1. Don’t know why they keeping talking about the Hamas Party. That’s an oxymoron of monumental proportions. Where are the balloons?

  2. WILL:If you just wanted to make my life a fiery pit of Hell, why did you marry me?
    JILL: I didn’t want to die without a will.

  3. I don’t think my wife loves me anymore. When I got home from work she told me she’d moved all my stuff into my new “Man Cave.” Only one problem, we have an unheated crawl space!

  4. Trump says he takes Kim Jong Un at his word that he knew nothing about the torture death of Otto Warmbier. Apparently if our US intelligence agencies want to be taken seriously, they should take over some third world country. I mean another one.

  5. Porn star Ron Jeremy has earned a lot of money thanks to his large member–proving one person’s junk is another person’s treasure.

  6. My wife is an excellent liar. When I found that she’d been keeping a Voodoo Doll of me, Sharon tried to explain this ghoulish practice away by saying “At least I wasn’t stabbing pins in you, sweetie.”

  7. The leader of a neo- Nazi white supremacist group handed over control of its organization to a black man. Jeff Schoep of the National Socialist Movement says he was duped. Well, there’s your problem. That’s what dupes do. They get duped.

  8. My wife has a terrible sense of direction, and is always getting lost despite GPS. She’s nuts and that probably explains her Psycho Paths.

  9. Fake orchestra toured internationally selling millions of CD’s. Symphony for the Devil. Hope those responsible go Baroque from patrons wanting their money Bach.

  10. Martha Stewart is now an adviser to a Canadian marijuana company. She’s very excited about the project and has already designed an edible roach clip called Martha’s Munchie.

  11. Ever since I ditched my fat girlfriend it’s taken a load off my mind…In bed I always felt like I was on a roll.

  12. Philly gives Bryce Harper $330M 13-year contract. Apparently, it’s not just the Liberty Bell that’s cracked.

  13. This morning I could just make out the shape of my wife’s beasts under the bedspread, and I thought: “Those are just the tips of the iceberg.”

  14. It’s National Grammar Day. My biggest struggle is with the dangling participle. Fortunately, there’s a pill for that.

  15. The Republican attack against Michael Cohen’s testimony is he’s a convicted liar. They neglect to mention he was convicted for lying to keep Donald Trump out of trouble. If hypocrisy were coal, these guys would be West Virginia.

  16. let me get this straight. some famous actress paid $500,000 to get her two daughters into prestigious universities. that’s 250k apiece. how stupid were these girls?

  17. Donald Trump says there should be no Mueller Report. And he’s right. There should be no President Trump either. Life’s a bitch. And then you die. Or get impeached. Or both. Not necessarily in that order.

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