1. You have undoubtedly heard of the “farm to table” style cuisine. My wife’s cooking is more like “farm to operating table.”

  2. In the wake of the recent mail bomber, Donald Trump says we have to unify. You know, his message might be more effective after he puts down that barbed- wire wrapped bat and the cattle prod.

  3. Dorcas Reilly, the inventor of the green bean casserole, has died at age 92. Mushroom soup labels are being flown at half-can.

  4. Now the President says he wants to stiffen the death penalty. What does that even mean? Is he going to apply it twice? Mandate their last meal be worms? Give them itchy uniforms? Inject them with the lethal cocktail himself? How else?

  5. Donald Trump is upset the press is covering consecutive hate crime events because it has interrupted them from covering his continuing series of hate speeches.

  6. My doctor’s a little weird. After I had surgery he went through the list of “don’ts”: don’t drive for a week; don’t lift heavy objects; don’t get stressed out. “What about sex?”, I asked him. He looked at his watch and said, “I can’t now but come back in an hour.”

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