Add your joke in the comments!
Golden Globes tomorrow night. Kim Kardashian is ineligible for an award. Her globes are too olden.
There is a girl on YouTube who sells her used panties. $35 each is nothing to sniff at. Ladies, there is
cash to be made from Hot Yoga!
At least 3 people killed in shooting at a Los Angeles-area bowling alley, no arrests made.
*Boy, I’d hate to be in the shooter’s shoes!
Woman in vegetative state for more than a decade gives birth–to a baby carrot.
^^Somebody hire this guy for your projects^^ Funny Stuff Gary
Disneyland’s Sleeping Beauty Castle will get a major makeover beginning Jan. 7. Renovations to the park will drive up ticket prices, …again! *Instead of taking the kids to Disney World, this year we are taking them to Carpet World!
A float in the Middletown Hummer’s Parade (Delaware) triggered outrage after a float depicting ‘border detention center w/people in cages,’ made it’s way down the street, FoxNews reports
*At first glance I thought they were highlighting the working conditions of the typical Amazon Warehouse Employee. Little do I know!
When we first met, my wife told me she was into leather…I didn’t understand that she meant shoes. If Sharon
had to choose between me or Jimmy Choo, it would be no contest. He’d be a shoo-in.
Justin Savoie, 23, had a very uncomfortable ride to jail, after police say they found a small handgun in his butt during a cavity search at the Lafourche Parish Detention Center, in Golden Meadow, Louisiana.
*If he would have fired the gun while driving, would it have been Asphalt?
*Fire In the Hole!
*The suspect isn’t saying a word to police. Let’s hope his Butt-Talks.
*Weapon of ass destruction
*A Real Assassin
*He calls the place where he stores his gun… The Butt-Hole-Ster
A Florida man was arrested on Thursday after he threw a pizza at his father because he was mad that his dad helped birth him, deputies said. *Needless to say, the relationship hasn’t panned-out!
*Ironically, there would have been more damage to the father had he just eaten the pizza!
*Trying to keep up with tradition, the Police got to the victim’s house in less than 30 minutes!
My wife is thinking about getting her boobs done. I told her: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
E-cigarette battery causes fire on American Airlines flight.
My E-Cigarette’s battery once went all “Samsung Galaxy Note 7,” on me and ignited in my pocket.
*I have the Cigars to prove it!
6-year-old girl rescued after posting pictures of her dead father online!
…I mean, …that a 6 year old knows how to post pictures on line!
The last woman I met at the bar was a total dog. I mean, she was even wearing a poodle skirt!
90-year-old American cyclist to be stripped of title after failing drugs test. *They asked if he would appeal and his attorney said, “Depends”
Woman arrested for allegedly tying up and gagging man with her panties because he was “talking crap.” She told police he was being a “bad boy” *Police are making a Brief Inquiry…
“So glad The Americans won over The Illegals.”–Donald Trump tweet
California isn’t a bad place to live, if you happen to be an orange…or a millionaire. Maybe both?
A Fredericksburg, VA, man has been arrested after deputies say he fired a gun into a family BBQ pit during a domestic incident Saturday
*No worries, at his next stop he’ll become some inmates ‘Favorite Grill.”
*He will become the, “Grill of his new Cellmate’s Dreams!”
*What a braisin’ act!
Ohio Taco Bell employee fired after being caught on video refusing to serve deaf customer. *Crazy because Taco Bell will serve ANYBODY! …Must be a Bad Sign!
Donald Trump wants to interrupt prime time TV to address the nation about the border wall and government shutdown. *Either way, I’m gonna watch the “Biggest Loser.”
Kevin Spacey Pulled Over for Speeding On Way Home from Court Hearing. * He probably got off with just a little HANDshake.
More Native American Women than any other race, have gone missing in Washington State, Alaska and Montana, statistics say. *Can someone please book Elizabeth Warren a one way ticket to Kelso?
Self-driving Tesla runs over and “kills” robot at Las Vegas electronics show. *Attending the funeral …R2D2, The Energizer Bunny, C3PO and the Terminator!!
*Technical term Robocide
Always remember: if it looks like Kool-Aid and smells like Kool-Aid, it just might be kid’s shampoo.
Elvis Presley would have been 84 today; born in 1935.
*Elvis is one of those singers that gets more popular as time goes by.
…you know, like the opposite of Madonna!
Bryan Cranston defends playing a person with a disability in his upcoming film by saying, “it is an actor’s job to play different people.”
*Perhaps he hasn’t watch a Kevin Hart Film recently!!
Using data from @NASA’s Kepler space telescope, citizen scientists have discovered a planet (known as K2-288Bb) roughly twice the size of Earth. *They think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because we barely have those things here in Arizona!!
Clemson topples Alabama 44-16; Alabama’s defense got steamrolled by Clemson in the national championship game. *I’m soooo surprised with this outcome, considering Alabama had that late season test with The Citadel! …sorry
Fact of the Day: A video game developer snuck a proposal into a game, but his girlfriend refused to play it for years, delaying their eventual marriage. *That’s totally crazy! …I mean, Video Game Developers have girlfriends??
Fact of the Day: Women tell an average of 11 lies a week. Men, 58. *That number for women would be higher, but nobody was listening
Unlikely visitor in hospital building in Anchorage, as a Moose walked in from the near zero temperatures outside to eat some greenery inside the lobby.
*For those in the waiting room that were traumatized, the hospital treated them with Elkaseltzer.
*It’s said that the Moose hoofed it out of there once he saw the price of the Co-Pay!
Dutch astronaut dialed 911 from International Space Station, triggering alert at NASA.
*Wait a second… They have cell service? I can’t even get mine to work and I can SEE the cell tower!
Norwegian Air becomes the first budget airline to offer FREE WiFi for the full duration of long-haul flights.
*Now, you can connect and fly to the promised LAN at the same time!
Mattel announces ‘Barbie’ movie starring Australian actress Margot Robbie. *I hate to be the Stereotype-type, but an Aussie in a film about a BARBIE?
Man, things have REALLY changed. My granddaughter was playing with two Barbie dolls, so I asked whether they were waiting for their husbands to come home. “Nope these girls are married to each other, Grandpa,” she explained. Gosh, it’s Barbie and Kendra!
