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— 320 Comments

  1. President Trump was invited to former President George H. W. Bush’s funeral but may not be able to attend. If you remember in his inauguration speech he said: Read my lips. No new tuxes.

  2. Trump keeps calling the Mueller investigation a “phony witch hunt.” If it’s phony, it’s not real. That means Trump believes the investigation isn’t really a witch hunt. Hmmm….

  3. Police were called to a NH hotel after someone reported that a nude man was knocking on a guest’s door. He was just trying to deliver some bags.

  4. Its obvious Trump is going to say that he is not connected to, and knew nothing about the corruption rampaging through his administration. He’ll play the incompetence card. And you know what, everyone will buy it.

  5. The damned Carolers have started coming to our house every night to spread their Holiday Cheer. I’m telling you, it is too much of a good sing!

  6. Man arrested for masturbating and simultaneously attempting to penetrate his anus with the handle of a toilet bowl scrubber. It wasn’t his first brush with the law.

  7. Ken Berry, who played bumbling Lieutenant Parmenter on “F Troop,” has died. Too bad. I think he was next up to lead be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

  8. Heather Nauert, a former Fox News personality, might be the country’s next ambassador to the U.N. She thinks D-Day was evidence of strong relations between the U.S. and Germany. Let’s hope she doesn’t try for good relations with Russia or China.

  9. Donald Trump will handle the coin toss at today’s Army-Navy game. He will use the same coin he flips to make policy decisions.

  10. Forget about that 4G Network Technology. Let me tell you confused males about 3T Female Reality: Temper, Tits and Tampons.

  11. More big staffing changes at the White House. I wonder how long before they rename it Altamont and hire the Hell’s Angels.

  12. Woman claims she’s had sex with 20 ghosts. I think she’s had too many spirits. Sadly, sex is all they wanted–she could see right through them.

  13. A woman who married the ghost of a pirate has revealed she has split from her 300-year-old husband. They Arrrgued constantly. A court will determine who gets the ship, buried treasure, and custody of a 250-year-old parrot.

  14. The holidays are tough these days. My wife decorated our tree while listening to a podcast discussing the various Trump scandals. We now have a Christmas tree that looks like Michael Cohen.

  15. Fact of the Day: There’s a unincorporated town in the southeastern arm of Trinity Bay, Newfoundland, named Dildo. *I asked my wife if she wanted to do an exotic “visit” to Dildo, but she just couldn’t come…

    • Fact of the Day: A woman trying to commit suicide from the Eiffel Tower, landed on a car and later married the owner of the car.

      *Her Story (if made into a Movie): “Paris: Eiffel in Louvre, Not in Seine”

      • *The last time a scientist assaulted someone, was when the professor threw sodium and chloride at a table!

        *I guess walking up to random babes at the solarium and asking them if they “…are made up of dark matter,” was innocent. But, adding the, ‘…want a little more,’ …was just over the line!!!

        *People are so sensitive! Asking to send a probe into a wormhole is just business talk!!

        *And I thought this whole time when he said he was looking for ‘Black Holes’ he was talking about outer space!!!

  16. Awkward Interview for Egyptian actress Rania Youssef, as she was questioned by prosecutors for four hours about the dress she wore at a Film Festival.

    *She did say that the questioning wasn’t as awkward as being interviewed by Triumph the Insult Dog!

  17. Surveillance video shows the dramatic moment an elderly woman was nearly run over by a man who stole her purse at a McDonald’s in Florida.

    **The driver was arrested on Saturday and charged with assault, robbery, grand theft and one account of impersonating the Hamburgler!

  18. Florida Uber Eats customer finds soiled underpants in food order. He had ordered fruit salad and instead got Fruit of the Loom. Understandably, he gave Uber a negative review for crappy service.

  19. Egyptian authorities say they are investigating a crime against public morality after a Danish photographer posted a picture of himself appearing to have sex with his girlfriend on top of a Pyramid

    *I was okay with it until I saw the footage from their spread at The Sphincts!

    *After completion, they both smoked a ziggurat

    *Oh come on, don’t be so uptight. He was just archiving the release of her Pharaoh-Moans!

  20. Kathie Lee Gifford on exiting the #TodayShow: “I stayed year after year making a million memories with people I will never forget. I leave Today with a grateful heart but I’m truly excited for this new creative season in my life”

    *I wonder who will Philbin?

  21. Donald Trump keeps calling the Mueller investigation “a witch- hunt.” It’s not a witch- hunt, but a bitch- hunt. And POTUS 45 should prepare to be found out as a little one and righteously slapped.

  22. Shaun Weiss, better known for his roles in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and The Mighty Ducks (Goalie) was arrested at a L.A. #RiteAid for trying to steal $200 worth of goods

    This is just insane!
    …I mean WHO tries to steal from THAT Rite Aid? They’ve got hella security there!

  23. Stephen Curry said he has doubts about the Moon Landing. Steph, there’s been more walking on the moon than what’s callled in the NBA.

