Gooooooooooooooooooooal! — 13 Comments

  1. A Dayton, Ohio, boy exploring an abandoned house discovered a corpse hanging in the closet. Doctors say the man had been there five years … He’d hung there so long, Guy Fieri declared, ‘The dude is aged to perfection.’

  2. Willie Nelson, 81, released his new album “Band Of Brothers.” On it Willie plays guitar, drums, keyboard and Life Alert.

  3. A man is facing felony charges after allegedly throwing a football stuffed with heroin, marijuana, tobacco and three cell phones into a prison. The good news is he was signed by the Jets.

  4. Auditions are being held for ‘Rob Ford the Musical.’ For the lead, producers are looking for a crack singer-actor.

  5. I saw a guy sort of aimlessly wandering down the street today singing “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” I was glad to oblige.

  6. A man has been arrested for stealing bras and undergarments from washlines. Based on recent photos, apparently one of his victims was Miley Cyrus.

  7. A former porn star is running for school board in Florida. He proposes adding a practicum to the sex education curriculum.

  8. The saying “Careful as a virgin on Prom Night” seems to have little meaning in 2014. Like 8-Tracks, there just aren’t many around anymore.

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