*Is Joke of the Day a Thing of the Past?
My wife doesn’t think I’m funny. At least she doesn’t heckle me-except in the bedroom.
Is it true the President’s speech is only being broadcast on Comedy Central?
Haha, classic! Bravo GB! (Also, thanks for the up’s earlier)
At every Renaissance Fair I’ve been to jousting was held during the day. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate for knight-time?
I got itchy hemorrhoids and I know Mexico is somehow to blame. #Trumpspeech
Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos and wife filing for divorce. People are already saying that this will be the biggest split in the history of divorce settlements and could drag on for years.
*I don’t know, I mean, …I hear he has a pretty good return policy.
*It was reported that the divorce papers were delivered on the same day using Amazon Prime!
Bezos can easily get the signed documents at an Amazon Prime Locker during business hours!
Needless to say, Bezos just couldn’t deliver!
MacKenzie Bezos could become world’s richest woman following divorce *I sure hope the break up didn’t happen when the papers were served to her via Drone?!!
*Alexa what is half of $180,000,000,000?
*Apparently, MacKenzie was past his #AmazonPrime!
*What’s next for Jeff? Well, I hear his new wife will come with Free Shipping from Eastern Europe!
Woman escaped death when road sign fell and crushed her car. So watch for Falling Rock signs.
I wrecked my Toyota when I ran into a crate of cereal boxes that fell off an oveturned tractor trailer. Sadly, my car was Totaled.
Paris’ First Nude Restaurant to Close Because of a Lack of Customers
*Waiter There’s a pubic Hair in my soup!
*Waiter, there’s Soup in my Pubic Hair!
*Hold on… wait! Where would you keep your credit card?
Maybe if someone told Donald Trump that until the shutdown is over, health inspectors won’t be able to vouch for the safety of his fast food orders…?
Columbian Coffee’s Juan Valdez is dead. He was shot with a golf gun. Don’t know exactly what a golf gun is but one thing’s for sure, it made a hole in Juan.
Jeff Bezos Now Dating News Anchor Lauren Sanchez —Who’s Also Getting Divorced.
*Bezos broke up her marriage and his marriage. This is a rare Amazon two for one deal!
*Is this considered an add-on item?
More than 150 passengers fall ill on cruise that left from Port Canaveral.
*The only good thing about being on this ship is that Somali Pirates REFUSE to get on board!!!
*You know it’s not going well on your cruise when you wake up, look out your little window and see the head chef, cooks and dining staff in lifeboats!
A McIntosh County woman in Oklahoma shared her deer-poaching story of shooting her first deer with a potential lover and game warden on her dating app. She got a court date instead.
*Hey ladies: to get the attention of a handsome outdoorsman with authority only costs one buck!!
*Bagging Tender Game, ruined by Bragging to Tinder Flame
*You can find more amazing listing on your favorite dating app, “PoachersOnly.com”
Man walks into San Francisco McDonald’s with dead raccoon, forces location to close.
*Sadly, the Raccoon was the only REAL meat in the whole restaurant!
*He read the menu wrong. Big Rac Under a Buick is not the same thing as Big Mac under a Buck
*In a strange twist, this wasn’t even a Coon! It, instead, was just a big homeless Bay Area Pussycat that Identified as a Raccoon!
“Chris Brooks, 54, of San Francisco was picking up an Egg McMuffin before work at the McDonald’s when he saw the man gripping the lifeless animal in his arms. Brooks ran to his car to get his phone to take video.”
*This is totally crazy!
…I mean, McDonald’s Customer’s can Run?
Alabama authorities took to social media to warn residents not to eat chicken tenders left on the roadway following a crash.
*Chicken Tenders are being served today on Alabama 35 in Cherokee County near the Georgia line. Wrangle-up your Sister-wife for a choice of three dipping sauces: Peak Long-Life radiator liquid, Mobil single-grade motor oil, and Prestone brake fluid!
Astronomers detect mysterious radio signal coming from faraway galaxy. It’s a distress signal: “I’ve fallen in a black hole and can’t get up.”
Rochester High School Teacher Fired Over Alleged ‘Inappropriate Conduct’ With Multiple Students.
*On the plus side, the two students had perfect attendance!
*She’s demanding authorities re-count all the students she’s had sex with because, “Math is Fun!!!
*This is really scary for parents, but even more alarming was the fact that the students were getting good grades!
I was thinking, that with the epidemic of students getting fatter, teachers wouldn’t even want to touch them. But, somehow this has reversed that notion.
Author Larry Leamer recently stated that President Trump Once Fired Mar-a-Lago Chef Over His Salad. ‘He Just Blew Up!’
That’s just so unbelievable I cannot even fathom it happening!
*…You know, Trump eating a salad!!!
They say “you are what you eat,” so I guess I’m a pussy.
Appearing at the CES 2019 tech show in Las Vegas earlier this week, a company announced that their vibrators can now be controlled by an app that’s compatible with smartphones, Amazon Alexa and Apple Watch devices.
*The Banana said to Alexa: “I’m not sure what you’re shaking for …She’s NOT going to EAT you!”
*Is this ‘Plug & Play?’
*I once bought my girlfriend one of those XXXL Trojan gadgets for her birthday. She dumped me 3 days later and I didn’t even get my battery charger back!
*First hands free sex toy since Richard Gere….
*My wife already has a smart device that can do these things. ….it’s called, “My Credit Card!”
*Yes, but can it mow the lawn, take out the garbage and pay four our daughter’s wedding?
*YOU: “Alexa, turn on the vibrator.” ALEXA: ‘Okay. Playing “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood’
*YOU: “Sir, I’ll take that red one behind the counter
SIR: “Sorry, we have just grey and pink.”
YOU: “No. That one there behind you.
SIR: “I’m sorry, that’s a fire extinguisher!”
Last night my wife said she wanted to get something gross and disgusting off her chest: me!
Good one, Will!
Driver in Utah crashed while trying ‘Bird Box’ challenge. The driver registered a .10—IQ.
Nice! Bollocks to driving blind drunk.
American woman found with a gun after landing in Japan, gets sent back to Atlanta.
*This is deplorable!
…I mean, who in the HELL flies to Japan on Delta?!!
Teacher, 26, ‘had sex with 2 pupils and romped in car as students watched’
*Simple Math: How many times can 16 go into 26?