  24. Report: 50% of women are discriminated in the workplace.
    *That number would be higher, but the other half couldn’t answer the survey because they were locked in their Boss’ answering questions about ‘How Bad They Wanted THAT Promotion”

  25. An early morning earthquake struck east Tennessee. Several people reported that it was strong enough to make their tooth chatter.

  26. Officials in Florida are saying that thousands of ballots were not counted as they were delivered to the election offices after their deadline.

    **You thought that was strange, …as it turned out, 90% had Al Gore’s name circled!

  27. Stockholders have had a bad few months as Verizon loses $4.6 Billion on their acquisitions of Yahoo and AOL.
    *Verizon heads are optimistic, however, as they plan on buying former tech giants Napster and MySpace, to recoup soured funds!

  28. Our favorite sausage, Jimmy Dean, has a recall in affect, as some of their product contains fragments of metal!

    Do you think we need to change the slogan… “Jimmy Dean Sausage, It’s a Steel!” ??

  29. 1 in 4 people in America are affected by Cyber Crimes

    ***The other three would have been affected, but they were too busy chasing a Porch Pirate down the street …causing them to miss out on that sweet sweet online time…

  30. Judge gives Michael Cohen, the President’s former personal attorney, three years in prison for campaign finance violations, tax evasion and lying to Congress. Unfortunately, that was the popular vote. If he’d won the Electoral College he’d be the new White House chief of staff.

  31. Eleven-year-old Joshua Trump, no relation to the president, is changing his name after being cursed at and called a stupid idiot by his classmates. His parents were desperate, it was either change his name or move to West Virginia.

    • Naked Colorado driver and his passenger were taken to the hospital after crashing into an apartment complex while driving naked.

      ********Driver was cited for reckless driving, lewd behavior in a vehicle and driving with a ‘not so’ concealed weapon!
      *******When news stations reached out to the driver he said he is, “…doing fine, is going to take some time off to heal from the injuries…,” and looks forward to “Beating the Case!”
      ******The female passenger has to be embarrassed. I mean, all she was asked to do was ‘go for a spin.’
      *****In the defense of the driver, he thought he was pulling into #JiffyLube
      ****They were going to use the Jaws of Life, not on the vehicle, but on his passenger’s mouth!
      ****Seems that Weed isn’t the only thing in Denver that you shouldn’t wrap your lips around while driving!
      ***Where does he keep his driver’s license?
      **No seat belts? In today’s world, who drives naked without Protection?
      *Now this is a perfect case of a Car Jacking gone wrong!

  32. Dad, 40, left paralyzed after chicken curry triggers rare immune disorder.

    **I believe it!! I once ate some foods at an Indian restaurant. The Curry there was so spicy it put me in a korma!

  33. Jimmy Dean recalled ready-to-eat sausage links because they may have pieces of metal inside. It’s never good when links clink.

  34. Two separate groups of Central American migrants marched to the U.S. Consulate in Tijuana, demanding that President Trump let them into the country or pay them $50,000 each to go home, reports say
    **Why don’t we hand ‘those making demands and the rest of the #caravanamigrantes’ a hammer and nails and get them to build the wall?

  35. The inventor of the Word Processor, Evelyn Berezin, has passed. She was 93.

    **She will be laid to rest after being pasted onto a clipboard, indented three spaces from left margin (six arrow keys down) and inserted into the center column

  36. Delta is banning emotional support animals on flights longer than 8 hours *This is really great news. I for one, found it hard to have my Chicken Cordon Bleu while sitting next to a support parakeet

  37. Married prison guard who had sex with female inmate on washing machine is jailed
    *Usually you can’t have sex on a washing machine without getting too agitated!
    *So, he was proven “Quilty”
    *Fellow officers knew something wasn’t right. Those Washing Machines NEVER shook during the spin cycle!
    *Officials knew something was happening after they cleaned out the lint filter!

  38. Sesame Street has introduced a homeless character named Lily to mitigate the impact of the trauma for young children without a permanent place to live.

    *If Lily were mitigating the ‘supposed’ trauma of not knowing where to live, then what did Oscar The Grouch mitigate?

    *Knowing that you’d someday have to blow a guy behind a dumpster for cash to support your habit?

    Thank you Sesame Street!

  39. Jerry Seinfeld says the Oscars lost in the Kevin Hart controversy. *There are more people complaining about who should host the #Oscars than actually watch! Thank you #Media for doing what you do best: Build Up, Tear Down, Repeat!

  40. 50 Cent says that Nicki Minaj and her new BFF, “…are not moving too fast,” as media outlets have reported. *”Not moving fast” isn’t really the best thing you can about the girlfriend of a guy who is a convicted rapist!

  41. Fact of the Day: When men listen to women’s voices, it activates the same part of the brain that processes the sound of music. *This explains why, each time my wife asks me to clean the gutters I instead put my headphones on and act like I’m rock’n out to Brad Paisley

  42. Fact of the Day: According to its Latin roots, the word “secretary” basically means “keeper of secrets.” *That’s what I thought too until she spilled the beans at the Christmas Party!!!

