GARY BACHMAN says:

New male birth control pill found safe and effective. Hundreds of men were tested and none became pregnant.

BILL WILLIAMS says:

A recent study at the University of Missouri says that the veggies we eat are actually able to hear themselves being eaten—especially lettuce. So this begs the question, what did the head of lettuce say to the ear of corn? We’re safe for another night, he’s eating Doritos.