*Everything was okay, until the students got scolded for improper use of the colon!
*You realize how the teacher got caught? …because the boys nearly died from all the ‘High-Fiving!’ #Exhaustion
Jeff Bezos’ reported girlfriend Lauren Sanchez’s friend ‘shocked’ by reports pair were secretly dating.
*Don’t you hate it when there’s a female in the background who comments on what you say, but doesn’t get the story straight?
..I’m of course talking about Alexa!
Costco now has Has 27-Pound Buckets Of Mac And Cheese For Sale So You’ll Never Run Out.
*Sadly, “Running Out” is the only Exercise these ‘Mac n’ Cheese’ customers would be getting!
The Guardian Newspaper will be the first to use 100% biodegradable paper!
*Wow! That’s sooooo cool! …..what’s a newspaper?!??
*Now they will have Green Paper with their Yellow Journalism!
Texas Cops Use Cardboard Cutouts To Get Speeding Motorists To Slow Down.
*Finally, law enforcement that can’t discriminate or stereotype me!
I know where I stand in the history of comedy. It’s good to be King of the anthill.
I once tried to do comedy during a silent auction. The overall effect was pretty much the same as any other night.
Never ask someone named Col. Sanders to babysit your pet chicken…
L.A. billionaire’s nanny-turned-mistress’ funeral held today after mysterious death.
*Anyone cowardly enough to hurt this nanny needs to grow au pair!
Amazon ‘secretly testing delivery drones’ in the UK countryside.
*You know, …in some countries when you see a ‘drone’ it could mean your neighborhood is about to be bombed. But, In the U.K. this just means you wanted ‘Becoming’ by Michelle Obama, in hard-back!
Pregnant Amy Schumer Has Some Fun at Her OB Appointment — and Shares Baby’s New Ultrasound Photo.
*Just imagine all the vagina jokes she’ll have lined up for us after Netflix gets her on stage for a post birthing comedy special!
Paraplegic United Airlines passenger on the way to honeymoon claims he was forced to scoot down aisle on his bottom; while getting no assistance from Airline staff.
I mean, I can’t even imagine…
……what that honeymoon is gonna be like!
Rats eat Christmas turkey carcasses on Birmingham [England] street where garbage men have not collected the trash in seven weeks after industrial action.
*What a fowl scene!
Explorer and multimillionaire Victor Vescovo just reached the deepest point in the Atlantic Ocean — the bottom of the Puerto Rico Trench.
*The last time a multimillionaire was this deep and wet with a couple Puerto Rican’s, the Putin was recording…
Lil Uzi Vert announces he’s done with music. ‘I deleted everything. I wanna be normal… I wanna wake up in 2013,’ the rapper wrote.
*This is totally, totally crazy! …I mean… He considered THAT music?!!
Elephants have EVOLVED to not grow tusks in Mozambique national park where nearly 90% were slaughtered for ivory.
*Oooooohhh, the Ivory of it all!
(Oh, Dad Jokes… gotz to luv em’)
Hippo stolen (words you don’t often type): a huge bronze ‘nearly’ one-ton hippopotamus has been taken from a garden-ornament business near Tunbridge Wells, England.
*You can help crack the case on the next episode of: Lawn & Hoarder
*What happened to this zoo creature/lawn ornament? Hell if Rhino!
My take? Somebody’s in De Nile!!
Waffle House Employees pour food on drunk customer, film him as they use his body as a puppet.
*This story went from batter to worse!
(Dad joke Alert)
“This ding-dong chose the wrong house”: Man sought by police after getting caught on doorbell camera licking a stranger’s intercom.
*Did he also cup the door nob? …if not, then THERE’S YOUR crime!!
*I wouldn’t believe this if I didn’t see it. …and, I wish I didn’t see it!
A woman in the 1700s gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets in just 40 years with the same man.
*”…with the same man!”
…that you know of!!?? (U know those mid-evil bitches)
What is wrong with these people?
Texas corrections officer accused of having sex with multiple inmates. *She looks like she loves nice long walks to the liquor store and romantic dates to the methadone clinic
Judge resigns after referring to colleague as ‘the little Mexican’: An appeals court judge in Colorado who admitted referring to a fellow jurist as “the little Mexican” has resigned from the bench. Judge Laurie A. Booras has agreed to step down later this month.
*A Judge excuses herself for Judging…
…oh what has this world become??
(Too bad all judges do not act more like Kavanaugh)
Florida man arrested after threatening to “kill ’em with kindness” before attacking neighbors using a machete with “kindness” written on it.
*When Dad Jokes Turn Into Weapons!
The guy has been charged with an illegal use of a pun.
…but do give him credit, as only a few would even take a stab at it!
I was brought up by Mr. and Mrs. Harold Wolf. So I was literally raised by wolves.
Got back at someone who put me down on Twitter. It was tweet revenge.
Woman banned from Walmart after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can.
*This is unacceptable! …I mean, …Everyone knows you can hide wine in a baseball cap from sporting goods! This is deplorable and lazy!!!
Mystery man arrested after being found crawling around storm drains of Michigan town.
*The man actually identifies as a Turtle. Goes by Raphael. *When asked about his new jail cell, he said, “It’s just my Sai’s!”
*Sadly, the water in that drain is cleaner than the water in Flint!
Ohio Woman shows up to court on drug charges with backpack full of drugs; meanwhile, A 6-year-old Ohio boy has been found entering the school on Friday with a handgun.
*They REALLY need to build that wall! …..around Ohio!!!
*Some things like this are so hard to explain! …I mean, …kids in Ohio actually go to school?
Trump on Fox News last night: “I haven’t actually left the White House in months.”
*Can’t wait for Giuliani to go back onto Fox to explain what Trump meant; while leaving us even more confused!!
Humpback whales ‘remix’ the best bits of songs from each other – and the most popular even travel between oceans.
*Beautiful! Sounds like an ORCAstra!
*Which ‘popular’ musical-whale is being ‘remixed’ the most? Moby Dick!
Florida woman arrested after stealing several Rolexes, stashing them in her “vaginal area” and fighting police.
*With her lisp, asking for a ‘Big Clock,’ at the jewelry shop DID seem a bit unusual…
*You think that was impressive, but .. what if I told you that the Asian jeweler’s wrist was still attached??