  43. Goodyear Shuts Down Venezuela Factory and Gives Workers 10 Tires Each as Part of Their Severance. *Not sure if this story should be classified in the Inflation or Deflation, circular bin, but does this make the workers, “Retired??” (…I’ll show myself the door. I know the way out. Been here before. No hands!!)

  44. Upcoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi follows Mike Pence in Presidential Succession. That means she’s only TWO chicken bones away from the Presidency. And Donald Trump does not look like a picky eater. And Pence could contract Dutch Elm Disease like THAT.

  45. Human heart left on a Southwest plane by accident delays travelers.

    *At first, I FEARED that it could’ve belonged to Joy Behar, but then I realized the article said it was ‘human’…

  46. Most Americans Still Rate Their Healthcare Quite Positively; with 78% of low income families stating their mental health is good

    *The other 22% were trying to fill out the survey using a carrot stick and cotton candy

  47. Chris Christie bows out of the chief of staff discussion.

    *Can you REALLY ‘bow out’ of a discussion ‘you started’ but that nobody except you were discussing? If that’s the case, I’m going to say right now that I ‘bow out of hosting the Oscars!’

  48. An armored truck rained money onto a New Jersey highway, scattering cash across several lanes of traffic. It’s Raining Men–Franklin, Grant, and Jackson.

  49. Santa Claus could get a gender neutral rebrand as part of effort to ‘modernise’ Christmas.

    *Next on the hit list to be gender-neutered: Father Time, Mother Nature, Sister Christian, Jack Frost, …

    What’s that? Oh oh yes… the Tooth Fairy can stay as the Tooth Fairy? …ok

  50. Man in Santa hat stuffs bacon in pants, beer in jacket at gas station. St Nick needs to be locked up–first breaking and entering and now shoplifting.

  51. Being called “Baby” has a positive effect on the female brain, causing instant emotional stress relief.

    *Yet, being called, “baby,” has become one of the first couple words in the #MeToo national anthem of sexual harassment lyrics, so…

  52. French Reporter Struck in the Face Amid Yellow Vest Protests in France

    That’s just not right!

    …I mean, who mixes Brunette Hair and a black wind-scarf and black coat with that shade of eye-liner?

  53. Interior Department Secretary Ryan Zinke submitted his resignation to the White House. Trump praised him for preserving our natural resources–especially our tees, greens, and fairways.

  54. Advisers to Joe Biden are said to have suggested a younger vice presidential pick for 2020. Younger–that would be anyone not named Larry King.

  55. Colin Kroll, co-founder of the video sharing site, Vine and CEO of the popular HQ Trivia app has passed away of an apparent drug overdose. He was 35.

    *His funeral service will be put onto video for prosperity, but only the best six seconds can be played.
    ….On the positive side, you can play it in a loop.

  56. United Airlines tells it’s flight attendants, “No Santa Hats!”

    **This is perfect!!
    … While crammed into the center seat between two service animals, it will be great knowing that I won’t be offended by ANYTHING RELIGIOUS!!

  57. In 2006, The FBI planted an informant pretending to be a radical Muslim in a mosque, and the Muslims in the mosque reported him to the FBI.

    *Woulda been strange calling the FBI, and then hearing the Muslim informant’s cellphone ring

  58. Fact of the Day: Video games train the human brain to make faster real life decisions. *You know, like catching that fallen bag of Takis before it spills, while binge watching #Netflix in your mom’s basement

  59. That dizzy feeling you get when you stand up too fast is called “postural hypotension”.

    *Fortunately, American’s rarely have this issue, as they’re too busy binge-watching Netflix while eating bags of Takis in mom’s basement… in order to stand up.

  60. The Latest: Paris police arrest 115 people in a day of mainly calm, smaller protests in the French capital, during the fifth-straight weekend of ‘yellow vest’ demonstrations against economic injustice.

    *Instead of tear gas, why not add soap and perfume to those water cannons?? That will certainly push the French off the streets!??

  61. Fact of the Day: Women reach full emotional maturity around age 32, while men finish maturing around age 43.

    *Meanwhile, men who work on a major TV network, simply do not mature until after they’ve been fired…

  62. White Sox have their limits on Machado, Harper, according to ESPN’s Buster Olney.

    *Yes! Send the game’s two biggest, most self absorbed a-holes to ChiTown! Please!!! Chicago hasn’t had this much air blow into town since… (…oh never mind, I just saw a stop sign lift out of the ground heading for La Grange) ..Since… that sign flew out of the ground!

  63. Fact of the Day: Michael Jackson requested his wine be served in Diet Coke cans during flights, because he didn’t want his kids to see him drinking alcohol.

    *But, he didn’t mind those kids sleeping in his bed, taking showers with him or playing the occasional “doctor,” when the situation called on it…

  64. Charles Leno Jr proposed on the sidelines before the Chicago Bears took to the field on Sunday.

    *Soooo cool! …You know, that Someone in Chicago was standing still in plain view and didn’t get assaulted!!!

  65. Miss Philippines Catriona Gray was crowned Miss Universe 2018. I knew she was going to win when the host opened a MANILA envelope.

