1. My wife is attending a Girl’s Night Out. Far be it from me to point old that at 68 she is a PRETTY OLD GIRL!

  2. Sometimes things work out. My Uncle Leo wears a trench coat and like to flash ladies. My Aunt Virginia is going through “The Change” and has hot flashes. Those two can really light up a room.

  3. I’m not saying Trump is losing it, but at this point, I’m pretty sure he could not only hide his own Easter eggs but might be able to lay them as well.

  4. A New York Middle school teacher says she was fired over a topless selfie sent to a boyfriend years ago. It’s obvious the picture is from long ago. Her boobs are still perky.

  5. “I’ll be in the Feminine Products aisle,” my wife said over her shoulder in Walmart. I found her half an hour later in the chocolate section. Should have known!

  6. Young women have so many choices today. When I was growing up there were “sluts,” now a lady can simply choose to provide her love life as “open-source.”

  7. President Donald Trump talking about wind turbines: “They say the noise causes cancer.” Who says that? Who is they? Are these people that other folks can hear too? Or more voices that only speak to you?

  8. My wife HATES to be bothered when she’s reading. In fact, she has instituted a strict “you talk, you die” policy. Harsh? Yes, but very effective.

  9. National Library Week is April 7th-13th. President Trump plans to increase his personal library by 100%…and have two books.

  10. Being married is sometimes rather demanding. Sharon looks at me and says: “Darling, it’s time for Spring Cleaning, AND I AM ASSIGNING VOLUNTEERS!”

  11. So let me get this straight. Donald Trump is an admitted serial sexual abuser, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a con- man, a bully, an idiot and an oaf and Joe Biden is out of touch and doesn’t respect personal space. You’re right, get him out of here.

  12. Trump made fun of Joe Biden because five or six women complained that he touched them without their consent: “Beginner.”

  13. At my age I have got to stop chasing young women. I’d like to think that I’ve had my last “Miss” adventure.

  14. When I met my wife, I felt lucky as a gambler throwing 4 and 3 on a dice roll. Now, the bitch drives me 7 kinds of crazy!

  15. Call me old-fashioned, but I still can’t get used to nose rings on womens…it’s like their earring ended up in the wrong place.

  16. A musical tribute to Johnny Rivers and Junior Brown: “Da da da da da da da da da, Secret Aging Man! They’re giving you a number, and taking way your name…Secret Aging Man!”

  17. Dear Democrats. Please shut up. From now on, no bashing of any other democrat. You can say nice things about your guy or gal or decline to state, but that’s it. If you can’t help from saying nasty things, concentrate on the Oval Office Oompa Loompa. Thank you.

  18. Old girl, get out of my life.
    I can’t believe you are really my wife.
    Better scoot, girl. Your case is moot, girl.

    Hot hag in the city. Looking old and not
    too pretty. Old hag, not much of a talker.
    Got some fancy moves with her walker.

  19. With all the shake-ups in the government, man, would I like to have the name tag concession for Trump’s cabinet meetings.

  20. California officials are confident that there will be fewer wildfires this year. Must be nothing left to burn.

  21. Attorney General William Barr abridging Gone With the Wind: “Girl survives Civil War by wearing a dress made out of curtains.”

  22. I accidently wandered into a lesbian restaurant, and found an old favorite on the menu with a brand new name: Chicken a la Queen.

  23. President Donald Trump says he wants a harder line Immigration Department. What does that even mean? What’s worse than kids in cages? Is he going to put the bars closer together? Use a finer mesh? Blast audio of him giving speeches where he uses all the best words?

  24. Astronomers have taken the first picture of a black hole. That’s the first picture of a black hole in outer space. There have been many pictures taken of Trump’s cabinet.

  25. Trump wonders why George Washington didn’t name his home — Mount Vernon — after himself. Trump just can’t believe that someone couldn’t be such an egomaniac that he wouldn’t put his name on every building he owns.

  26. I definitely felt some spring in my step today. But basically April showers bring a bunch of weeds, mud and May flies.

  27. Muchos thank you’s to all the women here tonight. I need all the estrogen I can get in my final count-down to dust.

  28. Donald Trump could say that Jesus Christ was a fake savior who unfairly persecuted the rich and his base would claim the president was speaking in tongues.

  29. Sheriffs deputies responded with guns drawn to a report of a burglar locked in a resident’s bathroom only to find a robotic vacuum cleaner. The fuzz had a good laugh when they found that Alexa had pulled the shampoo prank on Roomba. You know, Clean. Rinse. Repeat.

  30. My wife is a monster in bed, and has been ever since she was a bride. I can put up with the screaming, but the hissing has gotten on my nerves.

  31. Gosh it was great to see Tiger win another Major. Now, if I could only win even a minor victory with my wife, I’d feel like less of a loser!

  32. If the Trump Administration ships undocumented immigrants to San Francisco, we’ll welcome them because we need more Uber drivers to take us to a wider variety of burrito shops.

  33. When I get home from work I can always look forward to a little R and R with the wife. Unfortunately, that stands for Ranting and Raving…

  34. The repair of Notre Dame is estimated to cost over $112 million. Trump offered to lend the money so long as they renamed it, Notre Damn-I’m-The-Greatest!

  35. I met a girl online named Wanda Thomas Fox and decided to meet for coffee. She didn’t look anything like her site photo, so I’m thinking WTF?

  36. Billionaires have donated more than $700 million to rebuild Notre-Dame Cathedral. Oops, make that $700 million and a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago.

  37. Couldn’t really hear Official Administration Lapdog William Barr’s yapping misdirection before the release of the Mueller Report due to the clicking of his toenails on the linoleum. And the drool was distracting.

  38. Happy Easter everybody. The best holiday ever. When Christ comes out of the cave sees his shadow and baseball season starts. Don’t eat too many peeps.

  39. The Ukraine just elected a comedian, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, president. That’s nothing. We’re being governed by a clown.

  40. Filling out an online form, I was asked to provide my gender. One of the boxes read: “Gender fluid.” I find this confusing…it’s like, hmmmm, what shall I be today…

  41. When I met my wife she was a stone cold fox. Now she’s just stone cold. You can file my love-life under F’ed.

  42. not saying i’m getting old, but these days i pee so much i don’t even bother zipping up my fly anymore. just wear a long shirt over it.

  43. Let me take a stab at this: One time, exactly once I make a joke about my elderly neighbor traipsing around in her yard wearing a ratty nightgown…and forever afterward my wife calls me a stone-cold psychopath. Women are certifiable.

  44. Walking the streets of Ann Arbor last night, I met an old hooker. Believe me, she was definitely past her “sell by” date.

  45. WARNING: If you marry a trophy wife get ready for some painful open wallet surgery. She shamelessly spends money like Perrier.

  46. There was a belly dancer today entertaining at the Senior Center. It was nice to see some shaking that wasn’t tremor-induced.

  47. Attorney- General William Barr is such an obvious lapdog, he should be recognized by the American Kennel Club as its 194th official breed.

  48. Starbucks has rolled out its new summer drinks menu, including S’more, Mocha Cookie Crumble and Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccinos. For those of you in San Francisco be sure to try the new Golden Gate Frappuccino. It doesn’t taste any different than other other Frappuccinos; just costs 10 times more.

  49. A bunch of Southern California entrepreneurs have built a robot that writes movie scripts. And it’s already got an agent. Bernie Asimov collects 20 percent, and supplies all the WD-40 needed.

  50. A ship that acts as a religious retreat for the Church of Scientology was quarantined in the Caribbean after someone was diagnosed with measles. Fortunately Tom Cruise was on board and was able to extract the germs, make a 178 foot dive off the bridge into shark-infested waters, bury them 20,000 leagues beneath the sea while John Travolta flew his 747 down to rescue everyone.

  51. Have you noticed that more and more these days Republicans have the same facial expression as a man whose penis was caught in a paper shredder.

  52. An early TV soap opera was called “The Young and Restless.” Fast forward to today with kids glued to their smart phones, and it’s “The Dumb and Zestless.” Yo, text me GF.

  53. After all the controversy about a horserace in Kentucky, it seems everybody wants to talk Derby to me.

  54. Paris Hilton is getting a little long in the tooth. So long in the tooth in fact, Triumph the Insult Dog wrote a poem to her. Your hair is like silk; corn silk. Your eyes are like pools; cess pools. Your teeth are like stars; they come out at night.

  55. I’m not saying the girl next door is a slut, but Virgin Mobile has rejected her application on moral grounds.

  56. My niece has always been a computer genius-type able to repair her own Dells, Apples, IBMs and such. But now that she’s had a baby her life has been turned upside down, and Chelsea is a mother, bored.

  57. To protest anti-abortion laws, Alyssa Milano has called for a “sex strike.” Her husband, Dave Bugliari, is looking for strike breakers.