*Hiding them up there is one thing. Finding someone to wind them on occasion is another…
*She’s the Tock of the town right now!
*The investigator didn’t know if the Rolexes were real or knock-offs. He just hadn’t be in the Loupe.
*Police are looking for the Ring Leader!
*Police knew something fishy was going on!
*All of the vagina and watch puns are getting old! …Sorry if I’m Ovary-Acting!
*She got charged with an accessory to a battery!!
*People keep telling me that a Rolex and Patek Philippe are nearly identical. …But, they’re wrong! There’s a Vas Deferens between them!
Eddie Murphy confirms ‘Coming to America 2’ sequel.
*Before this announcement, if you told me there’d be a laughable event about immigrants trying to get into America, I’d swear you were talking about Trump’s Wall!
Starbucks is exploring installing needle-disposal boxes in the bathrooms of certain stores to provide a safe way of throwing out syringes and other drug paraphernalia.
*Sadly, the drug from the needle is less potent than the one that brought the customer to Starbucks to begin with!
Jeff Bezos’ Girlfriend Lauren Sanchez Has ‘Uncanny Ability to Make People Do Anything’ Says People Magazine.
*Can she get Jeffy to do something about Amazon’s HORRIBLE customer service?
Poll Shows Nearly 55% of People Blame #Trump for the Government Shutdown.
*The other 45% didn’t have a Paycheck, Internet, Cell Service or Power, because of the Government Shutdown, and couldn’t answer the poll!
Anthony Scaramucci joins cast of “Big Brother: Fame Whore Edition”
*A Mooch on Big Brother?
a. The longest river on earth.
b. A legendary bare-breasted warrior.
c. Part of a pretty impressive divorce settlement.
Comedian, actor, writer and filmmaker Louis C.K has been exposed
again, as emails reveal he may have given entrepreneur Sarma
Melngailis an STD.
*Even in these tough times, Louis C.K can still produce a Clap!
*I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time, this guy is eff’n
‘funny!’ (…it’s all in the delivery on that last one)
Emails reveal Louis C.K. may have given Sarma Melngailis an STD.
*A bad case of Comedia!
*Louis C.K. has proved once again that he has best delivery in comedy!
*Louis C.K. puts the STD in STanD up comedy!
Florida surgeon who cut out a woman’s kidney after mistaking it for a tumor, is to pay a fine of $3,000
*Surgeon to patient:
Surgeon: This is your first time Ramon, but it’s gonna be alright.
Patient: But my name is not Ramon.
Surgeon: I know. Ramon is my name.
Japanese Veteran Dies when over 13,000 pounds from his Porn Collection toppled off the shelves and onto his body.
*Looks like he took most of the load!
*You have to see the picture of the mounds of pornography that collapsed. It’s quite a Paper-View!
*Putting the ‘whore’ in Hoarder!
*Did the paramedics rushed up the stairs to help get Jak-off the floor!
*This story is a real tear-jerker!
“Manny Machado is sitting on an eight-year deal from the White Sox, reports say”
*Now, the signing-table is one place he WILL hustle to!!
Nikki Bella had a tough time moving out of John Cena’s house after ending their engagement.
*Fellow Wrestler, Nikki Bella, isn’t very good at moving, but you should see her Box!
President Trump took to Twitter Monday to greet followers in Nashville, Tennessee, and let them know he was excited to see them later in the day.
Only problem? He’s scheduled to go to New Orleans.
*If you see Trump’s Motorcade near the Opry House, please give them the address to the French Quarter!!
People are drinking their own urine in stupid Facebook health craze *After hearing the news, Donald Trump quickly opened a Facebook page!
Gillette takes on toxic masculinity in new controversial ad campaign
Gillette: Social issues are not your ‘thing.’ Masculinity is NOT toxic! It all comes down to how well you Raise-Her! (razor)
Stormy Daniels sues Ohio police over July arrest.
*I’m on Stormy’s side here! She seems to have a pretty good grip of the Penal system!
People Magazine says, senior dogs can suffer from dementia just like people do; find out if your older pup needs help.
*My dog is 16 and knows the difference between New Orleans and Nashville!
‘Bad Boys For Life’ Is Finally Filming, According To Will Smith. *…and if Martin Lawrence gains any more weight, that “Life” might be a few more months!
Donald Trump said earlier Monday he’s planning a smorgasbord of fast food for the Clemson Tiger football team when they visit the White House after their National Championship win last Monday against Alabama.
*People have been ultra-critical of Trump over this fast-food thing. In his defense he did tell the coaching staff that there’d be food at the White Castle, so…
*I’ve changed my mind on #Trump. I think he’s colluding with Cholesterol!
Schoolgirl on period left to bleed through clothes by teachers twice when they refused to issue a hall pass *Those close to the incident say this happened just after second period.
Trump built a snowfort on the West Lawn and promised Mexico would pay for it.
President Trump to serve fast food to Clemson football team during White House visit. Kennedy gave us Camelot, Trump gives us White Castle.
It’s so cold Steve King attended a cross-burning just to keep warm.
A snowstorm has DC blanketed in white. Steve King is delirious.
I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but in the stand-up comedy world I’ve died many on stage countless times.
Today is National Hat Day. White House employees can wear any hat except for a sombrero.
President Trump served fast food to Clemson football team during a White House visit yesterday. Foreign dignitaries will get a more upscale dining experience. The next visit by Italy’s prime minister will be catered by Olive Garden.
My wife and I do some role-playing in the bedroom. I kind of enjoy being the Big Bad Wolf to her Red Riding Hood. Call me old-fashioned, but I still can’t get used to her mom playing the Grandma…
My wife is like one of those Russian dolls. But in reverse. She seems to keep getting bigger and BIGGER every month.
Original! Brilliant! ^^^^^ Jaja Will!!!
Hey, thanks. I love to “meat” women. Sorry, is that too much of a “blanket statement?”
Man self-injects semen into his back to treat pain. Rushed to hospital!
*Reading the doctor’s report on this is crazy! …Just too much information to swallow!
*In fairness, he went to his regular doctor but they weren’t open yet. Guess he came too early!??
