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— 74 Comments

  1. The Dali Lama goes into a pizza parlor, clasps his hand together and murmurs, “Make me one with everything.”

  2. My son isn’t having much luck with his new dating app, following several disastrous dates with much older women. Lately he’s taken to calling it his “witch hunt.”

  3. Donald Trump hasn’t just lowered the bar. He’s buried it. So deep you couldn’t find it with a diesel powered metal detector.

  4. If you ever want to know what it’s like to be a horse, (and who doesn’t?), turn your hoodie around, then fill the backwards-facing hood with Cheerios. Presto, you’ve got your feedbag on…

  5. Everywhere he goes, Donald Trump leaves a trail of stink so noxious, it could knock a flock of buzzards off a line of porta- potties on the last day of Coachella.

  6. What can you say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been exhaustively covered by the latest USDA nutritional pamphlet on polenta.

  7. My wife said she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. So she poured oregano on the mattress. The only desire this invoked was a craving for pizza

  8. Today, Donald Trump said “no collusion” 5 times, making it 226 times he’s said it out loud since May of 2017. He’s turned into President Rainman before our very eyes. “Yeah, no collusion. No collusion. I’m an excellent driver.”

  9. My wife was born in Denmark. After nearly 36 years of wedded hiss, I find myself married to a not-so-great Dane.

  10. Went to church last night. Jesus showed up to autograph bibles. I said no thanks. Not like he’s President or anything.

  11. My wife is a perfume junkie. Her latest purchase is like a cross between old socks and cheese with a decease. I mean really, the name ought to be “Eau du Eeww!”

  12. Shortly after I paid for my mistress’ breast enlargement operation, she left me for a richer, younger man. My wife said she’d undergo the surgery if I promised to stop playing around. That’s what a call a real boobie prize.

  13. Sometimes it seems that Disney has a license to print cash, with it’s global theme parks and mega-movie deals. Not so fast. A recent remake of a beloved classic film resulted in “Mary Floppins.”

  14. Paul Manafort just got another slap on the wrist. But those two slaps will keep him in jail for at least the next 7 years. That’s the bad news for the soon to be 70 year- old. The good news: lots of co- workers and friends are coming to join him.

  15. President Donald Trump announced an emergency order grounding the Boeing 737 Max. The FAA is in complete agreement with The Donald. In fact, they’ve sent him out to the White House Rose Garden to get a bucket of prop wash.

  16. Facebook and Twitter were both off the air for many hours on Wednesday. In fact, they were off the air so long all the Student Emojis matriculated to Stanford, USC and Yale.

  17. Marriage can teach you many things. For example, I have become very knowledgeable about despair and futility on a personal level.

  18. I really don’t feel bad about trying to duck out on my medical bills. After all, the doctor was nothing but a freaking quack!

  19. I need to get my hands on that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow so I can bribe my kid’s college admission officials. #StPatricksDay

  20. So let me get this straight. Lori Loughlin allegedly bribed a coach to claim her daughter was a top athlete in a sport she never played in order to get her into a school she didn’t want to go to in the first place. Look for Lori to be the next nominee to Trump’s cabinet.

  21. A website asked my wife to confirm that she is not a robot. I held my tongue, and didn’t say she kind of is one, in bed.

  22. My wife says her glasses are broken and need fixing. I told her I can do this with both eyes tied behind my back!

  23. I’ve got the band name, so all I need now is the actual band, talent, drive, ambition, and stuff…Introducing The Van Gogh Goghs!

  24. Donald Trump as President isn’t a great leap from having Andrew Dice Clay trade in his black leather jacket for a much too long red tie.

  25. When I see young women sporting nose rings I unconsciously find myself wondering where ELSE they’re pierced…

  26. Sheriff in Kraft prostitution case expects video will eventually be released to the public. Look for it on Ewww-Tube.

  27. I am so confused by fashion! I mean, “Buffalo Plaid?” I have never even seen a Buffalo wear clothes, much less lumber-jack style.

  28. A mime was arrested for attacking a student on a college campus. Needless to say, she exercised her right to remain silent.

  29. The price to see the smash-hit musical “Hamilton” costs way too many Hamiltons, so I voted with my wallet “No!”

  30. For Democrats, the Mueller Report is a bigger disappointment than Y2K. Al Capone’s Vault. The Comet Kohoutek. Ford’s Edsel. Michael Jordan the baseball player. Interview with a Vampire the play. George McGovern. Al Capone’s Secret Vault. Howard the Duck. The Segway. Star Wars- Episode 1. Theranos. Ryan Leaf. Season 2 of True Detective. Galaxy 7. Google Glass. My comedy career.

  31. Just like a contusion sounds more serious than a bruise, a woman who insists “nothing is wrong” is saying you are in a Hell of a lot of trouble.

  32. Trump says Mueller report exonerates him. Just remember, to Old Orange Head, ex-on-er-ates is oral sex from the ex wife.

  33. When you think about it, “Lady and the Tramp” sounds a bit like a lesbo film. Sorry, Walt…When you walk on the sand and you step on an eel, that’s a Moray.

  34. The Special Counsel’s report states “while this report does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” Robert Mueller couldn’t exonerate him, but William Barr apparently could.

  35. My wife and I had a destination wedding. It was on the river Styx, and things have gone to Hell very predictably.

  36. British Prime Minister Theresa May says she’ll resign after Parliament agrees to Brexit. Think we can make that deal with Trump? He gets his wall, we get him gone.

  37. Things have sure changed from when I was in high school. My teenage son has all kinds of girls asking him to the prom. When I was his age, the only thing girls asked me to was leave them alone.

  38. My wife has a shoe addiction. She’s tried to stop buying footwear compulsively, but failed, and now must admit defeet.

  39. Now Trump wants to investigate the investigation. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll appoint an investigator to investigate the investigators investigating the investigations. Investigatively.

  40. You get to be a Senior three times: High-School, College, and when you’re too freaking old to tie your own shoes.

  41. All the optimists I knew have already died, so let’s drink to the bleakness of the future and try not to choke on the olive.

  42. In lieu of throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener, Donald J. Trump instead encouraged his new Attorney General to throw out the 1st Amendment.

  43. On a serious note, folks, been reading about Tim Conway’s battle with dementia. Probably the best comedic mind of the past 60 years, maybe ever. Godspeed, Tim.

  44. I suspect my wife was a feline in her former life. I’m pretty pawsitive about this because she acts so catty.

  45. George Clooney has called for a boycott of Brunei-owned luxury hotels because of the country’s anti-gay death penalty. Now that’s a boycott we can all join.

  46. My wife called me at work to say she’d bought some candles and a sexy gown for tonight’s love fest…then I remembered that it’s April Fool’s Day. Another dream goes up in smoke.

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