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  1. Donald Trump is creating new enemies faster than he can get rid of old ones. Makes you wonder if anybody in this Mickey Mouse administration has seen “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”

  2. An Arizona man faked Down syndrome to hire three female caregivers to bathe him and change his diapers. Caregivers became suspicious when the man with Down syndrome had no problem getting it up.

  3. Texas board voted to eliminate Hillary Clinton from history curriculum. Hillary herself would like to eliminate her humiliating loss to Trump from the history books.

  4. So, I’m driving behind this senior citizen. She’s doing 30mph in a 45-mile an hour zone, and it hits me: Why am I stuck puttering along after this OLD BAT-MOBILE? Did I mention it was a dark night?

  5. Former Detroit Pistons center Jason Maxiell revealed to his wife on national TV that he has slept with 341 women before and during his marriage. Maxiell is lucky he’s not sleeping with the fishes. He did more scoring off the court than he did while on it.

  6. Trump reportedly regarded ‘Little Rocket Man’ nickname he gave to Kim as his best one ever. Unfortunately, he stole it from Melania who originally gave the nickname to Trump.

  7. Man accidentally shot himself in leg inside Tacoma Chuck E. Cheese. I would intentionally shoot myself if I had to spend time in a Chuck E. Cheese.

  8. Florida man was arrested after transporting his 15-year-old son to a local park for a late-night sexual encounter with his girlfriend, also 15. Father charged with driving the get-a-lay car.

  9. Female McDonald’s workers in Kansas City walked off the job in protest of sexual harassment. One male supervisor asked a female subordinate if she would like to taste his McNuggets.

  10. President Trump is very worried his North Carolina golf course was damaged by Hurricane Florence. He desperately doesn’t want the New York Times to learn its divots are what he paints orange and wears on his head.

  11. A Massachusetts man was arrested after stuffing his toddler daughter inside an arcade game to steal prizes. He ran afoul of the Claw.

  12. When Trump toured North Carolina he saw a large boat that Hurricane Florence washed up into somebody’s back yard. He told the homeowner, “At least you got a nice boat out of it.” He was just quoting the Bible. Didn’t God say the same thing to Noah?

  13. Anchorage man who strangled a woman unconscious on the side of a road and then masturbated on her, walked out of court with no future jail time. Sounds like he may become a future Supreme Court justice.

  14. KinkySdollS, is an Ontario-based business where customers can rent realistic sex robots. I recently went there and had fun, but I think the guy before me was either Spanish, or president of the United States. The doll kept saying, ponme, ponme.

  15. Women like shoes, right? So, when my girlfriend said I reminded her of a comfortable shoe I thought it was a cool thing. “Nope,” she corrected me. “Get out of my life, you loafer.”

  16. so it’s gone from “it didn’t happen.” to “it might have happened, but it wasn’t that bad.” to “okay, maybe it happened and was pretty bad but its too late to do anything about it.” what’s next: “don’t worry, he’ll be fine ruling on cases from his prison cell”?

  17. Strong winds generated by a storm were able to ‘reverse’ a waterfall. Nothing is impossible now that the Browns have won a football game.

  18. British Columbia man memorized a deck of cards in 68 seconds to win Canadian national competition. I’m surprised the winner of a memory competition wasn’t a married woman.

  19. Ben & Jerry’s founders announce contest for ice cream flavors inspired by Democrats in Nov. election. With Trump’s unpopularity, Republicans have a rocky road.

  20. ‘Transphobic’ student editor fired for insisting ‘women don’t have penises.’ I don’t know–I know plenty of women who got balls.

  21. I’m never using Expedia again for hotel reservations. I wanted a suite and got a tiny room with a chocolate mint on the pillow.

  22. Remember the line in that Olivia Newton John song “Let’s Get Physical” it went like this: “Let me hear your body talk!” I always thought, “Oh, great. This is where I’d look in her limpid blue eyes…and fart uncontrollably.”

  23. Another woman has come forward to accuse of Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. One has to wonder if Me Too will become Me Three, Me Four or More.

  24. A man was arrested for breaking into a home moments before he was about to take a bath. He was taken into custody before he could make a clean getaway.

  25. NC interstate was left covered in fish after Hurricane Florence floodwaters receded. Holy Mackerel–vehicles were fishtailing all over the highway.

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