*After he was released from the ER, the receptionist said the most rude thing to as he exited the front door… “Thanks for coming!” I mean, what a…..
*LESSON TO BE LEARNED: There’s a Vas Deferens between self diagnosis and a medical professional!
Former Baseball Star, John Wetteland, Arrested On Sickening Child Sex Abuse Charges. *Luckily, he was NOT caught w/one out and one on!
Man Tries To Sneak Boa Constrictor Onto Plane… By Hiding It In His Pants.
*The snake was immediately captured, and returned to it’s position of CEO at United Airlines!
*It’s now being reported that after the snake was discovered, the man threw a hissy fit!
*There are many ways to sneak a snake on a plane, but I’m not going to rattle them off.
*In fairness, the Germany-bound passenger wasn’t being untruthful when they asked about the snake, instead….told them that his pants didn’t have any mice.
*A snake found in the passenger’s crotch area of his pants? Now that’s what you call Ereptile Dysfunction!
*The snake was immediately released back to the wild, where it then returned to its position as COO of NBC News!
BREAKING Legendary Broadway actress and Hello, Dolly star Carol Channing dies.
*All of Carol’s closest friends will be at her funeral. Pallbearers are a bit too old to carry her casket; they may just use a Dolly.
Sears Holdings could escape its brush with annihilation after the retailer’s chairman and largest investor prevailed in an auction for a shrunken version of the company. *Insiders say that if Sears could stay afloat long enough just to go bankrupt one more time, it could become president!!
Guy’s friend films, as married couple in England are caught performing oral sex as her husband drives down the highway.
*Oh, I can’t wait to hear the SAAB story when they are arraigned!!
*The car didn’t like it when they hit a speed bump while driving nearly 100mph. Eff’n Hertz!!
*They were driving to the licker-store.
*This isn’t safe! …one slip of the tongue and you’re in deep doo-doo!
Man stabbed 13 times by his girlfriend PROPOSES to her in Russian court as she is about to be sentenced for nearly killing him.
*He was going to give her a ring, but there were already two around her ankles!
*Putting the CON in Conjugal
*Life imitating art. Real Life Grand Theft Auto!
Bob Costas leaving NBC after 40 years. He’s so old the first Olympics he hosted was in Greece and the athletes competed naked.
It was 21 years ago that Monica Lewinsky was grilled by the FBI over her affair with Bill Clinton. Now when she kneels her knees creak.
American Airlines passenger claiming flight attendant punched him in the head, caused brain injury. *American Airlines: Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have turned to our customers!
I’m afraid I may be regressing. When we had dinner at Red Lobster, my favorite part was when the waitress tied a bib around my neck.
My “favorite” part is when your waitress (who has avoided your table for the duration of the meal) comes to your table with the bill and a big smile and asks if you ‘need anything,’ as if she’s been there for you during this journey for the whole evening! This “act” probably earns her 30% extra each night, but not for this guy!
By “Favorite” I mean HATEFUL
Trump’s newest negotiation tactic: “Would you like fries with that?”
At the State of the Union Trump will treat Congress to lots of Whoppers.
Mötley Crüe star Nikki Sixx is expecting his fifth child
*This is great timing. Nikki will be going into diapers, just when his baby comes out of them!!
The white house reached out to Betty White to wish her a happy 96th birthday (reported).
…Let’s just hope they didn’t send a gift of Fast Food!
Betty White is so old she remembers when Dairy Queen was just a young Princess!
This one is for Will the Thrill:
Two words you never hear in a locker room?
A. Nice Dick
(That was an original that I would do on stage in the mid 80’s as a lead off joke to break the ice -and- used to be relevant; but the world has changed. So much so, that some who read the above cringed; others didn’t care either way; others totally offended and would try to get me fired from my job, while trying to push my wife into divorcing me, et al. Ironically, in today’s world, hearing, “Nice Dick” probably happens a lot and therefore probably not even funny at all. I grant you to take it and change the punchline to fit in today’s world; could work exceptionally well in your neck of the woods… ie bay area) -Meat
Hey, check out my Richard! He’s a Longfellow, eh?
Mammoth storm hammers west coast bringing pileups, mudslides and flash floods. *It’s raining like hell in California right now, but at least those mudslides will put out the fires!
Iran says it will be ready for new satellite launch in a few months after this week’s ‘failed’ satellite launch.
*Authorities say they may never know what happened to the remains of the satellite that crashed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.
What’s the big deal about Federal workers being forced to work for no pay? I’ve been doing this at Comedy Club Open Mikes for 20 years?
Nancy Pelosi is urging Donald Trump to delay his State of the Union Address. She forgot she had an appointment that day for a botox treatment.
The Big Question in Washington seems to be “Where’s Wall Dough?”
To fix the chinks, Gary, there will be a need for a “mortar patrol.”
The federal government shutdown is really getting bad. I saw a bureaucrat sitting on the sidewalk with a sign that said “Will regulate for food.”
Good one, Terry!
Females are also known as Sirens, which makes sense since so many like to “cop” an attitude.
If I do the “Bird Box” challenge, how can I see to locate the Tide pods?
Hotel dishwasher awarded $21 million after boss made her work on Sundays. She really cleaned up.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez channeled the Spice Girls in government shutdown tweets. She also criticized Donald Trump– aka “Old Spice.”
‘Idiot’ is banned from Royal Caribbean cruise ships for life and left to make his own way home after jumping 120ft from the 11th floor balcony in the Bahamas *Holy! Passengers were going to extreme lengths to avoid that Norovirus!!!
Kim Kardashian announced she’s having a fourth baby via surrogate.
*Baby showers are different in L.A. …the child gets gifts from the stepfather, biological father and surrogate father!
Maybe I ought to “let it go,” and be more of a Disney fan, but I have grown tired of my wife acting out “Frozen” every night in our bedroom.
Now that’s eff’n awesome! haha Will! #TheBeast (Will Da Beast) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Will: Here’s your goose feather comforter to warm you up, dear.
Jill: There you go again, you’re bringing me down, Will.
I took the Polar Bear Plunge. I’m not one to shrink from a challenge. Oh wait. . .
