops recreational and medicinal marijuana products. So Gravel will help people get stoned.

  8. Kim Kardashian says she doesn’t smile much because smiling causes wrinkles. We’re more likely to see the crack of her ass than the crack of a smile.

  9. New Year’s morning. Hangovers, recriminations, resolutions, the Rose Parade. Or as Hugh Hefner calls it: First two hours after a Viagra high.

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