  58. A Mom or Dad is the same spelled backwards or forwards. But a kid with the letters reversed is a dik. Just saying…

  59. How do you define irony? I stopped in at an S&M place and the sound system was playing an Elvis tune called “Don’t Be Cruel.”

  60. I innocently told my wife that 2019 was going to be “her year.” Luckily she doesn’t know that it’s the Chinese designated “Year of the Pig.”

  61. When we want to show folks our location in Michigan, we hold up our right hand and point it out with our left. Other states don’t offer this convenient mitten-shape, so we feel rather special and “pleased as punch.”

  62. It’s frightening. I’m getting so decrepit in the bedroom that I can’t even get my thumbs up…let me know if you’re reading these brilliant posts, fans.

  63. Have you noticed that folks are likely to accost an overweight person with cries of “Fatso!” but no one ever yells out: “Thinso!”

  64. I have a sneaking suspicion that my new Chinese girlfriend is a gold digger at heart. I’ve only been dating Ka-Ching a short time, but…

  65. I’m concerned about my girlfriend being less than committed to our relationship. On the plus side, she did give me a customer loyalty card punch-able for future discounts…

  66. I realize that no one can actually tell the future, but I do wish sometimes that my wife came with an expiration date…

  67. I like to write about spooky cemeteries, but my agent says readers feel like I’ve done the same old cemetery plot to death.

  68. I don’t earn enough dough to support my wife and girlfriend. Not having sufficient bread means that by the end of the month I am toast.

  69. If you sue a man for sexual harassment and get a financial settlement, doesn’t that make you a hooker-after-the-fact?

  70. Taking the stage: “I can’t see you…but you smell wonderful. Especially this woman here; I love a good blue cheese.

  71. Ford is developing robots capable of delivering the mail. I guess it’s just in case this car business thing goes South. I mean, someone’s got to drive those Chinese SUVs, right?

  72. The president is in Japan and his favorite thing is the Sumo wrestlers. Mainly ’cause they have a crotch move just like the one he used at Wharton.

  73. A new study says one out of five men cheat, and 13% of women. One question: who are these 20% of men cheating with?

  74. Congress won’t fund Trump’s border wall. Courts won’t let Trump use other money for his border wall. Will Trump ever read the handwriting on the wall?

  75. I don’t expect much from my wife in the kitchen, but today she made me a not very super Hero Sandwich. “Can’t you follow a simple recipe? I really wonder, woman.”

  76. The flesh on the inside of your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina. You’re licking the inside of your mouth now, aren’t you?

  77. You always see flyers saying “Lost Dog” or “Help Us Find Our Pet Cat,” but today I saw one that read: “Missing Kayak,” and I thought, well it’s probably dead by the side of the road…in the freaking South Pole!

  78. My neighbor has a tree that’s dropping an absolute arsenal of whirly-gig seeds, which are flying like helicopters into our yard. Imagine an unlucky ant riding one of these spinning missiles. That would sure be no picnic! Duh!

  79. Following a Ferrari, I noted a bumper sticker that said: “Dog Mom.” Man, that is some doggy style I can get behind.

  80. My wife asked if I’d like her to get her boobs done for our 36th Wedding Anniversary. I told her: “Faux sure!”

  81. My darling wife generally talks my ear off, but now she has laryngitis and is QUIET. Man, it is about Mime!

  82. President Cheesy Poof’s mantra finally makes sense after one simple misspelling is corrected. Make America Grate Again.

  83. At first my wife led me down the garden path, which was fine. But now this crazy bitch is definitely driving 200-mph on the psychopath.

  84. Roy Rogers had his famous horse, Trigger stuffed. He did the same with his dog, Bullet. When wife Dale Evens died, you have wonder whether Roy might have been tempted to preserve more than the faithful cowgirl’s memory. Happy Trails, indeed.

  85. The Democrats’ presidential field is huge this year. It’s because of the party’s new program: No Candidate Left Behind.

  86. Some of Trump’s favorites —

    Musical instrument: the lyre
    Pastime: liars’ poker
    Disney movie: The Lion King

  87. I was dating a girl with hearing issues who had done some serious jail time. She had a flair for the dramatic and would often go all the way to DEFCON.

  88. The President’s approval rating is out and it’s 42.4 percent. But that’s not too accurate. Most people asked think ”approval” means, Yes, I’ll have fries with that.

  89. The problem with being married to a masochist who believes in the Golden Rule is that she treats you just as she wants to be treated. Ouch.

  90. Thursday was Take Your Dog to Work Day. And that’s why Hope Hicks didn’t talk to Congress. Her doggie ate her testimony.

  91. My wife is still very naïve in the bedroom. When I asked her to bring a sex toy to bed she showed up with an Armadillo.

  92. My wife was sweet as candy back in the 80s. All natural with a PH level of .60…Now her PH equates to Passionate Hate.

  93. Somewhere along the bumpy road of marriage, my mate decided that her fists could speak better than her lips. Believe me, it’s tough being married to a punching hag.

  94. My wife has been experimenting with skipping wearing a bra. Sorry to say that so far the results have been a big FLOP.

  95. So Patrick Shanahan has resigned as Acting Defense Secretary. That means his replacement will be the Interim Acting Defense Secretary.

  96. I think it’s strange that companies promote DNA tests as gifts for Mothers Day and Fathers Day. Aren’t the kids trying to prove that you’re not their parent?

  97. My wife paid 25K to get her boobs done, and now complains that we are strapped for cash. It’s hard to keep abreast of this woman’s monetary machinations.

  98. The U.S. didn’t attack Iran after all. Trump said the weapons were “cocked and loaded” but he just couldn’t go through with it. Melania says he’s had that problem before.

  99. It’s official: my trophy wife has left me because I refuse to read her “The Pokey Little Puppy” for the 900th time to help her fall asleep. Her lawyer says I will be in the doghouse for the foreseeable future.

  100. The difference between dating and marriage is easy to explain. Imagine your dream girl. Then picture her snoring, drooling, and waking you up to say she thinks she might be a lesbian.

  101. You see the LGBT acronym a lot these days. Could this be an alternative interpretation?: Likes Girls, Boys, Trolls.

  102. I dated a ninja briefly but couldn’t get used to a woman who was so stealthy and quiet…she could eat Doritos and not make a sound. Creepy if you ask me.

  103. So I met this woman, Annette, and she is incredible except that she’s very controlling. OK, the babe treats me like a puppet. Bottom line, I will not marionette.

  104. My wife is overly conservative. She has a killer figure, but only wears a prim one-piece swim suit to the beach. I wish Sharon wasn’t so afraid of doing the thong thing.

  105. Being a gigolo is a male thing. There is a female version called a gigalux, but you don’t hear much about them. Trust me, either one is a very tough gig, and pretty low rather than lux.

  106. Sad to say that I may have to turn in my “Man Card,” folks. The other day I spotted a blonde siren in a heart-attack red bikini, and I thought to myself: “That poor girl must be cold.”

  107. Living near a lake is tough this time of year, with the endless nightly pyrotechnics and explosions leading up to July 4th. On the plus side, it’s one way to get some long-absent fireworks in our bedroom.

  108. President Trump met with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un in the DMZ. They shook hands, and then executed a barber of their choice.

  109. I’d like to get a drawing of my wife done. I’m thinking a chalk outline would be nice. Preferably on the ground.

  110. TV producers are considering a crazy mashup of Star Wars and The Beverly Hillbillys. The theme song might go like this: “Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jedi…”

  111. I think my wife is trying to kill me. First, for my birthday she bought a gift of hotdogs with unnatural casings. Then she purchased a mushroom nightlight for me…with a deadly nightshade.

  112. Sylvester Stallone, Action Movie Hero for decades, is starring in RAMBO 5 this fall. When I mentioned this film to my wife, she immediately responded: “What is it called, GRAMPO?”

  113. Computer dating is very dicey. The woman I met tonight had signed her post as “Road Runner.” A more accurate description would have been “Toad Runner.”

  114. I live in a hell-hole named Guilt, Texas. No one ever visits me. I guess no one in their right mind wants to take a guilt trip.

  115. Jerry Seinfeld is doing standup again and just finished a show in Vegas. I don’t want to say Jerry’s getting a little old, but he did his last set with his Puffy Shirt tucked into his underpants.

  116. I was a child prodigy raised by wolves. Give me a scent and I can follow it while humming Beethoven. Sadly, there isn’t much call for my brand of furry genius.

  117. Returning home early from a business trip, I knew my trophy wife had shared our marital bed with another man. Shining a black light on the mattress revealed her “Cheat Sheet.”

  118. I hate it when my wife gives me “pro tips” in bed. I’d rather forget that she used to be a Las Vegas hooker!

  119. I’ve made some missteps on my way to comic glory. When you get turned down to perform at an Open Mike, you feel like a worm in the Early Birds’ beak.

  120. My testosterone level shoots up about 300 nanograms whenever bikini season begins. Too bad I’m married to a Grandma named Nan.