‘Perdue foods’ recalls Chicken Nuggets after people find wood in them. *This explains why competitor ‘Banquet’ changed their slogan to: “Perdue foods recalls Chicken Nuggets after people find wood in them”
Orthodox Christians plunge into icy water for Epiphany celebration in Russia as brutal winter temperatures hit -40C. *It was so cold that the clergymen holding the event had to put their hands in their own pockets!
#GladysKnight (74) is set to sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl LIII (52nd).
Gladys was 23 years old when the NFL had their first Super Bowl.
*Back then, a wardrobe malfunction was when the mic cord got tangled in one of The Pips’ bell bottoms!
Boo The Pomeranian ‘World’s Cutest Dog’ Dies
Strippers in Ohio can’t touch customers unless they’re relatives.
*Which, in Ohio, is every third patron.
‘Perdue foods’ recalls Chicken Nuggets after people find wood in them.
*This explains why competitor ‘Banquet’ changed their slogan to: “Perdue foods recalls Chicken Nuggets after people find wood in them”
*It’s a sad day when the items added to the Nuggets improve it’s nutritional value
A cop by the name of, Rob Banks, has caused a social media frenzy after TV viewers clocked his amusing name during a news segment. *Officers Lou Tennant, Don Uts, Oliver Klozeoff and Captain Morgan all said a collective, “Finally!” When they saw the video
My wife loves snow. Not too surprising, since she’s such a freaking flake.
Emotional support alligator visited a PA senior living facility. Emotional support didn’t last long as seniors realized the gator had better skin than they did.
Told my wife she could participate in the Women’s March by marching to the kitchen and making me a sandwich.
A 101-year-old woman brought down two deer with a single shot. That’s nothing. My elderly uncle bought prune juice at Wal-Mart when he picked up his Lipitor medication, thus killing two birds with one stone.
Women are planning another march in Washington D.C., and I wonder if they’ll be sporting the pink pussy hats again. Maybe men attending could consider wearing a cod piece?
Jimmy Buffett just sang the national anthem at the Saints~Rams game like he, “…just stepped on a pop top.”
Life is hard, until you reach a certain age, and then it’s soft and THAT’S hard.
Teens arrested for shooting pedestrian in face, chest with paintball gun. The man nearly dyed.
Now that’s funny ^^^
Flights cancelled and ice warnings as snow falls across UK. *Does this mean I can now FINALLY fly my drone at the airport?
Darren McFadden was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving when he fell asleep in the drive-through lane of a Whataburger.
*In typical McFadden fashion, he injured himself while falling asleep (somehow)
KFC Announces A Scented Candle That Smells Just Like Their Gravy. *Even more amazing is the fact that it also has better nutritional value!
President Trump paid a surprise visit to the MLK Memorial Monday. The president said he thought there would be cookies.
Sometimes I think that I might be more capable…if I wore a cape.
Rudy Giuliani is Trump’s designated shit- stirrer. Normally the problem with that job is you end up with a lot on you. But for Rudy, it just means he’s wearing his next meal.
I’m no super hero, but I can still make a WOMAN WONDER why I get their names backwards.
South Carolina sees a spike in newly diagnosed Chlamydia cases. In South Carolina Chlamydia is an STD–Sibling Transmitted Disease.
Those referees in the Saints-Rams game picked a strange time to do the Bird Box challenge.
My wife saw a clip of stand-up comedy I performed in Ann Arbor. “Can’t you see you see that you’re making a fool of yourself?” she demanded. “Those college kids are laughing at you, Will.” Kind of the point, eh?
I hate arguing with my wife Sharon because she never plays fair. I mean, “Rock, Paper, Shotgun,” really?
Hey, don’t tell me I’m an old dude telling stale jokes. I prefer to see myself as a “seer channeling the ancients.”
Cannabis dispensary seeks to open near Kiwi Preschool and Day Care in Santa Rosa, CA. The name may soon have to be changed to Kiwi Preschool and Day Care Less.
Back before Kiwis went extinct they were sometimes in trouble with the law, but they always made bail, because they weren’t a flight risk.
I think you got your birds mixed up – Kiwis are not extinct. You may be thinking of the Moa, which was hunted to extinction. Cheers.
So, All This Time I’ve been feeling sorry for the Kiwi on my shoe polish tin? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess I was thinking Dodo. Don’t you have a brother, Bill?
Amazon is testing autonomous robots to deliver packages. Delivery is free if you subscribe to Amazon Optimus Prime.
“Cute!” he droned.
I think my wife is losing it. This morning she was dithering on about opening a shelter for battered…fish. Curse you, Long John Silver!
Family removed from plane after fellow passengers allegedly complained about body odor. Family disagreed with airline’s decision and put up quite a stink.
Ann Coulter says Trump is “biggest wimp” to serve as president after shutdown ends without wall funding. Trump should be a man just like her.
Bernie Sanders, 77, set to announce 2020 presidential run. At his age it’s more like a shuffle.
Since Bernie won’t ever be President, maybe we ought to confer an honorary title, like maybe “Colonel?”
Gold Medal flour recalled for potential presence of salmonella. It has now been downgraded to Bronze Medal flour. General Mills spokesman said contamination may have occurred during second sift.
After we got married my wife told me she wanted to give me a “head’s up,” and explained that oral sex was now a thing of the past.
Are we sure it’s botox injections and not steroids that Nancy Pelosi has received the way she strong-armed Trump?
A pizza chain opened in Vietnam in 2010. Now there are pizza restaurants throughout Southeast Asia. I guess this proves the Domino’s Theory.
I took a Looney Toons quiz on the Internet the other day. Fifty questions about the Trump Administration.
My wife fakes it in bed. Every night she pretends to be asleep!
An ingredient in chocolate may provide relief from constant coughing. I can testify it works. I ate a dozen Hershey bars and went into a diabetic coma.
People are now glittering their dogs’ testicles. As an added bonus they are also glittering their pooches tongues.
At strip clubs, (so I’ve heard), all that glitters are gold-diggers.
Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz considering 2020 presidential run. A billionaire businessman with no political experience–what could possibly go wrong?
Sounds like a brew haha to me.
Living with my wife is like experiencing a thrill ride: fun at first, but then mostly a long, downhill slide. And that’s not even counting her twisted mothers’ mad machinations…
Canadian man is caught carrying 5,000 live leeches in his luggage at Toronto airport. Ironically, he is now going to need a blood-sucking lawyer.
