When Trump toured North Carolina he saw a large boat that Hurricane Florence washed up into somebody’s back yard. He told the homeowner, “At least you got a nice boat out of it.” He was just quoting the Bible. Didn’t God say the same thing to Noah?



  1. Alex Trebek apologized for cringeworthy performance as moderator at PA gov. debate. Trebek insisted the candidates ring in and answer in the form of question.

  2. Scientists say there once lived a dinosaur that had vampire-like fangs, a parrot beak, and porcupine bristles. Are they sure it was a dinosaur? I think scientists found the remains of my ex.

  3. The Democrats will not support anyone Trump nominates for the Supreme Court. Trump could nominate Santa Claus and Democrats would say he’s not fit because of criminal history of breaking and entering.

  4. Supposedly the FBI investigation was not allowed to interview Judge Brett Kavanaugh or Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, but were able to talk to Charles Grassley, Mitch McConnell, Alex Jones and Kanye West.

  5. They tell me my old flip phone isn’t a smart phone. But it was the only cell phone in the house that was smart enough NOT to get the Presidential Alert.

  6. A website is selling a Sexy Stormy Daniels Halloween costume–minus the mushroom. I don’t know about treats but she’s sure adept at turning tricks.

  7. JOKE OF THE DAY: a chicken and an egg are having sex. finally, they finish, the egg rolls over, lights up a cigarette, turns to the chicken and says “well, that answers that.”

  8. The FBI finished their investigation of Justice Kavanaugh and reported nothing untoward was found, and not to worry. Women won’t be voting much longer.

  9. New ‘Snapcrap’ app will let users report about poop, needles, and other trash found in San Francisco. I submitted a team photo of the Giants.

  10. An old man masturbated at a McDonalds drive thru as he attempted to pay for his food. Hopefully, the cashier did not tell him to come again.

  11. Thieves stole a church’s lead roof over a prolonged period of time. It’s incredible they were able to pull off this crime with such eaves.

  12. In my town there is a homeless man named Walter who lives under an overpass. I guess you could call it a bridge over troubled Walter.

  13. Went for a walk today and saw a lawn sign that read: Keep Dogs Off Grass. I didn’t know we had a canine pot problem.

  14. Ever since my wife bought a pair of BattleVision HD Polarized Sunglasses with Specabronze coating online it’s been a nightmare…all she wants to do is fight.

  15. Trump says that Ivanka would make a great UN ambassador. It’s just his way of trying to give her diplomatic immunity.

  16. At my last Comedy Jam I thought about doing a comic strip, but thought better of it. There is a difference between funny…and just sad.

  17. Even after 35 years, my wife is pretty naïve about sex. Last night I asked her to “talk dirty” and this is how it went: “OK, imagine a woman coated in dust. And a man covered in rust. Finally, a man and woman dripping with…mildew!” Gross, huh?

  18. Riding a high after a good set at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, I’m confronted by my squinting wife in her nightgown. “You said it was OK with you if I had a night out,” I say innocently. “I may have said that, but you knew I didn’t mean that.” Feminine logic, wrapped in a bow of thorns.

  19. Trump says Kanye is a genius and would be a pleasure to campaign with. I can just hear FOX News reporting: First Lady Kim Kardashian wears pink nipple rouge today.

  20. JOKE OF THE DAY: The German Chancellor goes to France totally without entourage. At customs the agent asks “What is your name?” “Angela Merkel.” “Occupation?” “No, just visiting.”

  21. During a visit to the White House yesterday, Kanye West went on an incoherent rant. Trump immediately hired him as a speech writer.

  22. During a visit to the White House, Kanye West said that wearing a MAGA hat made him feel like Superman. Well then he should have been able to see right through Trump.

  23. Trust me. Two words you do not want to see on your 67-year old wife’s shopping list: Booty Shorts. Not even around Halloween.

  24. My wife is a bitch. I mean on a truly cellular level. If her platelets could talk, they’d sound like this: “Yeah, I’m oval-shaped and ruby-red, what’s it to ya?”