  121. My wife says I frequently invade her “personal space.” It seems her comfort zone is located in the next room.

  122. From the Acmehumor Dictionary For Our Troubled Times.
    Bullionaire: A bullshit artist with a lot of money.

  123. The last time I could reasonably describe my wife as “Hot” was several decades ago when she was experiencing hot flashes.

  124. My niece says she isn’t a hooker. She insists that she’s just “monetizing herself.” Oh, thank god, I was concerned.

  125. Internet dating has it’s problems. The female at Starbucks was stunning, with a blonde beehive hair-do…first words out of her mouth? “Let’s talk money, honey.”

  126. I have a few dollars to my name so keeping gold-diggers off-scent is sometimes difficult. These chicks smell my Franklins and say “Where have you BEN all my life?”

  127. Women fascinate me. Mood swings are to be tolerated, but a single wrong word can send me, not just to the Dog House, but to the basement of the Dog House. Oooowwwww!

  128. Stepping out to entertain the senior crowd this weekend…Quick, call the Cringe Police! If no one dies during my set I’ll rate it as a big old success.

  129. I picture my wife as a Greek Goddess playing one of those little harp instruments. That would be perfect for her…the Lyre!

  130. Sometimes between my wife and kids craziness I feel like I’m living in a horror movie. The title could be: “House of Wacks!”

  131. News has unfolded about a new direction for the Bond films. A young black female actress is said to take up the 007 role. I wouldn’t Spectre to take the name Jimmie Bond.

  132. Berkeley voted to ban gender-specific words in its city code and replace them with gender-neutral options. Words like “manhole” and “manpower” will become “maintenance hole” and “human effort.” But don’t worry, the NBA can still use the word “manhole” when referring to a Kardashian.

  133. My wife weighs twice what she did when we first met. It’s like she has gained an evil twin. I’m never sure whether I hear thunder, or just Sharon lumbering down the stairway.

  134. White House claims the USS Boxer downed an Iranian drone that came within 1,000 yards of the Navy ship. Wrong! It was a Lifetime Channel drone carrying the cast members of ”Little Women: Atlanta,” and they missed it by a country mile.

  135. At first I found my wife very mysterious and intriguing. Now I realize she is legitimately from the dork side.

  136. My new bride works for a pharmaceutical company. On our wedding night she looked at my private parts and asked: “That thing has that thing ever been tested on animals, right?”

  137. Sadly, my wife is addicted to buying shoes. When she reached 200+ pair we decided to take action. Sharon enters a Boot Camp tomorrow.

  138. Just wondering, at a nudist camp do the chefs go au natural? They always say that you can’t judge a cook by her cover…

  139. Ever since we returned home from our Rain Forest vacation, my wife and I have been in what can only be called a tropical depression.

  140. My wife says she wants to take our lovemaking to the “next level.” What she means is, I get to sleep in the basement while she remains on the main floor.

  141. Every Year, Half A Million Italians Are Reportedly Possessed By Demons…My wife told me to go to Hell last night. “Don’t worry, darling,” I told her, “I’m already there.”

  142. My first Alien Contact happened last night…a Mexican beauty with no green card but almond eyes that were out of this world.

  143. Call me a maximalist, but there is something to be said for an hourglass figure and plenty of time to explore big curves.

  144. Climate change is predicted to turn the Great White North into a parched desert…god, imagine drinking it all in: Canada Dry!

  145. Tired of the neighbors leaving flaming packages on your doorstep? A chalk outline on your porch of a neighbor-sized body works wonders to close out these bothersome folks.

  146. I woke up Monday morning, checked and saw I had zero bars. This is actually a good thing, since it means I’m not in jail.

  147. The people living on either side of me have let it be known that they’re willing to buy stolen property. So, as Robert Frost said in a famous poem, good fences make good neighbors.

  148. During a recent trip to Las Vegas I visited a place called the Chicken Ranch. Lovely escorts were paraded for my choosing, and I found myself thinking: Eeany, Meany, Miney, Hoe.

  149. My wife was like a sleek Ferrari, all curves and hills and valleys. Lord, how I enjoyed grinding her gears. Now? Well, let’s just say she’s missing a few teeth…

  150. Pout it out on National Lipstick Day…My wife bought a shade called “nude” and asked me what to wear with it. Naturally I replied “nothing.”

  151. Sometimes I feel like a roll of toilet tissue: I’m just hanging around waiting for the next person to rip me off!

  152. I paid for a Mail Order bride from Czechia, a country in Central Europe. This was weeks ago, and so far, nothing. When I contacted the broker they said not to worry, the Czech was in the mail.
    Speaking of that, Mr. Administrator, are you interested in PMing me RE: payment for all these sterling jokes that keep your site going?

  153. It’s weird being part of a couple. I was invited to a BYOB party, and I brought Sharon because I assumed it meant Bring Your Own Bitch.

  154. My wife insists I return the expensive leather Man Cave couch I bought or she will divorce me. Mmmmm, before deciding, I’m going to have to sleep on it.

  155. I have a friend who is a cop. She invited me to a dance where 95% of the people would be police. I told her no, “I don’t want to go to a Fuzz Ball!”

  156. Lately I’ve become concerned that my man cave is not masculine enough. It’s a converted broom closet, so I guess I’m having size issues.

  157. Today was National Chocolate Cookie Day. Kind of a half-baked holiday unless you’ve got a drink to go with it, say warm breast milk?

  158. I told my wife she ought to be an actress. She took that well until I explained my reasoning: You love to act-out, create drama, and wear a variety of attention-getting costumes, so why not go pro?

  159. I asked my wife why she plans weekly girl’s night out jaunts with her female pals. “There just not enough meat in your Manwich, dear,” she replied.

  160. Danger, Will Robinson.
    Wife: Do you think this dress makes me look fat?
    Will: Absolutely. It is 100% the dresses fault.

  161. Marriage is an institution, and I’ve been institutionalized for going on 36 years. Put another way, marriage is the place where dreams go to die… Kidding! Mostly.

  162. I’m trying to be positive here, so I won’t harp about my wife doubling in weight over the past 30 years. I ought to be pleased that she is value-sized. I won’t say our lovemaking should be rated “T” for terrifying. Let me just weigh in with this: 3X does not mean extra erotic.

  163. I wondered how to keep my dearly departed friend close to me following her cremation. And since I’ve never been a smoker and I always seem to be in my car…I put her in my ash tray. Judge me if you want, but I think it’s what Ashley would have wanted.

  164. I basically camp-out every night. That’s because right next to me is my old sleeping hag. Could I ask for ‘smore?

  165. A flying car made by a Japanese electronics company they intend to sell by 2030 had its first flight last week. A little disappointing as it only got 10 feet high and landed with a bump. *Kinda’ like a Denver millennial who couldn’t get a date on Friday night.

    A lightning strike on a Florida home’s septic tank caused the toilet to explode inside the house. This proves Zeus, the god of lightening is definitely a woman, and she gets really pissed when the toilet seat is left up.

  166. The second amendment gives us the right to bare arms. Unless you’ve got those ugly bat wings hanging down, then better wear long sleeves.

  167. My wife uses advanced interrogation techniques on me to get her way.
    JILL: You aren’t mad that I just spent $1800 online for shoes. Because if you get angry then we won’t be having any bed fun.
    WILL: Mmmmm, me like fun.

  168. A gecko tried to stow away on a flight from Mexico to England. *Would have made it too if his Emotional Support Human, Flo hadn’t kept asking for 15% off her cocktail.

  169. An Idaho man completed 220 catches in one minute while juggling three NBA-regulation basketballs to break a Guinness World Record. *Next he’ll try for the record of juggling three NBA-regulation Kardashians.

  170. In Pennsylvania a snake had to be rescued when it swallowed several inches of its own tail. This is really bad news. *The American Bar Association may have to give up its apprentice lawyer program.

  171. My wife has taken up Kung Fu as a way to lose weight and beat up on me. This is the last straw in our combative marriage, and I’ve told her I Won’t Be Fu’ed Again.

  172. Feeling a mite desperate, I’ve taken to wearing a magnetic bracelet to make myself more attractive to women wearing underwire bras.

  173. My Ex wants plenty of support and she’s pretty transparent about it. Come to think of it, she’s kind of like a clear bra.

  174. Being married teaches you humility. Like this: at a trendy eatery you see a rich guy with his gorgeous trophy wife, and you tell the waitress “I’ll have what he’s having,” and you mean the blonde, but you end up eating humble pie.

  175. 2020 Corvette C8 Official Mid Engine Pricing has just been released. GM is letting buyers combine any available interior colors (red and orange anyone?), but should you wish to order a combination “not approved” by General Motors there is a $600 upcharge for the faux pas. This could be termed the “Clown Tax.”

  176. Yep, my wife is twice the woman she used to be. And two-times as bitchy. So, anatomically speaking, she has Hate Handles.

