1. My wife is attending a Girl’s Night Out. Far be it from me to point old that at 68 she is a PRETTY OLD GIRL!

  2. Sometimes things work out. My Uncle Leo wears a trench coat and like to flash ladies. My Aunt Virginia is going through “The Change” and has hot flashes. Those two can really light up a room.

  3. I’m not saying Trump is losing it, but at this point, I’m pretty sure he could not only hide his own Easter eggs but might be able to lay them as well.

  4. A New York Middle school teacher says she was fired over a topless selfie sent to a boyfriend years ago. It’s obvious the picture is from long ago. Her boobs are still perky.

  5. “I’ll be in the Feminine Products aisle,” my wife said over her shoulder in Walmart. I found her half an hour later in the chocolate section. Should have known!

  6. Young women have so many choices today. When I was growing up there were “sluts,” now a lady can simply choose to provide her love life as “open-source.”

  7. President Donald Trump talking about wind turbines: “They say the noise causes cancer.” Who says that? Who is they? Are these people that other folks can hear too? Or more voices that only speak to you?

  8. My wife HATES to be bothered when she’s reading. In fact, she has instituted a strict “you talk, you die” policy. Harsh? Yes, but very effective.

  9. National Library Week is April 7th-13th. President Trump plans to increase his personal library by 100%…and have two books.

  10. Being married is sometimes rather demanding. Sharon looks at me and says: “Darling, it’s time for Spring Cleaning, AND I AM ASSIGNING VOLUNTEERS!”

  11. So let me get this straight. Donald Trump is an admitted serial sexual abuser, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a con- man, a bully, an idiot and an oaf and Joe Biden is out of touch and doesn’t respect personal space. You’re right, get him out of here.

  12. Trump made fun of Joe Biden because five or six women complained that he touched them without their consent: “Beginner.”

  13. At my age I have got to stop chasing young women. I’d like to think that I’ve had my last “Miss” adventure.

  14. When I met my wife, I felt lucky as a gambler throwing 4 and 3 on a dice roll. Now, the bitch drives me 7 kinds of crazy!

  15. Call me old-fashioned, but I still can’t get used to nose rings on womens…it’s like their earring ended up in the wrong place.

  16. A musical tribute to Johnny Rivers and Junior Brown: “Da da da da da da da da da, Secret Aging Man! They’re giving you a number, and taking way your name…Secret Aging Man!”

  17. Dear Democrats. Please shut up. From now on, no bashing of any other democrat. You can say nice things about your guy or gal or decline to state, but that’s it. If you can’t help from saying nasty things, concentrate on the Oval Office Oompa Loompa. Thank you.

  18. Old girl, get out of my life.
    I can’t believe you are really my wife.
    Better scoot, girl. Your case is moot, girl.

    Hot hag in the city. Looking old and not
    too pretty. Old hag, not much of a talker.
    Got some fancy moves with her walker.

  19. With all the shake-ups in the government, man, would I like to have the name tag concession for Trump’s cabinet meetings.

  20. California officials are confident that there will be fewer wildfires this year. Must be nothing left to burn.

  21. Attorney General William Barr abridging Gone With the Wind: “Girl survives Civil War by wearing a dress made out of curtains.”

  22. I accidently wandered into a lesbian restaurant, and found an old favorite on the menu with a brand new name: Chicken a la Queen.

  23. President Donald Trump says he wants a harder line Immigration Department. What does that even mean? What’s worse than kids in cages? Is he going to put the bars closer together? Use a finer mesh? Blast audio of him giving speeches where he uses all the best words?

  24. Astronomers have taken the first picture of a black hole. That’s the first picture of a black hole in outer space. There have been many pictures taken of Trump’s cabinet.

  25. Trump wonders why George Washington didn’t name his home — Mount Vernon — after himself. Trump just can’t believe that someone couldn’t be such an egomaniac that he wouldn’t put his name on every building he owns.

  26. I definitely felt some spring in my step today. But basically April showers bring a bunch of weeds, mud and May flies.

  27. Muchos thank you’s to all the women here tonight. I need all the estrogen I can get in my final count-down to dust.

  28. Donald Trump could say that Jesus Christ was a fake savior who unfairly persecuted the rich and his base would claim the president was speaking in tongues.

  29. Sheriffs deputies responded with guns drawn to a report of a burglar locked in a resident’s bathroom only to find a robotic vacuum cleaner. The fuzz had a good laugh when they found that Alexa had pulled the shampoo prank on Roomba. You know, Clean. Rinse. Repeat.

  30. My wife is a monster in bed, and has been ever since she was a bride. I can put up with the screaming, but the hissing has gotten on my nerves.

  31. Gosh it was great to see Tiger win another Major. Now, if I could only win even a minor victory with my wife, I’d feel like less of a loser!

  32. If the Trump Administration ships undocumented immigrants to San Francisco, we’ll welcome them because we need more Uber drivers to take us to a wider variety of burrito shops.

  33. When I get home from work I can always look forward to a little R and R with the wife. Unfortunately, that stands for Ranting and Raving…

  34. The repair of Notre Dame is estimated to cost over $112 million. Trump offered to lend the money so long as they renamed it, Notre Damn-I’m-The-Greatest!

  35. I met a girl online named Wanda Thomas Fox and decided to meet for coffee. She didn’t look anything like her site photo, so I’m thinking WTF?

  36. Billionaires have donated more than $700 million to rebuild Notre-Dame Cathedral. Oops, make that $700 million and a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago.

  37. Couldn’t really hear Official Administration Lapdog William Barr’s yapping misdirection before the release of the Mueller Report due to the clicking of his toenails on the linoleum. And the drool was distracting.

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