  66. Tom Brady threw an awful interception at a critical moment in the Patriots’ loss to the Steelers on Sunday. It was the worst football throw by someone named Brady since Peter’s errant pass hit Marcia in the face.

  67. Legalization of Marijuana looks to be a real subject in New York, as Gov. Andrew Cuomo leads the charge!

    *Well, makes sense. After all, you gotta cover those Amazon “Tax-Breaks” somehow!?

  68. E-cigarette use has nearly doubled among U.S. high-school kids; meanwhile about 50% of middle school kids have vaped over the past year!

    *The other 50% of the kids were too stoned out of their frickin’ minds to take the survey!

  69. Trump threatens government shutdown over border wall funding.

    *How many of you are worried about our government shutting down? …Now, How many of you are MORE concerned about the Government starting back up again?
    (Show of hands…)

  70. NBA Star Steph Curry Interviews Astronaut Scott Kelly as Part of His Moon Landing Apology Tour.

    *Steph Curry in the same space as a bunch of outdated 50 year old moon-rover equipment and wires, …plus sand and moon rocks ….is STILL the dumbest thing in the room!!

  71. Mike Huckabee describing Trump: “He may be 72 years old, but he’s got the vigor of somebody who is about 32 years old.” And the temperament of a 5 year old.

  72. For the first time, an object in our solar system has been found more than 100 times farther than Earth is from the sun. It’s so cold and distant astronomers will name it after my ex.

  73. Bah Humbug! Four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree crapped on my newly washed car.

  74. CBS has denied Les Moonves his $120 million severance package following sexual assault allegations. But not to worry, he’s still got his golden parachute. Murphy Brown’s yellow panties.

  75. Nazis who named their baby after Hitler have been jailed as terrorists. Sadly, they won’t see their child take his first goose steps.

  76. A Georgia Bureau of Investigations employee was pictured this week reportedly holding the severed head of an alleged murder victim in a pose that was mocking the dead victim

    *This is the wrong way to get a head at your job!!
    *Oh no! Heads are gonna roll for this!
    *This type of skulduggery just needs to stop!

  77. For a limited time Popeyes is selling an “Emotional Support Chicken.” Didn’t work for me–just put me in a fowl mood.

  78. About 3 in 10 Americans delayed treatment of a “very serious” or “somewhat serious” medical condition in 2018 because of costs

    *Those numbers would be higher, but the other 7 people were too busy looking up their conditions on WebMD to actually go to the Hospital!

  79. Saudi Arabia said it would increase spending next year to boost economic growth despite a drop in oil prices

    *Let’s just hope there’s not a bulk order of table saws and black plastic, to start off that spending!

  80. Fact of the Day: If you want to quit smoking, go to a sauna for 3 days in a row and you’ll sweat out the nicotine which will make it easier to quit.

    *That’s fine but what about all those naked guys from South Florida staring at you for 45 straight minutes with hopes the towel drops!??

  81. Fact of the Day: You have a second “brain” in your gut: an independent, complex system of nerves that line your gastrointestinal tract and influence your mood as well as control most of your inner functions.

    *A third if you count what causes those urges you get when wearing sweatpants during the biology final before being asked to go to the chalkboard!

  82. A man who illegally killed hundreds of deer has been ordered by a judge to watch “Bambi” once a month during the year he spends in jail.

    *Isn’t like having Michael Jackson Babysit the Kids?

  83. Jimmy Fallon heading to Puerto Rico with Lin Manuel Miranda for hurricane relief episode on the Tonight Show

    *Once the Puerto Rican People witness the obsessive and over-the-top giggling from Jimmy they will most certainly pray for high winds and rain!

  84. This Mall In Downtown L.A. Will Use A Robot Patrol The Area

    *In case you are wondering, the Robot will be located next to the Boot Barn
    *Mess with this Robot and expect some Tech Knuckle Support!!
    *It’s such an epidemic here in America that even the Mall Cop Robots are fat!!
    *Will this Robot last a month? ……Obsoletely!

  85. 75% of American CEOs have found themselves apologizing for President Trump.

    *The other 25% were too busy …fastening a belt while wiping-down their office desk …to answer the survey!!

  86. Yesterday we learned that Women are abused on Twitter once every 30 sec. Today, Amnesty International says that Black women are 34% more likely to be harassed than white women!

    *Women of all color should be pissed! Trump is getting harassed 10,000 times per second; which throws off these stats!!

  87. NASA scientists claim that the rings on Saturn could disappear completely within 100 million years.

    *The last time something associated with 100 Million and full of useless air and gas, …that also lost a ring, was when Offset got dumped by Cardi B!!!

  88. Three K-9 Dog Handlers made more money than Vice President Mike Pence last year!

    *Trying to manage a wild out of control beast in a professional manner while surrounded by dignitaries cannot be easy pay!

    …But enough about Pence, let’s talk about these amazing Dogs and their handlers!!

  89. First pictures of the pervert who broke into UK funeral home and had sex with a corpse have been released

    *I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac
    *”Yes you Cadaver” just might not have been the right thing to tell this guy!