  177. “SFM”can be an acronym for Sent From Mobile, or, in my wives’ case: Spokesmodel For Misery. Either way, the message is not very encouraging.

  178. My spouse has always insisted on non-sequential days of lovemaking. We can never seem to get all our f**ks in a row.

  179. I don’t understand when a dude says his girlfriend/wife sucks, and that’s meant to be a negative thing. I mean, my spouse told me on our honeymoon that oral was over, and that DID suck.

  180. My wife has the fashion sense of an amoeba. Wearing a tube top to a funeral is never a boss move, even if it is black.

  181. My wife says I remind her of the Energizer Bunny in bed, which I took as a complement. “Not really a positive,” she replied. “I can hear your damn Pacemaker clicking.”

  182. My son said he’d joined a crack team of pre-med students…and, you guessed it, their primary focus is investigating the use of crack, personally.

  183. When it comes to buying my wife nightgowns, I like them modeled by sweet young things, and I demand absolute transparency in pricing and fabric.

  184. Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife. It was a typical case of Hollywood desertion. His mind deserted her body.

  185. When I lived in Germany there was temptation to join questionable groups of other teens bent on havoc. Luckily I resisted, and never became part of the Wolfgang.

  186. I married a girl from Georgia, and things went very South very quickly. This spoiled peach drained my accounts faster than a billionaire scoots through the velvet ropes at the Hot Rooster Club on Saturday night.

  187. So, President Trump wants to buy Greenland. I wouldn’t recommend it, personally. My wife is as big as some continents, and frigid as a frozen Hell.

  188. Latte Art is cool, but how will you be remembered? People drink your artwork until nothing is left. It’s enough to make me froth at the mouth.

  189. If someone is flying both ways in the birds and bees department, do they just kind of “wing it” when it comes to marriage?

  190. JILL:”I found a blonde wig in your sock drawer.”
    WILL:”I wanted to surprise you.”
    JILL:”By letting me discover I’m married to a transvestite?”

  191. Our marriage is firmly within the so-bad-it’s-nearly-alright genre. Somehow we’ve survived 36 years, but, then, so have some blind parrots.

  192. JILL: “Describe your wife in two words.”
    WILL: “She Hulk.”
    JILL: “You seem to spend a lot of time dating random women.”
    WILL: “True. For example: 1948, 1951, 1936.”
    JILL: “You said you rarely pick up girls any more.”
    WILL: “Also true. I really can’t lift them these days.”

  193. I asked my doctor how I could develop some muscle at 66 years old. He thought this over and replied: “Well, I guess you could hire a hitman…”

  194. Taylor Swift used to be on my to “do” list, until she was outed as a cheating bitch…I probably wouldn’t have ever “done” her, but now I don’t even want to.

  195. I tried to amp-up my performance in bed last night, and asked my wife this morning how it was for her. “Fairly OK,” she replied. Geesh! My cowgirl would say the Gunfight at OK Corral was a passable kill-fest.

  196. I used to be into Cigarette Boat Racing, but I’m trying to quit. During Spring Break in Mexico I was afraid I might nick a teen with that smok’in hot boat.

  197. The first crime in Space has been reported. A female couple comprised of an ASTRONAUNT and an earth-bound former spouse, (divorced some year’s ago), shared a bank account which was illegally accessed from the Space Station. Nothing too earth-shaking here. ATM = Astronaut Taking Money? Just a balance check, but pretty easy to trace from orbit!

    But how about the possibilities of space crime? I mean it sure would be hard to hang someone in zero G…

  198. One thing’s for sure: if I don’t have my wives’ wine poured at 5:00, all Hell breaks loose. I just wish it wasn’t 5AM! You’ve heard of Happy Hour, what we face is Crabby Hour. Her claws come out and I’m a sushi roll of raw fear.

  199. If you could lease a wife, then you’d never end up upside down on payments. Or sideways. Or…stuck with an old model.

  200. Men and women’s voices are naturally about an octave apart. Or as many females would say, they are higher and males are lower on the scale. Growl.

  201. In honor of the 300th joke: I hate to waste food and so when my hunter wife brings home game…I put my game face on and chow down. Still, I have to draw the line somewhere. So, I just can’t eat bear midriff!

  202. As Summer comes to an end and my wife puts away her thongs…I won’t have to view her chipped toe nail polish at the beach!

  203. My wife reminds me of a Harley-Davidson, not because she’s an exciting icon. It’s more that my spouse is heavyweight hog!

  204. Here’s one for the cooks: I met a girl named candy. She was sweet as chocolate, but had a bad temper. Does anyone know if Slo-Poke is still a thing?

  205. I’ve given up complaining about my wives’ sicko shoe addition. After all, dead men’s boots tread no trails!

  206. I met a dancer named Woon Tee Fong, who was made in China by her parents…when my wife got wind of her, she summed it up quite accurately with an acronym: “WTF?”

  207. The fog you see is an estrogen mist women use to blind us to their true purposes in life…dominate men, buy cute shoes.

  208. In the game of life, an old bleached blonde definitely beats an old beached blonde hands down. I have my standards, and draw the line (in the sand) at necrophobia.

  209. I saw two adjacent houses for sale. One sign said: “I’m Beautiful!” and the other next door proclaimed: “Come and check me out!” Yeesh, I thought: “Get a room, you horny houses!”

  210. Her name was Coco, she tipped the scales at 250 lbs, spoke broken, Chinese-English, and, yes, she was largely incoherent.

  211. Geeks have more fun. I mean, who wouldn’t want to personalize their browsers and get connected to Russian beauties with marriage on their minds, all-the-while sliding that wireless mouse across a slick surface in pulsating cyber-rhythms?

  212. “You’re in big trouble, Mister!” my wife accused, holding a blonde hair in her fingers. “I found this in our bed…and you promised me you’d stop!”

    Looking closely at the strand of Angel Hair Pasta dangling in my face, I entreated my wife: “I promise, babe, I’ll never eat in bed again!”


  213. So I was bragging about my 20-something trophy wife, and a buddy told me I’d be DIAW if I keep this up. Asked to elucidate, he spelled it out: Dead In A Week. Well, you only live dunce…

  214. The problem with the whole SWAT team thing is that in certain lighting those jackets and hats seem to start with a “T.”

  215. I used to call her the “B” word, then she graduated to the “C” word. Now, just on general principle, I’m going with the all-encompassing “T.” It’s a good alpha bet that Mrs. T does NOT pity of the fool.

  216. If you close one eye, and squint with the other, I’m still pretty cool…I mean, compared to a corpse or something really dead.

  217. I like extinct animals just as much as the next person, but trust me, it’s not easy being married to a woman who has devolved into a Giant Ground Sloth!

  218. My wife is very jealous. When we went to Hawaii she was mad at the airport greeter who gave me a lei as we stepped off the plane. “We’ve been in this ‘paradise’ for 10 seconds, and a girl has already given you a lay!”

  219. I dated a little Japanese cookie briefly, but she cost me a fortune! That, and I was always finding little pieces of paper everywhere…

  220. Loads of people say Public Speaking is one of their greatest fears…I say why not make a fool of yourself in public? It beats being a medical school cadaver…most of the time.

  221. I had a nightmare last evening. I Was Hitler’s Chauffeur, but didn’t know German, so kept getting lost. Man, that dude had a temper!

  222. Thursday night at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase…Will the Thrill in a showcase, busting out like a bald Houdini, punching beneath his weight-class and engaging in an epic dual with sanity.

  223. Considering my marriage…There’s a lot less here than meets the eye. Beyond the cellulite and weird world-view, I’m left with a squawk-box, and a feeling my wife ought to own a pitch-fork to complete her demon-like persona.

  224. Last night I could not find my wife in the Lawless Kingdom we call home. I figured she’d turn up, and since I didn’t feel like going on a witch hunt, I went to bed.

  225. My wife gets angry when I check out other women’s rear-ends. But, as I tell her, my military training makes me automatically watch their “six.”

  226. Sharon and I do some role-playing in the bedroom. She’s never been what you might call “creative,” so when it was time to devise a “safe-word” her choice was “STOP!”

  227. This morning, out of the blue, my wife proclaimed that she is “vexed” with me. Not understanding, I pressed her for details. “If you had a cervix you would know!” she explained.

  228. The first thing my wife does when she gets home is take off her bra. The second thing she does is say: “This is about me getting comfortable, and you leaving me the f**k alone.” Just kill me now, God.

  229. I’m embarrassed to admit my wife and I still have a Landline. I’d try to get rid of it but it’s a potential landmine, and I try to avoid my wives’ explosive tendencies. That ringing noise you hear isn’t just in my head!

  230. Isn’t it weird when two identical words have completely different meanings. (Sniff) Oh, my god! Somebody left a stool on the stage! Is this some kind of sick symbolism that my set, which I’ve just started by the way, is crap?

