1. President Trump was invited to former President George H. W. Bush’s funeral but may not be able to attend. If you remember in his inauguration speech he said: Read my lips. No new tuxes.

  2. Trump keeps calling the Mueller investigation a “phony witch hunt.” If it’s phony, it’s not real. That means Trump believes the investigation isn’t really a witch hunt. Hmmm….

  3. Police were called to a NH hotel after someone reported that a nude man was knocking on a guest’s door. He was just trying to deliver some bags.

  4. Its obvious Trump is going to say that he is not connected to, and knew nothing about the corruption rampaging through his administration. He’ll play the incompetence card. And you know what, everyone will buy it.

  5. The damned Carolers have started coming to our house every night to spread their Holiday Cheer. I’m telling you, it is too much of a good sing!

  6. Man arrested for masturbating and simultaneously attempting to penetrate his anus with the handle of a toilet bowl scrubber. It wasn’t his first brush with the law.

  7. Ken Berry, who played bumbling Lieutenant Parmenter on “F Troop,” has died. Too bad. I think he was next up to lead be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

  8. Heather Nauert, a former Fox News personality, might be the country’s next ambassador to the U.N. She thinks D-Day was evidence of strong relations between the U.S. and Germany. Let’s hope she doesn’t try for good relations with Russia or China.

  9. Donald Trump will handle the coin toss at today’s Army-Navy game. He will use the same coin he flips to make policy decisions.

  10. Forget about that 4G Network Technology. Let me tell you confused males about 3T Female Reality: Temper, Tits and Tampons.

  11. More big staffing changes at the White House. I wonder how long before they rename it Altamont and hire the Hell’s Angels.

  12. Woman claims she’s had sex with 20 ghosts. I think she’s had too many spirits. Sadly, sex is all they wanted–she could see right through them.

  13. A woman who married the ghost of a pirate has revealed she has split from her 300-year-old husband. They Arrrgued constantly. A court will determine who gets the ship, buried treasure, and custody of a 250-year-old parrot.

  14. The holidays are tough these days. My wife decorated our tree while listening to a podcast discussing the various Trump scandals. We now have a Christmas tree that looks like Michael Cohen.

  15. Fact of the Day: There’s a unincorporated town in the southeastern arm of Trinity Bay, Newfoundland, named Dildo. *I asked my wife if she wanted to do an exotic “visit” to Dildo, but she just couldn’t come…

    • Fact of the Day: A woman trying to commit suicide from the Eiffel Tower, landed on a car and later married the owner of the car.

      *Her Story (if made into a Movie): “Paris: Eiffel in Louvre, Not in Seine”

      • *The last time a scientist assaulted someone, was when the professor threw sodium and chloride at a table!

        *I guess walking up to random babes at the solarium and asking them if they “…are made up of dark matter,” was innocent. But, adding the, ‘…want a little more,’ …was just over the line!!!

        *People are so sensitive! Asking to send a probe into a wormhole is just business talk!!

        *And I thought this whole time when he said he was looking for ‘Black Holes’ he was talking about outer space!!!

  16. Awkward Interview for Egyptian actress Rania Youssef, as she was questioned by prosecutors for four hours about the dress she wore at a Film Festival.

    *She did say that the questioning wasn’t as awkward as being interviewed by Triumph the Insult Dog!

  17. Surveillance video shows the dramatic moment an elderly woman was nearly run over by a man who stole her purse at a McDonald’s in Florida.

    **The driver was arrested on Saturday and charged with assault, robbery, grand theft and one account of impersonating the Hamburgler!

  18. Florida Uber Eats customer finds soiled underpants in food order. He had ordered fruit salad and instead got Fruit of the Loom. Understandably, he gave Uber a negative review for crappy service.

  19. Egyptian authorities say they are investigating a crime against public morality after a Danish photographer posted a picture of himself appearing to have sex with his girlfriend on top of a Pyramid

    *I was okay with it until I saw the footage from their spread at The Sphincts!

    *After completion, they both smoked a ziggurat

    *Oh come on, don’t be so uptight. He was just archiving the release of her Pharaoh-Moans!

  20. Kathie Lee Gifford on exiting the #TodayShow: “I stayed year after year making a million memories with people I will never forget. I leave Today with a grateful heart but I’m truly excited for this new creative season in my life”

    *I wonder who will Philbin?

  21. Donald Trump keeps calling the Mueller investigation “a witch- hunt.” It’s not a witch- hunt, but a bitch- hunt. And POTUS 45 should prepare to be found out as a little one and righteously slapped.

  22. Shaun Weiss, better known for his roles in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and The Mighty Ducks (Goalie) was arrested at a L.A. #RiteAid for trying to steal $200 worth of goods

    This is just insane!
    …I mean WHO tries to steal from THAT Rite Aid? They’ve got hella security there!

  23. Stephen Curry said he has doubts about the Moon Landing. Steph, there’s been more walking on the moon than what’s callled in the NBA.

  24. Report: 50% of women are discriminated in the workplace.
    *That number would be higher, but the other half couldn’t answer the survey because they were locked in their Boss’ answering questions about ‘How Bad They Wanted THAT Promotion”

  25. An early morning earthquake struck east Tennessee. Several people reported that it was strong enough to make their tooth chatter.

  26. Officials in Florida are saying that thousands of ballots were not counted as they were delivered to the election offices after their deadline.

    **You thought that was strange, …as it turned out, 90% had Al Gore’s name circled!

  27. Stockholders have had a bad few months as Verizon loses $4.6 Billion on their acquisitions of Yahoo and AOL.
    *Verizon heads are optimistic, however, as they plan on buying former tech giants Napster and MySpace, to recoup soured funds!

  28. Our favorite sausage, Jimmy Dean, has a recall in affect, as some of their product contains fragments of metal!

    Do you think we need to change the slogan… “Jimmy Dean Sausage, It’s a Steel!” ??