  90. Chicago Cub Shortstop, Addison Russell, is under fire again from ex-wife and mother of his child; detailing abuse and Mistreatment in stunning 11-page PDF released to the public.

    *No worries Cub-Fan! Manager Joe Madden will just get Addison back on track during spring training when he forces Russell to dress in a 70’s Disco theme, sleep with a Penguin on road trips and walk around the Club House with a Cockatoo on his shoulder, so..

  91. For years now, Facebook gave many large tech companies your personal information, recent investigation reveals

    *It’s sad when all of my social media burner accounts get their fake information stolen or handed to a third party unexpectedly. The real me is smiling while the fake me is pissed.

  92. Dire report warns California condor could be wiped out under Trump administration. Hope the last remaining one nests in Trump’s hair.

  93. Amazon error allowed Alexa user to eavesdrop on another home

    *Sadly, all they heard were one sided conversations of the headset wearing millennial-gamer in mom’s basement as he binge watched Netflix while playing Fortnite, so… not much going on there..

  94. Kyle Gordy has fathered 18 children through sperm donation and has been given the title, “Most Popular Sperm Donor.” Gordy doesn’t donate thru a lab, rather, makes ‘house-calls’

    *Because, as you know… there is a Vas deferens between leaving a specimen in a cup, verses natural Semination…

  95. Amazon error allowed Alexa user to eavesdrop on another home. It seems the customer had asked to listen back to recordings of his own activities made by Alexa but he was also able to access 1,700 audio files from a stranger

    *Meanwhile, the GPS-Enabled Google-Entrenched Smartphone in their pocket paused for a moment (as it chuckled silently), before sending its data back to headquarters for analysis…

  96. Exercise could be just as effective in lowering high blood pressure as prescribed medication

    My doctor told me that I had, “…the blood pressure of a 16 year old kid.”

    **I was sooooooo excited until he leaned in and said, “..an American 16 year old!”

  97. GoFundMe started to help keep Trump’s promise to build a border wall. Which is ironic since no crowdfunding campaign would be needed if Trump had kept his promise to have Mexico pay for it.

    • On GoFundMe, they’ve raised $8 Mil IN THREE DAYS for the Trump Wall with $1 Billion as the goal!!!

      *How long will it take for the Russians to hack into GoFundme and…. Oh, they have? …never mind!

  98. Here’s hoping Washington has a Wizard of Oz Christmas. Trump gets a brain. VP Mike Pence a heart. And the Democrats find some courage.

  99. happy hannukah, merry christmas, crazy kwanzaa, super saturnalia. however your tribe celebrates the big yellow orb not being eaten by the dragon. it’s all based on the solstice. which is today. so have a good one.

  100. BREAKING: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Friday underwent a pulmonary lobectomy for a cancerous lump in her lung. Justice Ginsburg is 85

    *While one cancerous tumor is being removed in Washington, I’m reminded that there’s still another REALLY big one yet to go.

  101. A Fox News poll found that an astonishing 93% of Republican women approved of Trump, even with his overall approval rating of 46%.

    *Of course, when they said it was a “Fox News Poll,” they really meant, a poll of the “Women of Fox News!”

  102. A new study shows that an increase in average Body Mass Index (BMI) over the years can’t be blamed on changes in height.

    **I think you need to be honest with these overweight people and just tell them outright they are killing themselves.

    …In other words, don’t sugarcoat it!

  103. Trump compares border wall to invention of the wheel. Nevermind that there already exists a series of fences and walls so there is no need to reinvent the wheel.

  104. I’ll give Trump credit for one thing. With all the lumps of coal going into the stockings of Trump and his henchmen, he has kept his promise to revitalize the coal industry.

  105. Amazon’s Alexa Goes Haywire, Tells Customer To ‘Kill Your Foster Parents’

    **If I wanted someone to wrongfully answer my questions, order laundry detergent, while tracking my every move, I would just remarry my ex wife!

  106. According to a new study from researchers at the University of California, San Diego, Three-fourths of Americans experience moderate to high levels of loneliness

    *The other 1/4th were too busy walking across an empty desert w/mom’s knife collection to answer the survey

  107. Johnny Depp has been dropped from Pirates of the Caribbean

    *For Depp’s new role, he and Dwayne Johnson will team up in a love/comedy/drama set for the big screen next summer called, “Rock Beats Scissors”

    *How Deppressing!

    *Wonder who will get Johnny in the break-up?

  108. Los Angeles Police Department detective has filed for a temporary restraining order against a senior officer, alleging he shared explicit photos of her in an act of revenge porn.

    *This could explain the fuzzy handcuffs hanging from the rear-view mirror!?

  109. Hawaii QB Cole McDonald is having trouble passing against LA Tech’s defense. It’s been a pick pick here and a pick pick there. Here a pick, there a pick, everywhere a pick pick. #SofiHawaiiBowl

  110. Reportedly, Dolly Parton has tats on her boobs. Say it isn’t so–those beauties should not have tattoos. It’s like drawing graffiti on the Great Pyramids.

  111. Demi Lovato Says She’d ‘Love to Set the Record Straight’ on Her Overdose: ‘Someday I’ll Tell the World’ What Happened.

