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  1. Trump in ‘very good health overall’ but obese, according to physical exam results. Trump needs to build a wall around the fridge.

  2. Valentine’s Day was last Thursday and the sale of candy, flowers, and sexy lingerie quadrupled. Who would have thought there were so many toilet seats left up that morning.

  3. Matt Kuchar has agreed to pay caddy full amount for win in Mexico. And rightly so. After all, he handled Kuchar’s bag, washed his balls, straightened out his putter–and on top of all that, caddied for him.

  4. Levi-Strauss is going public next month, offering stock for the first time in nearly 50 years. Up till then, the only time Levis had a showing on Wall Street was when some guy left his zipper down.

  5. President’s Day, Monday, February 19th, the day we celebrate all our presidents. Except one. We celebrate him on April 1st.

  6. General Motors announced plans to build and sell an electric bicycle. You can ride it to work, you can ride it to the store. Plus, if the need arises, it’s got a secret media device. In the likely event of a geek shaming you can easily clip the bike to an Uber bumper.

  7. Bernie Sanders just announced he is running for president again; pretty sure his campaign website will be: heyyoukidsgetoffmylawn.com.

  8. I feel like I’ve been railroaded into marrying my 20-something wife. And all because I fell in love with her caboose…

  9. Yesterday the San Diego Padres owner, Ron Fowler, gave Manny Machado a 10 year $300 Million contract.

    *This marks the first time in Major League Baseball history that an owner was immediately tested for both ‘concussion protocol’ and ‘illegal drugs’ at the same time!

  10. Manny Machado just signed a $300 Million contract with the MLB Padres of San Diego.

    *When asked what he was planning to do with all that money, Machado said, “Buy the San Diego Padres!”

  11. Super Snow Moon fills the sky this morning with a moon that’s about 10% closer to earth than normal …appearing much bigger.

    *The only thing ‘Not Super’ about this moon is the pictures from Instagram and Facebook users!

  12. My wife is jealous of the guitars in my collection. “I don’t know why I even bother wearing sexy lingerie,” she pouts. “You’re more interested in THEIR G-strings.”

  13. Life is all a matter of perspective: One night a mouse looked up at the sky and saw a bat and thought “OMG! An angel!”

  14. Sometimes smaller is better: Miniskirts, thong underwear, noses…but when it comes to brains, I gotta go big or go home…alone.

  15. Roger Stone called posting a photo of the presiding judge with crosshairs near her head “a momentary lapse of judgment.” How many momentary lapses of judgment in a row before you qualify as a congenital dickweed? Shouldn’t 40 years of momentary lapses qualify?

  16. Like some other Americans my wife and I are receiving a tinier tax refund than what we were hoping for. My wife hasn’t been this disappointed over something smaller than expected since our wedding night.

  17. Envelope please! Best Actor/Actress goes to…The American people for acting like we don’t have a madman on Pennsylvania Avenue.

  18. The “Empire” TV show actor who staged his own racial/gay inspired attack has been fired from the hit show. The Empire REALLY Strikes Back!

  19. If The Donald gets relieved of his Chief- Executive position he can still maintain his exposure by producing a documentary on his hair. Probably set off a bidding way between The Syfy Network and Animal Planet with Comedy Central an outside possibility.

  20. My Uncle Charlie always cheats on his taxes. This year he’s deducting money spent on a visit to the Mustang Ranch as a charitable contribution to a horse rescue.

  21. I got an email that asked if I’d be interested in “having real conversation with a variety of totally natural womens.” I thought, sure, why not? The more, the hairier.

  22. Got busted for walking down the street drinking a Coors Light. Told the cop I thought this was an open carry state. She said yes, but only for Colt 45 Malt Liquor.

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