  231. Speaking of strange smells, my wife and I were making love last night…and she had just deuced with “Mango Basil.” I’m sorry, ladies, but I felt like I was raw-dogging a salad!

  232. When I was a child, my parents always told people that I ate my twin sister in the womb. I honestly don’t remember…It was pretty dark.

  233. Reading about a car interior cleaner, I noted that this magical product “removes unwanted stains.” Um, what the hell kind of stain do you want to keep?

  234. Not a sterling night at the Comedy Club tonight. Maybe reading joke cues printed on a 2-Liter bottle label made my set seem less than spontaneous?

  235. Maybe I’m the Weirdo, but I don’t get the female obsession with feelings. I say, chop for awhile, yell “Timber,” and don’t worry about the leaf litter. I’m not counting the rings on your neck, Miss Maple.

  236. If you’ve ever dreamed about living with a hot woman, just wait until your wife goes into menopause! Out of the blue she’s screaming at me that every window must be opened at 2AM, and it is definitely my fault that the world is a fiery pit.

  237. You wish it was possible to tell Van Gogh (who never sold a painting in his lifetime), how much his art is now appreciated. Just be sure to speak into his left ear…

  238. I married a woman from the Polynesian Islands. A gorgeous raven-eyed beauty with flowers in her hair. These days she has turned into a conch potato.

  239. My wife says you can learn a lot from history. “For example, I’ve learned quite a bit from your browsing history, sweetie pie.” Gulp.

  240. Too many couples avoid the serious S&M discussion. After 36 years, my spouse and I still have trouble talking about our Spending & Money!

  241. Keeping it weird: Our king-size bed is a modern motorized version capable of head and toe lifts, a massage mode, and dual remotes we can fight over, ensuring we always go to bed mad at each other.

  242. Nothing shocks me anymore. My wife just installed a defibrillator on our bedroom wall. Just in case I actually see her naked, I guess.

  243. The problem with mirrors above our bed is that at night it’s too dark to see anything, and in the morning you don’t want to.

  244. Sorry skinny women, but when it comes to females I have to grade on a curve. In my twisted world a triple D beats AAA all day long.

  245. Pillow Talk:

    JILL: Uh, everything OK down there?
    WILL: Piece of cake.
    JILL: Giggle. Angel food or Devils’ food?
    WILL: More like Red Velvet.

  246. Trump sure is inconsistent. He’s building a wall along the Mexican border to keep aliens out. But now that people are storming Area 51 to see the aliens there, he wants to build a wall around Area 51 to keep the aliens in.

  247. I’ve never understood why that skimpy string bikini bottom is called a “G-string.” Then it hit me: we see one on a beautiful babe and automatically think: “Gee!”

  248. I’m not saying my wife is old-school, but she does keep a yard stick in the bedroom, and isn’t afraid to use it when I don’t measure-up. Whack!

  249. Red leather mini-shirt. Check. Plunging lacy blouse. Check. Looking at pictures while wife is already asleep upstairs. Check, please. Let’s be real. Reality is overrated.

  250. Just for fun, I asked my wife about her “Desert Island List.” Would she want me, the kids, the cat on her desert island? Looking puzzled, she finally replied: “Could we forget all that, and just make it a ‘Dessert Island?'”

  251. Fall begins tomorrow, which, when you think about it, is quite a trip and a colorful tumble into cooler temps, unshaven legs, and wives’ nudging the thermostat that much closer to Hell.

  252. Funny how things change. Those formerly perky tits have turned into Milk Duds, and showing less is somehow now “more.”

  253. Time marches on, and even former top-tier performers have to adjust to aging concerns, thus, I give you: The Pumpkin Spice Girls!

  254. I suffer from IMS, Irritable Male Syndrome. And, when you add this to my wives’ PMS, you can bet we are capable of some ABC’s…Atomic Behavior Crap.

  255. Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed: Grin as much as possible in the early, heady days. Because it can be a rutted road, lovers, and your smilage can vary.

  256. The main problem with young lovelies is that, despite all your best efforts, they can be off-putting. As in, “Get off me!”

  257. When I was younger all my dates (4 of them) ended the same way. The girls always said: “Get some help.” Luckily my wife is used to me, and knows it’s hopeless.

  258. Reworking the joke…
    All my relationships with women have ended the same way. They look me in the eyes, and say those 3 little words: “GET SOME HELP!” (Better?)

  259. I was born in Waterloo, Iowa. Which should tell you something. Ever since, I’ve bummed around dead-end streets and Failure Lane. The only time comedy has paid a dime was when I sold a comic book for 50 cents, and that was to my mom.

  260. This one is for the Ancients. A woman told me I was her first…totally disastrous date. My profile picture was 30 year’s old. Well, some women like older men because they are less demanding in the sack. Just call me Rumpled Stillskin.

  261. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Don’t believe it. Both the credit card bills and a nasty STD followed me home.

  262. I was getting good vibes when my wife brought home a glass vase and commented that it was a mouth-blown original. She shut that down by complaining “I guess I’ll have to get some flowers to put in the vase since you’re about as romantic as week-old roadkill.”

  263. So there I was, contemplating the beauty of the Universe, when my wife screeched: “If you look at one more college girl, I’m going light you up like a solar flare.”

  264. A written survey closed with some pretty personal information requested…”Are you gender fluid/non-binary?” First, I would never drink my gender. And second, what the hell are you asking? I mean, I knew a bi-girl once, but isn’t it all a numbers game?

  265. As we age a turkey neck can develop, making turtle neck sweaters an attractive option. Sadly, I can remember women calling me an “animal” for a completely different reason…

  266. Not sure some people know how this name is pronounced: On a milk carton…”Have You Sean Me?” Sean rhymes with “Gone,” and apparently he is…

  267. In the News…Kids are on strike, demanding action on Climate Change. Yeah, gottca. Put down the Dorritos bags, pull out the ear-buds, unplug the PlayStation controllers, and get the Hell off my grass!

  268. I wanted to marry a blonde, but I settled for an Albino. At Christmas my green eyes and her red ones look very festive!

  269. Women have that certain something…call it attitude, we guys just can’t shake. It’s like a lipstick stain on the moon.

  270. My wife has the financial savvy of Mike Tyson. If I even mention her wasteful ways, she practically chews my ear off!

  271. As a child I had plenty of vivid nightmares. One I’ll never forget was dreaming I found a severed Unicorn head in my bed!

  272. The food industry in the USA has always been progressive. Long before mixed marriages were a thing they were pushing Buffalo Chicken…

  273. A big difference between Rock & Roll and Comedy is that we just don’t get any groupies. The lure of laughter can’t compete with that R&R God lifestyle. Unless you combine the two, like the aging Rolling Stones…

  274. Fashion retailer Forever 21 has filed for bankruptcy and plans to shutter 178 stores. You might say, in blackjack terms, they’re busted.

  275. Picture an ethereal ballerina performing lovely dance moves at the Barre. Then imagine a fat broad in a Tu-tu staggering around the Bar. Guess which one I’m married to? Come on, take a spin at my trip down the River Styx…

  276. Using a $1500 Smartphone for a flashlight, is a bit like buying a $5000 Memory Foam mattress and sharing it with a wife you’d like to forget.

  277. As a lawyer, I find it difficult to represent some clients. Last week I was in court with an Exorcist, and found it’s true what you’ve heard: procession IS 9/10’s of the law!

  278. WILL: “I used to be a College Hunk.”
    JILL: “And now you’re just a hunk of sh**.”
    WILL: “Till death do us part, my sweetie.”

  279. What does my wife have in common with this list?

    Labrador Retriever
    German Shepherd
    Weiner Dog
    Great Dane
    Gold Retriever

    Easy, you need a license to own them. Woof!

  280. I was raised my Kangaroos. It’s not that I feel jumpy, exactly. Down under it all I’m afraid of growing a pouch and being unattractive to Aussie chicks.

  281. I was thinking about famous sculptures, and wondering…If someone was found in a compromising position with the Venus De Milo could he then be arrested for statutory rape?

  282. I’ve been dating a lovely woman with the unusual name of “Deck.” When we get together, for me it’s all hands on Deck.

  283. I have a Napoleon complex…in my nether regions. As my wife reminds me, “Sometimes short isn’t so sweet, Frenchy.” It hurts my feeling when she rips my Bonaparte.

  284. My wife has done the deed in more countries than I can pronounce. Her slogan seems to have been: “Divide my legs and conquer.”

  285. I’m OK with the bedroom role-playing, the safe-words, even the costumes…but I have to draw the line at the “Mother May I?” routine. I’m not into incest, even in-jest.

  286. The big problem with going to a strip joint and ogling young beauties is that it’s hard to return to your wives’ back lard. Those tempting places are like a crave yard for your soul.

  287. So there she was lost in the Halloween Corn Maze…what started out as fun now left her with a creepy feeling she might be a stalking victim. Boo-ya!