    *Can someone please let me know when this is, so I can make sure to ‘go clean the garage’ that day?? (Dave Vincent)

  112. Christmas time lottery numbers top $321 million, as Mega Millions jackpot grows

    *This just means a single ticket brings 321 million to 1 odds of you nabbing the cash …You know, the same odds that ‘wall funding’ will be agreed on by Jan 1st!!

  113. Mega Millions drawing on Christmas Day will be for $321 million jackpot: Millions of people will be competing for a whopper of a Christmas present this year: The next Mega Millions drawing falls on Dec. 25.

    *The truth is, that the odds of you winning are 321 million to 1. That means are you about as likely to win the Mega Millions as you are to ever hear the words “President Donald Trump,” after 2020!

  114. STUDY: Third Of Americans Thinking About Leaving Country To Live Abroad

    *The other 2/3rds didn’t answer the survey because they were too busy throwing suitcases on their Subaru’s luggage rack!!

  115. Trump and GOP Congress Members Threaten to Ruin Everyone’s Holidays, as Government Shutdown Looms for Destructive, Dangerous Border Wall

    *It’s a good thing that they don’t make tunnels under the border, because that would make a wall a huge waste of taxpayer money.

    Oh, wait…

  116. Los Angeles D.A. declines taking on the Steven Seagal Sexual Misconduct case due to a statute of limitations

    *Ok, they can’t convict him of the 2002 sexual assaults. How about for making the 2009 film ‘Against the Dark’ ??

  117. New GoFundMe effort wants to buy ladders for migrants to climb over crowdfunded border wall

    *Maybe next we should open a #GOFUNDME page to fund other felonies like, magic keys to unlock fed. Prison gates, combinations to break into Fort Knox, and most importantly, cheat codes for Fortnite!

  118. Double murderer’s ex ‘faces being homeless at Christmas’ after being kicked out of her apartment complex and has called upon social media to help

    *…you can always depend on the kindness of stranglers.

  119. One of the most shocking and heart-rending stories to emerge from the Indonesian tsunami is that of rock band ‘Seventeen,’ who were performing in a marquee on the beach when waves came crashing through and swept them away.

    *There go the hopes of ‘New Wave’ making a comeback!

  120. Companies claim “safety” is the reason plus-size people are excluded from rides, but this woman refuses to accept that excuse.

    *So, she’s a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Cool
    *#Hogwarts
    *On a SCALE of 1 to 10 how obsessed with Harry Potter is she?

    …..220!

  121. Italy’s Mount Etna erupted, closing Sicily’s Catania Airport. Meanwhile here in the US of A, our own volatile volcano has erupted, closing the government.

  122. The partial government shutdown means lost wages and a lost sense of security for some Americans.

    *Nobody knows when this shutdown will end.. Boy, if there ever were a time to cut the tag off your mattress, now would be the it!

  123. Another day of the government shutdowns, ..and I predicted something like this was going to happen.

    *Despite the national parks being shut down, several men in grey and black clothes plundered a herd of wild horses. But enough about the the Oakland Raiders…

  124. Nobody’s happy about the Syrian withdrawal by Trump. In fact, German foreign minister, Heiko Maas has issued a statement where he criticizes #POTUS for removing troops.

    *You know things are bad when Americans are saying, “Yeah, gotta go with the Germans on this one.”

    • It’s day three of the government shutdown. Right this second, 20 percent of the American government is doing absolutely nothing, …which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything!!

  125. Some government services have been put on hold. DMV and Passport offices have been closed too.

    *Here’s an interesting fact: Customer lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles take exactly the same amount of time whether the office is open or not, so..

  126. Trump rants while ‘all alone’ in White House on Christmas Eve.

    Twas the night before Christmas
    And all through the White House
    A creature was stirring
    An orange-tinged louse

  127. Gov. Tom Wolf has approved grants totaling nearly $800,000 to increase the production of PA-made beer. Money will promote an ale-ing industry.

  128. ‘Holmes & Watson’ is so bad, viewers are walking out mid-movie. “Elementary, dear Watson” refers to the grade school humor.

  129. World War II veteran Richard Overton, the oldest man and oldest veteran in the U.S., has died, a family member confirmed Thursday. He was 112.

    ***He was so old that his funeral arrangements were paid for by Roosevelt-Care

    ***Cause of Death? You guessed it. Ninja throwing star! Don’t play with knives, kids. Serious stuff!

    • Since 2015, sixteen Americans over the age of 110 have passed away.

      ***Someone or Something is killing old people and we all need to do something about it!! Whose with me?

      ***Meanwhile, the youngest decorated man alive was seen in Hollywood having dinner with his wife, Priyanka Chopra

      • Richard Overton, the oldest-living veteran, was born on May 11, 1906, the same year as the first wireless radio broadcast, and a year before Oklahoma became a state. He died Thursday at the age of 112.
        **This will be one of the only funeral processions where driving 5mph will seem appropriate!
        **This unfortunate passing bumps Trump up to #11!

        • Richard Overton, 112, passes. He was the oldest Man in the United States.