  25. Kanye West wants to be president in 2024. Surprisingly, this would save money for the U.S. Because in the unlikely event of a water landing in Air Force One, the President could use the First Lady’s butt as a flotation device.

  26. I keep expecting women to come forward from the #MeToo movement to implicate deceased film Director David Peckinpah as a predator. He certainly had the right name for it!

  27. Describe yourself in 3 words:


    Yeah, I’m a sleepy bum who’d like to live in a boat…

  28. Legalizing weed is on the ballot next month in Michigan. I have a feeling folks will be more enthusiastic about attending Potlucks in the near future.

  29. For people looking to amp-up game-time hi-jinks, a new variation on an old favorite that’s catching on in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula is called “Truth or Bear.”

  30. Tread Lightly? I saw an ad last night for tires with the tagline “Your Tires Matter.” It got me to thinking, yes, but do only Black Tires Matter?

  31. Ford announced a recall of its 647-horsepower, $450,000 Ford GT supercars over a potential fire hazard. This will cost the company millions. Or else they could just rename it the Pinto GT.

  32. A family plans to sue Applebee’s after they say their 17-month-old baby was severely burned by steaming water they requested to sterilize utensils. Sounds to me like it’s the parents who should be sterilized.

  33. I tuned into 60 Minutes last night because I heard there would be a story that featured a comical orangutan. I wasn’t disappointed. #60minutesTrump

  34. Trump says the missing Saudi journalist might have been slain by “rogue killers.” Yeah. That’s it. Or maybe he was struck by an asteroid. Or got stuck in a cave like that Thai soccer team. Or consumed by spontaneous combustion. Flesh eating bacteria?

  35. When I was a teen, my band was called The Flying Embryos. Although we were high-schoolers the only gigs we could get were junior-high sock hops. Wherever we played, kids wanted to sock us…

  36. Federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against Trump. In addition to calling Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’, Trump called Daniels ‘Kardashian.’

  37. President Trump is calling the Democratic Party an “angry mob.” Which makes me think he is confused by the meaning of two words, “angry” and “mob.”

  38. Dennis Hof, a legal pimp who gained notoriety for an HBO series about his business and who has fashioned himself as a Donald Trump-style Republican candidate for the state Legislature, has died, Nevada authorities said Tuesday. Finally, some good news.

  39. I saw a bumper sticker that read: “Forget 911, I Dial 357 Magnum!” Sounds like the driver took his own advice, for a head injury.

  40. President Trump says his daughter Ivanka would make an excellent Ambassador to the UN but if he appointed her, it would be called “nepotism.” YES!!!! That’s what nepotism is.

  41. It was with a fair amount of pride that I told my cardiologist that I don’t take medicine for erectile dysfunction. And he didn’t even ask.

  42. Researchers say an Antarctic ice shelf is ‘singing’ and it’s creepy. It’s probably a song from the soundtrack of ‘Frozen.’

  43. The Saudi hit team reportedly beheaded Jamal Khashoggi during his interrogation. Which you would think would hinder the man’s ability to provide precise answers to their queries.

  44. Another American journalist was seen beheaded at a foreign embassy. Only this was a Canadian embassy and he beheaded to the nearest 7-Eleven for munchies.

  45. So the new Saudi story is that Jamal Khashoggi died after getting into a fist- fight inside the embassy in Istanbul. Well, then it’s obviously his own fault. Any journalist who takes on 15 guys armed with a bone saw deserves what he gets.

  46. Caravan resumes journey toward US. What’s Trump so upset about–it’s a Dodge, the engine will blow up before it gets here.

  47. The President just makes up stuff. “Democrats invited criminals to cross our border. They’ve orchestrated the caravan.” Why don’t Dems respond in kind? “Donald Trump wants to kick pregnant dialysis patients in the belly. Donald Trump actually performed fellatio on Mohammed bin Salman.”

  48. When I visited Japan this summer I lost my wallet. There I was on a teeming street corner in Tokyo asking passersby: “Got any dough, Joe?”

  49. Trump today “California, get on the ball. Because we’re not gonna hand you any more money. It’s ridiculous.”
    Guess no one told the stable genius that California contributes much more to the federal budget than we get back.

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