  288. The only holiday my wife and I celebrate in the bedroom has a Mexican origin. It’s called “The Day of the Dead.” We just lay there, as usual, but light a skull candle to make things more festive.

  289. I’m not saying she’s a Demon Ette, an evilish creature, or a freaky female serpent…but there is something demonstrably, well, monstrous about her. Maybe it’s the Doritos breath?

  290. If you choose to play around with young chicks when you’re past your sell-by date, let me warn you: These girls can turn into Hell-Oh-Kitty.

  291. In High School I was always afraid I’d forget my locker combination. And so, even as an old wrinkled bald dude I still DREAD LOCKS.

  292. When our little daughter was growing up she wanted to be a magician…Now she turns tricks in Las Vegas. Poof!

  293. My wife is very shy in the bedroom. Round about midnight I heard a sound. At that point I figured I had succeeded and rolled over to catch some sleep…

  294. Something is wrong with our expensive Serta Sleep Number mattress. When my wife climbs in the readout zooms to minus 32 degrees. I mean, I knew she was frigid, but this is pretty freaking low!

  295. My wife and I went bed shopping, looking at Kings, Queens, per usual. On a cruel note, Sharon asked if they sold a Jester size mattress. Maybe I should’ve inquired whether a “Plus” size was available for her bulk…

  296. Someone should invent inconspicuous wing mirrors guys could attach to their glasses for checking out chicks while they’re out with their wives or girlfriends. You could call these REAR-VIEW MIRRORS. It’s hard to beat cute glutes…

  297. Consensual sex often does seem like a con that’s not very sensual. Where the heck IS that damn G-Spot? I swear it moves around from where I left it five days ago…

  298. My wife likes to dress in Urban Camo, which is a pattern like bricks, buses, and rubbish. It suits her to a “T.” And lets her blend into the general malaise.

  299. Everyone knows that women love a bouquet of flowers. Being a living thing, they of course have a short life, then whither and die…I am seeing a parallel with us males. But maybe we don’t smell as sweet even when new.

  300. Anyone who knows Im is unlikely to called Im a peach, but are the impeachment initiatives likely to give the Dems a fruity pie-in-the-face?

  301. Are you ready for Fall? Colorful, wrinkled, a PAIN TO CLEAN UP AFTER, AND COOL AS MENTHOL. The Season of my Witch.

  302. Over time things change in your married life. Foxy Lady becomes Soxy Lady. To misquote Nirvana, Smells like Mean Spirit.

  303. I’ve ordered the new C-8 Corvette, but my wife is mad about the optional Bose Stereo with 14 speakers. She says, “You only have 2 ears!” My fault for marrying a woman from the planet Zorg…

  304. Just think, every time you see a person it means there WAS a night when a woman did NOT have a headache…amazing when I imagine the Teutonic Plates I’m forced to spin to get any access to the camel toe.

  305. When you look at it alphabetically, the difference between RUDE and NUDE is only three letters, but my wife gives me the first daily, and the second very rarely.

  306. It’s World Mental Health Day 2019! I think I’ve spent too much time out in the sun today…I’m feeling brazed and confused!

  307. I came across some blood-stained money, never mind how. When I tried to deposit said cash, the young teller looked me in the eye and flipped her hair: “Sir, I cannot accept these bills. I’d suggest you get them laundered.”

  308. After 36 years of marriage my wife is living large…like one of those Russian dolls in reverse, she just keeps getting bigger and BIGGER.

  309. “His mighty manhood rose like a purple-veined stallion silhouetted against the damply rumpled satin sheets…” No reason to get excited, it’s flannel season and the only thrills in the house are in the wives’ romance novel…

  310. The sad thing is, our bedroom activities would be rated PG for no action, mild language, zero thematic elements, and reimagined dreams turned from wonder to Wonder Bread.

  311. JILL: When did you realize your first wife would be your Ex?
    WILL: One night I found out that she had an exoskeleton.
    JILL: So you made her aware it was time for her exodus.
    WILL: Exactly.

  312. My wife put mousetraps in her jewelry drawer. Odd, because she herself could get snapped. But I guess it’s one way to thwart thieves, and slip them an unexpected Micky.

  313. My wife is a powerhouse crackling with energy. She tried Yoga but found it boring. Our front porch sports a doormat that cost me $88.00!

  314. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I finally broke it off with my trophy girlfriend. I understood she was a prescription for disaster because the effect the girl had on me was 100% placebo.

  315. Fact of the Day:  Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world, it is ten times more effective than Valium.  

    *And, if you’ve done both, there’s a good chance your date with Bill Cosby didn’t go as planned.

  316. It’s been so long since my wife has invited me into her fairy garden that I feel like an elf all by lonesome self.

  317. I can’t spell but have to tell you that my baby has left me alown. Life is like a spelling bee where I’m stung where I’m hung.

  318. One year I was a letchprechaun for Halloween. The best I could do was find a pot-bellied blond at the end of the rainy night.

  319. I am confused by Hot Yoga! Is the idea to get sweaty while achieving some inner peace? I mean, discomfort isn’t comforting unless you’re some kind of twisted yogi person.

  320. When I first got married I’d envisioned sleeping with a heavenly body…now the true celestial image is one of an oversized freaking crab.

  321. My trophy wife says she has feelings for me: Loathing, Disgust, Vituperative Hate. I should have known Tara was about as real as bacon jerky…

  322. The mere sight of my wife used to make me horny. Now when I gaze at her I see a creature who must have been engineered by Satan.

  323. When my spouse is angry, which is very often, she asks rhetorically: “I guess you’ll be you churning your own butter, Cowboy?

  324. I’m not asking for a thrill ride in bed, but my wife put up a 7-foot-high sign saying “You must be this tall to ride.” What does she want, Bigfoot?

  325. Good News! My wife says she’ll be gone visiting her sister in Ohio for an entire week…suddenly I hear the theme from “The Magnificent Seven” playing in my mind!

  326. My wife and her younger sister were talking about STD’s in the next room, where they assumed I couldn’t hear them. Sexually Transmitted Diseases, right? Nope. They were actually talking about me, and how Sharon thinks I’ve gone from Stud To Dud. Awww, Nice!

  327. I used to hate it when girls I was interested in would use the F-word… As in, can’t we just be…friends?

  328. My niece says she isn’t a hooker. In her viewpoint she’s just ride-sharing. I say it’s a weird way of justifying pay to play for a sex drive.

  329. At first I thought my wife was exotic, having been born in Puerto Rico…little did I know before long I’d see the bitch was really from Planet Freako…

  330. I’m not say’in she’s fat, but when my wife moves in bed, I can sense a seismic shift. That’s what I get for marrying a Quaker…

  331. I personally love Halloween. One day out of 365 guys need to experience what it’s like to have a damned witch in the house.

  332. Some women subscribe to the notion that you have to suffer to be beautiful. My wife, for example, wears high heels, and in the morning experiences shredded feet. Why wear them IN BED?

  333. Most girls’ left boob is bigger than their right. I share this vital information with you today after many year’s of painstaking research, some of it got me jail-time.

  334. I married Sharon because she was bright, blonde and beautiful…a token to my success in life. Now she’s a virtual hag, toking weed that’s producing a skunky funk which shatters my world into a broken-mirror of reflected sorrow. Huh?

  335. Halloween is that time in your youth when you carry an old wrinkled bag around stuffed with treats. Little did I know someday I’d be a gigolo doing the same thing with old ladies.

  336. I guess any product can be sexy if you spin it right:
    “SLIDES UP TO 50% MORE EASILY IN TIGHT SPACES” vs. regular dental floss.

  337. People said my girlfriend had a “past” and I was a fool to waste time and money on her. I wanted to believe my dear Rendous when she insisted everything was great. Long story short, I found out she was horrendous…

  338. I told my wife that she loves vegetables more than me. She said if I could match the size of her zucchini then I could be #1!

  339. In met my 20-year-old future wife at a bakery. It wasn’t many years before I discovered she was a shallow tart. Roll me in flour and call me a crusty 66-year-old fool!

  340. I’m sweating like an animal. My antiperspirant has expired or maybe I’m just an animal by nature. I’d say “no sweat” but then I’d be dead. Like this joke!

  341. Things have gone too far! Feminists worldwide plan to protest pumpkin unfairness by promoting Jill-o-Laterns to young girls.

  342. The other day I was wondering why my wife is such a Witch. Then, it hit me: she was Gnome-schooled! I guess that could affect any ghoul for a spell.

  343. The dizzying heights and gutter lows of marriage are like being married to squirrel that drinks expresso by the gallon.

  344. My wife works in IT, and is used to evaluating computer performance. I just wish I could turn off her comments in bed!

  345. “Why don’t you try something different this year for Halloween?” my wife asked. “Like what?” I replied. “Well, you could try being a real man…”

  346. Is my wife as flat as a Ouija board? The answer is a definite “yes.” It’s weird being the one with the most cleavage!