          The oldest Woman is Lessie Brown (Ohio) who is 114!!

          *Not only is Mrs. Brown the oldest in the U.S., but she’s the only person in America w/the name Lessie!!
          *So, the curse of the oldest man alive continues!

  130. An inmate walked away from San Quentin State Prison and then may have carjacked someone nearby on Wednesday night, according to prison officials.

    ***After paying three $5 tolls in 20 minutes, then harassed by three people for donations to the Paradise and Thousand Oaks fires, just as he entered a truck stop; where he was taxed 7.25% for a bag of jerky and some smokes, he decided to just go back to Prison!

    **The inmate was plotting a prison break for some time, but with free cellphone service, unlimited TV, full work out facility, internet and constant medical care, he found it hard to jump the gate!

  131. 7-year-old who spoke with Trump still believes in Santa

    Thank God this turned out so well. I mean, most kids NOT from America would have reacted differently.

    *This 7 year old, like all other American kids, was simply too distracted by the iPad, Netflix, and a bag of Takis to fully understand the conversation, so…

  132. Walmart Santa charged after children found buried in his yard.

    **You’re probably wondering why authorities were digging around in this guy’s yard to begin with? …Trust me, though, they had probable Claus!

  133. Cannabis was a big hit for Christmas gift-giving.
    *Explains why Ole Saint Nick ate all the Brownies instead of cookies!!
    *Merry Kushmas!
    *The Tree wasn’t the only thing that got ‘lit’ on Christmas!
    *This explains Santa’s ‘Pot’ Belly
    *Santa brought a Huge Sack of weed
    *Merry Juana-Christmas

  134. UPDATED: Japan announces withdrawal from International Whaling Commission.

    Minke whale isn’t the biggest whale on the planet but it is big!

    *…it’s so big, infact, that if you laid it out on the floor at the Staples Center, the game would be over and the whale would die!

  135. The partial government shutdown will cut staffing at the federal agency that oversees food stamps by 95%.

    This shutdown cuts needed services like WIC, the food stamp program, SNAP, and the children’s health insurance program, CHIP.

    *By shutting down the government, Trump okay’d cutting SNAP & CHIP, to which America’s children replied “STOP” and “HELP!”

  136. EU wants to get rid of words like ‘mankind’ and ‘manpower’ in favor of gender-neutral terms. Oh man, I mean person.

  137. Macaulay Culkin to legally change name to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin after Twitter users vote. If he keeps doing goofy stuff like that, he will be spending a lot of time “home alone.”

  138. Angelina Jolie says she might go into politics … She’ll do well, because like every good politician, she’ll screw anybody to get ahead.

  139. Garbage collection in my neighborhood has been moved from Tuesday morning to Wednesday morning. This is so sanitation workers can spend New Year’s Eve getting trashed.

  140. Neighbors dispute Trump’s claim that there’s a 10-ft wall protecting the Obamas DC home. The Obamas wanted to build a wall but couldn’t get Mexico to pay for it.

  141. Elizabeth Warren has taken first step toward a presidential run. She has established an exploratory tribal council, I mean committee.

  142. I was embarassed at the dentist this morning. The dental hygenist found something stuck in my teeth.
    “I assume this belongs to your wife,” she said, holding up a pubic hair. I’m flossing from now on!

  143. At the club…”Well, here comes 5 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. When I woke up this morning, I found a new mole on my arm. I looked him in the eye and thought: I have got to get that hole in the wall fixed.”

  144. Police in Oklahoma City are looking for a man who fired a gun into a Taco Bell after he didn’t get the sauce he wanted. Police think he may have made a run for the border.

  145. Wives can be so cruel: “Well, since you asked, babe, let me tell you ‘how it was for me.’ You are more of a Mr. Bean than a Mr. Bond.”

  146. Toddler rushed to the hospital after Rhino encounter at Florida Zoo. Authorities say the Rhino won’t be punished.

    *I know what you’re thinking… What kind of punishment does a Rhino normally get for an incident like this? ….Elephino?? (Hell-if-I-Know)

    *Can you imagine spanking as a punishment? Now that’s an animal with a Rhinosauras (Rhino-Sore-Ass)

    *Everyone was staring down at the incident; the desperation and sad eyes were so very touching, as onlookers prayed for its safety …and, …oh yeah, they also prayed for the child!

    *Well, you guessed it… because he didn’t harm the child, the Rhino has become quite the hero. Next week he will give you his Superbowl pics to prove it!

    *This was the first time this giant animal had a reaction toward the news of a ‘child dropping in’ since that time it visited the Rhino-cologist!

    *Punishing an animal that’s already in jail. Sounds strange, until you realize that’s what happens to Cheetahs and those caught Lion.

    *Good to see people are following that whole, ‘don’t feed the animals,’ rule to start the new Year!

  147. BREAKING: Multiple people stabbed at Church of Scientology Center. Just so many unanswered questions unless you have a person close to the church to explain.

    **It’s just too diffi-cult!

  148. Multiple people report seeing flying red sphere off SC coast on Christmas Eve.

    Update: NORAD confirms it was Rudolph with his nose so bright.

