1. Donald Trump is creating new enemies faster than he can get rid of old ones. Makes you wonder if anybody in this Mickey Mouse administration has seen “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”

  2. An Arizona man faked Down syndrome to hire three female caregivers to bathe him and change his diapers. Caregivers became suspicious when the man with Down syndrome had no problem getting it up.

  3. Texas board voted to eliminate Hillary Clinton from history curriculum. Hillary herself would like to eliminate her humiliating loss to Trump from the history books.

  4. So, I’m driving behind this senior citizen. She’s doing 30mph in a 45-mile an hour zone, and it hits me: Why am I stuck puttering along after this OLD BAT-MOBILE? Did I mention it was a dark night?

  5. Former Detroit Pistons center Jason Maxiell revealed to his wife on national TV that he has slept with 341 women before and during his marriage. Maxiell is lucky he’s not sleeping with the fishes. He did more scoring off the court than he did while on it.

  6. Trump reportedly regarded ‘Little Rocket Man’ nickname he gave to Kim as his best one ever. Unfortunately, he stole it from Melania who originally gave the nickname to Trump.

  7. Man accidentally shot himself in leg inside Tacoma Chuck E. Cheese. I would intentionally shoot myself if I had to spend time in a Chuck E. Cheese.

  8. Florida man was arrested after transporting his 15-year-old son to a local park for a late-night sexual encounter with his girlfriend, also 15. Father charged with driving the get-a-lay car.

  9. Female McDonald’s workers in Kansas City walked off the job in protest of sexual harassment. One male supervisor asked a female subordinate if she would like to taste his McNuggets.

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