  347. I swear to you, my thousands of fans, I am NOT even close to being “praved.” So why do most women insist that I must be “depraved?”

  348. My wife says I’m insensitive in bed…well, is that just because after a successful coupling I’ve been known to yell: “Nailed it!?”

  349. My partner attaches WAY too much importance to her blonde locks. I mean, sure, go get a nice hair-do. It looks sweet in a French Braid. But, I mean, really, it’s hardly do or die!

  350. My wife is a rather unrealistic person. For example, she says: “I’m saying NO to November.” OK, that should work…

  351. Well, my Halloween party was a complete flop. Wife got drunk and her sisters were witches, as always. The only thing that would have been worse, was the Donner Party.

  352. I used to have a cool wife. Now I have a frigid one. She was nice, now she’s ice. Hope for our marriage is absolute zero.

  353. I dated a fashion model briefly during college. She went on to be convicted of fraud and spent time in jail. From what I heard, she was a model prisoner.

  354. Have you seen those huge Carvana vending machines that contain actual cars for sale? Zoom to a view of one getting stuck like a Kit Kat half-way down the shoot…definitely do not try to rock the machine, or death may result!

  355. In our younger days my wife and I often did the Foxtrot. Now we’ve transitioned to the Old Dog Stumble. We tried a Waltz, but got Twisted. Just a couple of Golden Oldies.

  356. Women have longer lives, but men would swear they’re in a time-loop of estrogen-fueled rockets circling the earth.

  357. The Guttenberg Bible covered in Cheeto dust fingerprints. That’s how I see young beauties with those trashy tattoos!

  358. She used to be as firm as an apple. Now I’m blinded by Cellulite. Ah, life with a woman transformed into Granny Smith…

  359. “Been awhile, huh?” a stripper asked me at the bar as I salivated into my beer. Yeah, I thought, our Sleep Number bed keeps track of “Partner Motion”, and still reads 00000 after 3 years.

  360. My wife is skin and bones…and lot’s and lot’s of fat. People stop her in the store and ask if she’s an Opera star. Maybe it’s the metal bra peeking out?

  361. My wife is an artist. Not a painter or sculptress. But if you’re ever in need of a professional Scam Artist, she’s A+.

  362. I want to donate to the American Alzimers Association. But I can neither remember how to spell it or recall what it is…

  363. I’m actually kind of looking forward to increasing bouts of memory loss as I age…maybe I could just forget this whole wife thing and start over with a younger model..?

  364. I admit to being less than energic in bed. But, really, is it fair for Sharon to nickname me “Snail Male?”

  365. Marriage Fact #37: Another day, another holler. I used to think my wife was a doll, now she uses me as a Voodoo Doll.

  366. Girlfriend, Brooke is losing it. She says if I would just ditch wife #1 and marry her everything would be copesetic. It’s getting tough to be with babbling Brooke.

  367. Thirty years ago the Berlin Wall fell. Ah, East, West, reunited…Reminds me, I haven’t seen my wives’ Northern regions in years…

  368. Like a squirrel, I like my women bright-eyed and tushy-tailed. They can gather my nuts anytime and definitely climb my gnarly tree…

  369. Sharon bought a set of yellow bra and panties. “How do I look, Will?” she asked brightly. “Um, seducktive…” I replied.

  370. When the clouds start dropping their snowy dandruff it makes me want to comb the travel ads and part ways with Michigan!

  371. 36.2 years of marriage…can I get some relief for time served? I mean, convicts are released eventually, but this is a life sentence, ain’t it?

  372. Sharon got a tattoo of an alarm clock on her left hip. Why? “This way,” she explains, “time is always on my side.” Blonde logic.

  373. I remember a romantic song called “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Let’s get real, folks. After awhile it’s a disappointing excursion into well-traveled terrain.

  374. I dated a girl during college who was from Istanbul, Turkey. After several months of her lies and deceit I told that bird to get stuffed.

  375. Our new mattress is made by Kellogg’s, and it was a big mistake. Every time we roll over or move it’s the same disturbing noise: *Snap, *Crackle, *Pop! Trust me, this is not a Gggggreat way to sleep.

  376. My friend and I traded girlfriends when I was in high school. I distinctly remember that I got the better “end” of the deal.

  377. Who says oldsters can’t be animals in bed? My wife has a turkey neck and can still shake that waddle for all it’s worth!

  378. I would like to invent a new word today, and every man alive will relate: wo-manipulation. They do it best, right guys?

  379. Those “Golden Years” you hear about are absolutely untrue. Your wife is a prune, you’re plum tuckered out, and you wonder whether the wrinkles of an unmade bed resemble your freaking face. Wake up and smell the Bran Cereal and Decaf Java.

  380. I leaned over, brushed some icicles off the pillowcase, and asked her if she was “in the mood.” “Leave me the freak alone,” my spouse replied coolly. Ah, ya got to love middle age…

  381. Cringe-Worthy Moment # 43: “What’s that smell? Oh, it’s you…I thought someone had left a dead hyena under the bed.”

  382. It seems lonely people are forming attachments to their Alexis devices, and using them as surrogate “friends” in an increasingly cold and impersonal world. Maybe I’ll jump into this admittedly sad trend and try my latest “Pick-Up Lines” on my trusty Rhumba robotic vacuum!

  383. My wife is Speaker of the House, and I’d be interested in the rules to impeach her. Gods knows we haven’t had any sexual congress in years!

  384. If a hooker gets an offer for her services that’s unacceptable, IS THAT A LOW-BALL OFFER? See what I did there?

  385. It’s my own fault for marrying a member of the X Generation. Our life is one Xtreme Xperience after another. Someday soon she’ll probably be my X.

  386. Say something romantic, my wife insisted. Um, OK. I’m arm’s deep in love with you…Not that old phrase again!

  387. I dated a buxom woman briefly. Zero personality. I don’t know what I saw in her. Ultimately it was just a huge bust.

  388. JILL: “You are obsessed with Sex! It’s all you ever talk about!”
    WILL: “I can see your point, butt, butt, butt, butt…”

  389. I went to my local Planet Fitness and told the trainer I wanted to work on my abs. She took one look at my out-of-shape body and said: “What is this, some kind of absurdist humor?”

  390. Women are complex, multi-dimensional creatures. I must admit that I am still trying to find my wives’ good side!

  391. It’s the weekend and I’m ready to kick a**! Do you ever feel this way? I mean, like you can’t wait to kick a couple of asterisks?

  392. If my wife were a car with a wide-body kit I’d be thrilled. But she’s a human, and the wide-body ain’t so thrilling, bro.

  393. She’s got the waddle, check. Her figure is big-breasted, check. Her cavity is stuffed, check. That’s why the lady is a turkey.

  394. I never know WHAT to buy my wife for Christmas…you’d think that after 36 years I’d have a clue. She tells me gently, as you would talk to a 3-year-old: “No lingerie, no appliances, nothing alive. Please, dear, think outside the sox.”

  395. For years the only day my wife would make love was when I got paid. Somewhere in her mysterious female mind she thought: “Check, mate.”

  396. Happy Dead Turkey Day! Light or dark meat, gizzard or blizzard of marshmallow encrusted once-green beans, at least we’re still viably alive on this odd holiday before the official insanity of Black Friday hits you between blood-shot eyes.

  397. Gift lists, party shoes, holiday dresses…looks like the Season of the Bitch. “And get on your own side of the Manger, Lord Willy!”

  398. When you get married, guys, get ready to love your wife through thin and thick. Who needs a night light when you have cellulite?

  399. My wife is taking advantage of my cognitive memory loss. When I reminded her that it was “Date Night” in the bedroom, and we had skipped many such dates, she laughed: “You are an absolute animal! Babe, you wore me OUT just last night!” Hmmm. Did I?

  400. My wives’ hobby is shopping. Why can’t the bitch learn to knit or something? With my luck she’d probably stab me with the knitting needles and then collect the insurance.

  401. Weed is my one pot dinner solution. Folks lined up in Ann Arbor to buy a legal buzz…the stinger is high prices to get HIGH.

  402. Things you can do without pants on:
    1. Shop Cyber Monday deals.
    2. Post “Always Funny” jokes.
    3. Have sex, or at least try.

  403. During college I worked part-time at a chemical plant that produced acids, ammonia, sulfides, and other poisons. I finally had to quit in my senior year, because I’d reached the point where I just couldn’t stand that toxic environment.

  404. In my younger decades I knew a fortune-teller who worked her magic unclothed. Bet you’ve never dated a Topless Trancer! Her name was Crystal, and we had a Ball.

  405. After many provocative emails from “Amber” she finally owned up to wanted me to contribute to her “Fund Me” page. I told her to change the “n” and “d” to “c” and “k,” dig?

  406. Some chick was gaslighting me online, so I pulled out of that shade-throwing noise while I still had my metaphors straight.