  149. Suspect arrested in New Year’s Eve sex assault of 99-year-old, San Francisco cops say.

    *This marks the first time in history that the victim was charged with the crime…
    ….Assault with a dead weapon!

  150. A new law has gone into effect in Oregon allowing roadkill to be harvested and eaten. Residents will be given a free roadkill permit if they want to eat their roadkill. *The new fad in the Great Pacific Northwest is Roadkill Cafe’s. …Let’s put it this way… that place was Crow-Dead!!!

  151. A Chinese spacecraft has become the first to land successfully on the far side of the moon, according to state media.

    ***I’m not going to say Asian drivers are bad, but this aircraft was actually supposed to land on Mars!

    • All passengers are safe after an Ethiopian Airlines plane carrying 139 people skidded off the runway when it landed at Entebbe airport in Uganda today

      *I can tell you right now, this plane DIDN’T skid off the runway because it was TOO HEAVY!!

  152. Chinese food take-out and e-cigarettes were just two of the special privileges a Florida inmate received in exchange for helping guards with financial and legal matters.

    **This story could be more believable only if Morgan Freeman had narrated it!

  153. A father stated that his son “earned his man card” following a deadly shooting in Colorado, according to an arrest affidavit. *Not sure if he earned his, ‘Man Card,’ or not,.. but he will most certainly deserve his, ‘Lady Card’ at his next stop!

  154. Airport water fountains shut down after passengers become ill on Frontier Airlines flight
    *Now, this is what you call, Terminal Illness! (I’ll show myself the way out. Hands off, I know the way)

  155. Former ‘American Idol’ Host Brian Dunkleman Says He’s Now an Uber Driver.

    His big ‘Riff,’ with AI was that he didn’t like how he was treated. Told what to do, etc.

    Now, with Uber he’s his own boss, sets his own schedule and listens to nobody!!

    **…I then said, “Next Exit on the Right!”

  156. Former ‘American Idol’ Host Brian Dunkleman Says He’s Now an Uber Driver

    *So sad to see this happen. It wouldn’t be so bad, except this once ‘fad-driven franchise’ that’s about to go belly up has impacted so many ..from New York, Chicago, Miami, New Orleans, Dallas, Denver, Vegas, L.A. and San Francisco, to name just a few, … but enough about Uber!

  157. Phoenix woman sent date 159,000 text messages, threatened to turn his kidneys into sushi

    *This is amazing to me!
    …I mean, usual wacko protocol is to shy away from text and just use Facebook!

  158. My wife would prefer to spend her life in the nude, if that were possible. In fact, whenever she is forced to wear clothes, she’s got an angry face…which essentially makes her a “cross-dresser.”

  159. Sexual abuse being investigated at a Hospital after a woman in a Coma delivers a baby. *Although she isn’t the first to fall victim to this egregious behavior she did get awarded with a beautiful child and atrophy

  160. Long-awaited earthquake early warning app for L.A. can now be downloaded.

    *It’s so refreshing to wake up to your phone shaking from an earthquake and not from Trump’s Twitter Page!!!

    *Here in L.A. we already have an Earthquake App. …Whenever there’s a temblor, we immediately open Facebook and write, “Anyone feel that?”

  161. Alexa, what’s a screen pass? Amazon speaker can teach football to casual NFL fans.
    *After fans learn the game, perhaps they could build a program into Alexa that could teach Steven A. Smith?

  162. I’m trying to figure out what to do. We’ve gotten down to just a few regular contributors. Any ideas?

    Thanks to all of you for all your contributions (14,372 jokes!)

    • Howie: I think a couple features would be nice. 1. Why not have a ‘like’ or similar button available? I post here for a couple reasons and one big huge factor is self gratification (I’m just trying like HELL to get Will to smile at one of the 1,000 posts I make, and I’m not kidding). Without a LIKE button, you miss out on a key element 2. Share button. I can share the page, but not the post. Want to promote the page, you can with social media buttons. 3.I remember an old page very similar to this back in the late 90’s early 2000’s called, “TheMorningDJ.com” (or a reasonable facsimile there of). A person would post a topic and then DJ’s, comedians, writers, and fans would write their punchlines. This site is sooooo very similar as it has a featured post, but then we just post our own random thing afterwards and the flow is messed up. I’d much rather see someone like Janice post a topic and then let Gary, et al, tee off on the punchlines (to include punchlines from Janice). 4. Add tags to the post so we could select a tag later centralize on that subject.

      To wrap: Social Sharing Links, Like Button, Tags

      Just suggestions that I think would draw in more peeps
      D. “Meatblanket” Vincent

  163. A McDonald’s employee was strangled and beaten by a customer over straw; earlier in the week a Taco Bell customer opened fire on an employee because they got the hot sauce order wrong.
    *Been saying it for years, but… well …Fast Food is bad for you!

    • The Worker got attacked at the counter, as the McDonald’s customer tried to strangle the worker before pushing her upper chest to the floor. *Doctors say her heart will be fine, unless she eats the food she sells!

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