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  1. Officials at a zoo in Switzerland checked the DNA of a newly born orangutan and determined the father lived in a completely different enclosure and must have mated with the mother through a hole in the fence. The frisky male’s name is ”Vendel,” which is Swiss for Charlie Sheen.

  2. I had a mistress named Fi who ended up stealing my computer password and buying clothes, shoes, and jewelry. When I confronted her, all I could think to ask was “WiFi?”

  3. Pro golfer Rocco Mediate admits to drinking regularly during PGA Tour events. Shame on him for driving under the influence.

  4. Man arrested after projecting adult film onto garage door for entire neighborhood to see

    *This just blows my mind!

    …I mean, getting a projector to work on a crooked garage door with slanted driveway is truly remarkable!

    • *English Passengers knew something was wrong when, during the flight, the Pilot announced, “To your left you’ll see Stonehenge, and to your right you’ll see my [expletive] wife and her new boy-toy [expletive] in my bed! Whyyy me?”

  5. Ohio Man Claims He Found A Living Mouse in McDonald’s Milkshake

    *You know what’s even more disgusting? He found a McDonald’s milkshake in that cup! Yuk!!!
    *Sadly, their Milkshakes have more protein than their double big mac!
    *This has to be a joke! …I mean, McDonald’s had a working milkshake machine!!?? I’ve heard it all!
    *In fairness, the Mouse was wearing a hair net, so…
    *McDonald’s was quick to apologize. They said that the mouse was meant to be in the onion rings..
    *Sadly, the Mouse happened to be the healthiest ingredient ever placed in that cup!

  6. Microsoft is telling people to stop using its legacy Internet Explorer web browser due to security risks
    *People describe this Explorer Purge as, “The Most Exciting Thing You’ll Ever Have to Explain to Your Grandma.”

  7. President Trump’s 2019 physical exam results showed that he is in “very good health,” though he may wish to build a wall in front of the fridge.

  8. In Japan there are places where robotic females can be rented by the half hour. These silicone beauties presumably offer comfort in an increasingly plastic world!

  9. There are over 60,000 kinds of weevils in this world. The only one’s you ever hear about are the Boll Weevils, so that kind of bugs me.

  10. “Same day service guaranteed” is a promise you want to hear from a dry cleaner but not a restaurant. #ValentinesDay2019

  11. Boca Raton literally translates to “rat’s mouth.” This coastal city in Florida is where I met my trophy wife, so, yeah, that’s about right, dudes.

  12. I said to my wife, “I feel bad I haven’t been able to buy you nice gifts like diamonds, furs, and expensive perfume.” She replied, “I told you I prefer the simple things in life. I married you didn’t I.”

  13. Oh yes, Valentine’s Day. The most popular gifts on Valentines day are chocolates and flowers

    …Cuz nothing says I’m totally interested in you like making you fat after killing a plant!

  14. Valentine’s is treated a little differently here in Arizona. Nobody eats chocolate ’cause it’s already melted, so they give each other Burrito-shaped boxes filled with Milanesa. Then, they envision what their ‘Hot Yoga’ instructor would be like if he were straight!

  15. My wife says she, ‘…just doesn’t care,’ about Valentines Day

    *In my life’s experience, you can REALLY tell how much someone CARES about Valentine’s Day by how much they keep telling you they DON’T CARE about Valentine’s Day!

  16. The saddest thing about Valentine’s Day is knowing that some people can’t have the one person they really want, so they end up settling for someone else.

    *But enough about the Democrats, let’s talk about Beto O’Rourke…

  17. Papa Johns Pizza Hut Papa Murphys and more are now offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine’s Day.

    *Pizza is that perfect gift for Gal who has everything, ….except a guy who knows what a woman wants!

  18. I read that Americans spend in upwards of $300 million on pets for Valentine’s Day!

    *Come on people! Your dog doesn’t need a bone shaped like a heart. He’s going to hump your leg and smell your crotch regardless of the gift!

  19. These amazing Fast Food Places offering a romantic Valentine’s Day meal w/tons of free swag!!!

    *It’s a great way to tell your lover, “My stomach is growling, and I really don’t love you that much!”

  20. At select White Castle restaurants you can make a reservation on Valentine’s Day that includes candle light and private dining.
    *Cuz nothing says ‘I love You’ more than sticky table tops and plastic mustard-stained menus than White Castle!!

  21. There’s a strange trend happening right now around the country where couples are telling each other that they do not need to get the other a Valentine’s Day gift because they love and give each and every day. *Sounds innocent and so sweet! But dudes: THIS IS A TRAP!

  22. Donald Trump gave up on getting rallies to chant “Build the Wall,” and switched to “Finish the Wall,” as if he already started it. That’s like a naked guy asking for alterations to the cuffs of the suit he isn’t wearing and doesn’t own.

  23. Donald Trump installs $50k room-size simulated Golf Course inside the White House; the system allows him to play virtual golf at courses around the world!

    *“Fore!” yelled Trump after Kellyanne Conway walked by!

  24. The Berniacs are preemptively attacking Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris for not being Bernie enough. At least they’re consistent.

  25. White Castle, Hooters and Waffle House all offering special Valentine’s Day meals at their fast food restaurants on Thursday.

    *Fast food with your date on that special day! *It’s the perfect way to tell the person you love that you don’t!

  26. Surprised my flower-loving wife today. Walked up to her with my hand behind my back and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, dear–this bud’s for you” and handed her a beer. Nothing says “I love you” like a Budweiser.

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