  407. The problem with trophy wives is this: Yes, she’s a lovely redhead, less than 1/3 my age, but this beautiful creature so easily transforms into an absolutely RAVING BEAUTY…

  408. The plant and gardening catalogs are expecting gangbuster sales from a new miniature fruit tree developed in the lab. It’s been dubbed the “Imp Peach!”

  409. A classic from the land of cuckoo clocks and cheese…

    WILL: Name one good thing about Switzerland.
    JILL: Well…their National Flag is a plus.

  410. I dated a Ninja briefly. She was a beauty, but just too quiet for me. I never knew if she had reached a climax or just delicately sneezed.

  411. I met a woman who has her own Eco-System. The first (and last) we met for coffee she exclaimed: “Eeek, Oooh!” So much for not being judgmental!

  412. As Christmas approaches my wife keeps leaving lingerie catalogs by my computer. She marks these up in heavy black Sharpie: “Don’t even think about buying me more of this crap!”

  413. My wife was making Ginger Bread Man cookies, and decided to also make a point. “This is you,” she said, swiftly removing the head of one of the Ginger Men, “if you ever decide to play around with another woman.” Message received Chef Lady! This Man has zero plans to end up half-baked and headless.

  414. I bought my wife a necklace for Christmas. In fact several, since the glow-colors all looked so awesome. I’m not cheap, I prefer to think that I am child-like.

  415. It was cute at first: His and Hers towels, robes, toothbrush holders. And this evolved into separate closets, bedrooms, residences, and lives. Somehow we still share my freaking paycheck though…

  416. JILL: I was born on Friday the 13th. Lucky for you!
    WILL: Yeah, don’t I know it! You’ve grown out of “the curse,” but I still have the bloody specter of a witchy wife who floats over my life like an evil Thanksgiving balloon.

  417. Some people claim the Impeachment rumblings in D.C. are basically a Witch Hunt. Come on! Can we at least get the gender thing right? It’s a Warlock Hunt, guys.

  418. Next on the stage…Will the Thrill!

    “I’m like James Brown: (Spin in place) I feel good!”

    (Little or no audience reaction.)

    “But I am feeling worse by the second, folks.”

  419. When I met my future wife in the Bermuda Islands she was hip, sexy, dangerous, mysterious, and exotic as multi-colored parrot. Now? The bitch is just a Bermuda Square!

  420. She was a dancer named Kandy Kane. Meeting and pointlessly pursuing her caused my life to spiral out of control until I ended up twisted and broken in the alley of life. Happy Holidays!

  421. The problem with topless bars is that they cause a cleavage with my wife, and I end up feeling like a boob. Unfortunately, my spouse is flat, and I get board with her. Way to milk the joke, Will!

  422. A professional golfer is in hot water after getting caught in a prostitution sting. Prior to the Florida tournament he was scheduled to play in, the FBI sting picked him up for a different type of playing around. This is one duck hook he won’t soon forget.

  423. I thought I’d dally with a pert little blonde dancer, taking her for a “spin” while still married. Man that chick turned out to be one razor-edged Frisbee. Ouch.

  424. Guys, be thankful you were not born a scorpion. When you had the urge to chase a bit of girl scorpion tail, it could be fatal!

  425. The problem with thinking you’re “on fire” with your comedy routine is that you are very likely making an ash of yourself.

  426. I bought my wife a corset for Christmas last year. She is STILL bent out of shape about it. I’ve actually gotten used to sleeping on the couch…

  427. My wife has gnarly toenails! It’s hard to feel romantic when she shreds the sheets with those fangs. Forget the mistletoe, and put the Christmas kisses on hold. My little elf has a bad case of thistle toe.

  428. My wife is easy on the eyes, but tough on the wallet. Her shoe collection could shod a small town and she never stops buying more. We tried a Boot Camp intervention, but she just came home with…dozens of pairs of boots

  429. Being married to a (dumb) blonde is interesting. This morning her formerly beautiful golden hair was oddly streaked with yellow. “I wanted to add highlights,” she explained, “so I used a Highlighter.” 🙁

  430. My wife says she thought I would be her “Knight in shining armor…but I turned out to be her worst Knightmare. ;(

  431. Sharon is spineless, pale, pathetic wife. But in a good way…sometimes you just want a little protoplasm in your life! 🙂

  432. Ever wish your nagging wife was a horse so you could just take her out back and shoot her in the head? Me neither.

  433. Being married to a Drama Mama makes you want to close the curtain and write a scathing review of your 36th Season with such a poor performing partner. Boo! 🙁

  434. Those creepy “Elf on a Shelf” dolls are AN ODD CHRISTMAS TRADITION. Like my wife, they appear in strange places looking rather evil, making me question whatever shreds of sanity might be lurking just beyond that next comedy gig where I am paid in beer and M&Ms.

  435. Happy 700! “You had one job,” my wife says, “and that was to be a perfect husband.” The only way I can get her to change her mind is to buy her a lobotomy.

  436. My wife wants to get her boobs done for the Holidays. She’s singing: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teats!”

    Pretty classic, eh?

  437. I bought my wife a black bra with white fur trim because it reads sexy and festive. Unfortunately, in reality she actually looks like a Chupacabra…

  438. Funny! I was looking at a Russian dating site and noticed the fill-in-the-blank data requested included “Your REAL email!”

  439. Teen girls are big on being “fierce” and “fearless” these days. Just wait until a raccoon finds it’s way into the garage and see if it’s not Dad who gets the call. Grrrirl Power!

  440. I like a woman who dresses in daring fashion, however, there is a limit to tastelessness. My wives’ plunging neckline glittery cocktail dress is literally “over the top!”

  441. We experienced a Christmas Miracle last night in the bedroom. My wife actually didn’t have a “headache” and let me play drummer boy on her.

  442. I said the wrong thing? #15
    A lesbian couple gushed: “Were trying to get pregnant!”
    I told them: “Well, GOOD LUCK!”

  443. Hallmark landed in hot water after pulling an ad showing two brides kissing at a wedding, because they had just married each other. Apparently a similar ad showing men was deemed acceptable. It just goes to show you: Lez is more not good.

  444. My wife got her nails done in alternating red and green polish for Christmas. She didn’t appreciate it when I told her: “Hey, nice Mrs. Santa Claws!”

  445. Updated Christmas Humor:
    OLD: What do you call a polar bear at the beach? Sandy Claws!
    NEW: What do you call a polar bear at the beach? Global Warming!

  446. Last night I dreamt I was a spiral-sliced ham. The relatives paid attention to me for once, as they bagged my slices and spirited me off to their cars; just like our Christmas party.

  447. When I came home from shopping today, my wife was wearing just three fig leaf’s. “Look,” she said, “I’m Christmas Eve!”

  448. The lack of snow on Christmas makes Global Warming seem not so bad after all. You can always shake a snow globe if you want the Wintery vibe…

  449. My wife reminds me that good things come in small packages. A nice Christmas sentiment, for sure. Sorry, Babe, I still like big, sloppy boobs.

  450. I got lucky last night. My wife gave me an after-Christmas Party favor: she hung mistletoe on my sleep-apnea machine.

  451. I gave my unemployed son a bread-making machine for Christmas. “Here you go, David, now you can make your own dough. Love, Dad.”

  452. My wife was upset that her new Instapot didn’t come with any weed. Here in Michigan we can puff the Magic Dragon, assuming you’ve got the green to afford it.

  453. It’s the 27th and already my wife is needling me to take down the freaking tree. How about if I put her out for the trashmen to pick up instead? Unhappy Holidays!

  454. Despite my wives’ irritation, I will always swing my neck to check out a woman with a cute butt. You can’t keep a good wolf down.

  455. I bought my wife a Ninja coffee maker for Christmas. Not romantic she says. Just another kitchen appliance for her to deal with she says. Jesus, is the gift “grounds” for divorce?

  456. In England the female equivalent of a knight is a “dame.” In the USA the female equivalent of a husband is a demon, or so it seems.

  457. I’m married to an ATM, that’s Absolutely Terrifying Mother, who gives her kids from her first marriage anything they desire…my freaking money! $ave for the future? Nah!

  458. So there I was, sweating like a banshee, wondering whether to be happy or sad that my wife was viewing my search history…what had I looked at recently…expensive cars? Nudes? Chloroform for fun and profit?

  459. They say 80% of New Year’s Resolutions are broken in 20 days. The old 80/20 rule, I guess. But when I’m 80 I’d love to link up with a 20-year-old chick. Dream on, old coot.

  460. At first she was charming, but somewhere along the way my wife turned into a bad luck charm. How are those resolutions coming along? Let me know in the comments. 🙂 Yeah, right.

  461. We all know guys who compartmentalize women: leg men, boob men, butt men…foot fetish guys, too. How about necks? Would that be a necromancer?

  462. One funny thing about the “Cats” debacle is that very few movie-goers had any real interest about these damned digital singing/dancing felines. So lack of curiosity killed the cats.