Probably a “Type A” personality as well.
It’s so cold in Michigan today that even the jalapeno peppers are chili…
LOL, Will! Really enjoy your witty posts!
Love your material, girl. I mean Gary.
It’s so cold Robert Mueller is investigating whether Al Roker colluded with Siberia.
Wind chills are in the news…big deal. Zero has been happening in our bedroom for years.
It’s so cold my horse is hung like a man.
Last night it was so cold that my wife was hard to locate in our frozen bed. I did locate her after several minutes, and the “witch hunt” was over.
Trump Wants To Know Where Hillary’s Indictment Is After Roger Stone’s Arrest. *It’s so cold in Washington, Roger Stone’s tears were freezing before CNN could film them falling!
A new storm system will arrive in California this weekend with heavy rain and mountain snow. It may also bring wintry weather to parts of the upper Midwest early next week. *Finally, ….that extra two layers of fat American’s have …can come in handy!!!
Crazy weather all across the upper states. *The Arctic Blast is so cold that Chicago Police are tasering themselves …just to stay warm!!
Chicago, Detroit, and Fargo will be colder than Antarctica this week; 250 million in USA will see freezing temperatures. *It’s so cold in Detroit, the cops don’t even need to yell freeze!!
New Poll Says 63% of Americans Think Country is On ‘Wrong Track’. *Those numbers would be higher but the other 37% were too busy …fat-shaming the grocery checkout girl; hacking your online bank account; texting while driving; and grabbing the receptionists ass, …to fill out the survey!
OK, Mother Nature! All this below zero stuff is hitting below the belt! My icicle has snowballs!
Amy Schumer’s Baby Shower Features ‘Horrifying’ Vagina Cake. *Okay, I’ll admit… it wasn’t a vagina, …but, it WAS shaped like senator-cousin Chuck Schumer!
The Rams are sending male cheerleaders to the Super Bowl for the first time in NFL history.
*Just when you thought KNEELING during the anthem couldn’t get any more offensive!
RATIONAL GEOGRAHPIC: When I was young I wanted to live on my own private island. Now I’m old and incontinent.
Last night I ordered a Grasshopper at the bar. For some reason all the ladies avoided me like the plague.
This is gold Will! ^^^^
Thanks! My wife says I should take my comedy on the road, preferably on foot, at night, wearing all black.
It was so cold today in Washington that John Bolton’s notebook read: “Afghanistan, Earmuffs, 5,000 Troops to Colombia, Put Gloves On You Dummy!”
More than 40% of the nation is covered with snow. Record low temperatures across the upper states w/windchill factors from 0 to -50.
*On the positive side, we are just one good ice storm away from getting out of that Super Bowl Party with the in-laws!
In his earlier years, Super Man was a kleptomaniac. Back then he was known as the “Man of Steal.”
Cold weather across the upper states continue as the #ArcticFreeze drops temps to sub freezing levels. Even D.C. has been hit with lows expected to reach 14 degrees.
**I don’t want to be that ‘guy’ but here in Arizona, 14 degrees is the setting on our poolside Tiki Lawn Chairs!
OUCH, that was cold. If I had 14 degrees me would be preety smart…
House Democrats fund the wall! Not that wall. This one’s around Mar-a-Lago to protect America from ”Only The Best People.”
Saturday is Groundhog Day. If Trump sees his shadow there’ll be six more weeks of the Mueller investigation.
In China it’s the Year of the Pig. In the USA it’s the Administration of the Pig.
Man, 29, has a toothpick removed from his HEART after ‘swallowing it by accident while drinking alcohol’. *When reached for a comment, the 29 year old said, “It hurts, But Olive.”
The oldest person alive (129) passed away today while giving her daily prayers. *She claimed her biggest regret in life was not making that call at the end of the Saints ~ Rams game!
My daughter says she isn’t promiscuous, she’s just taking her brand public.
Quinton Peron and Napoleon Jinnies will become the first male cheerleaders ever to perform at the Super Bowl. *As a right-winged male that has a tendency to be a smart ass, I’m okay with this! …as long as I do not hear, “Gimme a D!” …That could be my breaking point!
Little Known Historical Fact: Jefferson Davis’ senior class voted him: “Most Likely to Secede.”
Sharon was married before, so as a car salesman I sometimes slip and up and call her “my used wife.” She hates that. Maybe I could try “previously owned?”
Today is #GroundhogDay2019 and tomorrow is the #SuperBowl. I’m so very excited!
*This morning I waited for the Groundhog to appear, I popped him on the head, buttered him up, stuffed ’em and threw him in the over on Med Temp for tomorrow’s big feast!
*This just in: Donald Trump has just appointed the groundhog to a special committee on climate change!
*It’s a day where six more weeks of weather are predicted by a Rodent. Phil has been guessing the weather since 1887 and has been wrong 61% of the time …Yet, this is still front-page news. So I guess fake news isn’t a recent phenomenon.
*Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow, and was immediately captured and detained for extreme vetting. Things have changed since last year, Phil.
I love February because it contains two of my favorite events: Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address. *One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. ..The other involves a groundhog.
It’s official – PA’s most famous groundhog is predicting an early spring. This is only the 19th time an early spring has been predicted in the 133-year history of Groundhog Day. *You’d think with technology they’d update Groundhog Day just little. Maybe have Phil stay down in his hole and just tweet out his prediction??
*In all honesty, Phil came out of his burrow and didn’t even look at his shadow! He instead made a beeline for Canada!!!
Today is Groundhogs Day, tomorrow is the Superbowl. The fact is… Phil peeped out of his hole and just starred at the ground. He thought it would be more exciting than watching TV all day, getting into the game, just to have the officials ruin it in the last 90 seconds!!
Today is Groundhog Day. Kellyanne Conway popped out of Trump’s hole, saw her shadow, and now we’ll have six more weeks of overreaction.
Just one more day until Super Bowl LII.
*Which means that we’re just one day away from finding out whether downtown Boston will be torched to the ground by a cold happy mob or a cold angry mob!
How come people always say: “It’s a great day to be alive!” But no one ever says: “It’s a great day to be…dead!”
Trendy as ever, my wife and I plan to have a Super Bowl on Sunday…at Waterford Lanes.
I wish you lived in Ann Arbor! Semi-live on stage every Wednesday…
When I was a young comedian I saw you in San Francisco at a club. I didn’t perform that night, but was a spectator. Had to have been 25-30 years ago.
Sounds about right…broke up with a girlfriend over comedy around that time. I left my tart in San Francisco.
#CardiB says she turned down the Super Bowl halftime show to “stand behind” #Kaepernick.
*The Patriots are upset because now …it means they’ll be the most hated group on the field!
Donald Trump will sit down to do a pre Super Bowl interview on #CBS after skipping the traditional speaking session last year.
*Trump’s camp had reservations, as they feared he wouldn’t pass the #NFL’s Concussion Protocal!!
Concussion is right! My wife knows all about deflate-gate on a VERY personal level.
Bill Maher is under fire for a tasteless fried chicken joke. Count me as one of those offended–I love Popeyes.
The world’s longest flight is from Newark to Singapore, approximately 19 hours. Actually, the longest flight is any with a crying child aboard.
A new species of caveman-like creatures has been discovered living in the nuclear accident wasteland site. They’ve dubbed this humanoid the Chernobyl Savage.
Happy Birthday to Facebook who turns 15 tomorrow (Monday).
*Just like all other birthdays, it took Facebook to remind me!
Facebook is celebrating their 15th birthday.
*It’s hard to believe that it’s only been 15 years!
….Since I learned to HATE every single friend that I thought I had!
As a young man I dreamed of Living Large. Ferraris, Mansions, maybe a Super Model. Now, glancing over at my wife, I realize that I’m Living WITH Large…
Facebook is 15!
*Facebook will celebrate it’s birthday just like all other 15 year old’s
…by locking themselves in their mom’s basement to binge-watch #Netflix why Snapping #DickPics!
Valentines Day is in a week and a half away. Do you realize that Chocolate comes from the cocoa beans of the cacao tree?
*Because of this, I consider myself a vegetarian!
If diamonds are really a girl’s best friend, it explains a lot about why some bitches are so hard…
A 79 year old man, has attended every Super Bowl since 1967. That’s 53 straight with today’s game in Atlanta.
…But enough about Tom Brady!
Facebook and L.A.’s own Oscar De La Hoya celebrate birthdays tomorrow (Mon, Feb 4). Los Angeles and Facebook are a lot alike.
*Both used to be cool to hang out at years ago, with all your fake friends…
Tomorrow is Facebook’s 15th Birthday.
*I really don’t care, I just wanted to give out some of their personal information!
Florida man tells deputy he was speeding because he was “thirsty” for a Pepsi.
*Ironically, but not surprisingly, his blood tested positive for Coke!
Today is the Super Bowl.
*It’s a lot like the Grammy’s except the viewers are mostly straight!
The Lead Super Bowl Referee is 54 year old John Parry
*So, if you picked Parry in your ‘Office Ref-Pool’ put down the remote, pick up the cell, and call Gambler’s Anonymous! …You have a problem!
Trump, who once owned his own pro football team in the USFL, wouldn’t allow his son to play ‘such a dangerous sport’ of Football because concussions can lead to— emotional instability, confusion, impulsive behavior, et al.. *Basically they turn you into Donald Trump!
Today is the #SuperBowl. Trump tried stealing headlines by badmouthing the Sport for it’s violence. I think the #NFL is giving us everything #Trump hates all in one game: #Kaepernick Kneelers, Black Singers, Concussions.. #Pelosi is the lead ref, Omarosa the halftime show…
Watching the Super Bowl to see new advertisements is like marrying a woman to see how bitchy she gets every month.
Tom Brady won his 6th Super Bowl yesterday.
That’s 9 titles if you adjust for inflation!
I used to go camping and use an old wrinkled sleeping bag. Now I share a bed with one…
President Trump watched the Super Bowl from his private apartment at Mar-a-Lago, but was a little disappointed with the outcome. He was rooting for Tom Brady’s wife to have a wardrobe malfunction.
Not many people know this, but the sloppy joe brand called “Manwich” was almost named “Warlock,” but it was considered too occult for a family food product.
This is only a test. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Or it might be a bug.
Just wan’t to see if it would reset at 320.
Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her 67th anniversary as British monarch. Speaking of spending a long time on the throne, I ate at Taco Bell last night.
Bubble wrap helped save a construction worker who fell 30 feet. He’s especially grateful the bubble wrap protected his package.
Supermodel, Tyra Banks, is in talks to open a Modeling Museum and theme park called, Model Land
*The lines will be ridiculous! …I’m of course talking about Cocaine
*They hand you a barf bag NOT for the rides, but for the after-meal purge!
Yesterday at the parade, The Gronk continued his post Super Bowl party by downing a whole bottle of Vodka.
*…Someone needed to get the GronkHouseKey and get him home! (Dave Vincent)
My wife is dependent and addicted to her cellphone. These truths are selfie evident.
My ex is so repulsive that when she’s in the water the lifeguard warns the sharks.
Well, my ex had this strange fetish
…where she would dress up like herself and act like a B*tch all the eff’n time!
Trump. Why, America? We know we’re screwed. So, open a beer, and let the healing begin…
Bees are able to grasp basic mathematical ideas, according to a new study, which suggests a small brain may not mean low intelligence.
*I knew they were good at Spelling, …but math?
Scientists look for owner of USB drive found in leopard seal’s poop
*Those leopard Seals are aggressive, He ate that USB drive in just one Byte!
The annual Harris Poll reputation quotient made a list of the best and—and worst—extremely visible companies of 2018 and United Airlines was voted ‘worst airline in the United States.”
*United executives were happy, however, to have placed higher in the world-wide-history polls than Malaysia Flight 370, that fictional plane from the TV Series Lost and the Lockheed Model 10-E Amelia Erhart crammed into the Pacific!
My wife wants me to be more religious. “Yeah, in the bedroom why can’t you just be a freaking celibate monk?”
Two Florida men has been accused of smearing feces inside the restroom and sauna of a Crunch Fitness gym. *The two guys who did this disgusting act have selfish steam issues!
The biggest problem with the “Golden Years” is that by the time you reach this period, your life is more of a question mark.
Just like a Lamborghini Veneno Coupe my wife has a cold-start sequence…
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