1. Papa John’s is slicing its founder John Schnatter out of marketing materials as fallout continues over his use of a racial slur
    **After all, when crunching down on Italiano Meatlovers Pizza w/Peppers & Turkey doused in Greek Sauce alongside Eggplant Parm & Oreo Brownie for dessert @ your local PJ’s, do consider whispering your order so YOU won’t be labelled a racist!

  2. Don’t Drink the Water: DC Warns Thousands of Contamination Risk ***So, when they say, “It must be something in the water,” in Washington the phrase should be taken literally

  3. Teen spends 10 hours treading water after a rip current swept him out to sea. “I was talking to God the entire night.” …Just saw his story on TV. Ironically, he didn’t even want to go into the ocean to begin with. **A case of Pier pressure

  4. “I guess when they put out blimps to make me feel unwelcome, no reason for me to go to London.” – Donald Trump to The Sun Newspaper ***And just like that, Latex, plastics and Helium stock spikes world wide

  5. Last meal of ancient ‘Iceman’ revealed as Scientists studying the body of Oetzi the Iceman — a hunter who died in the Alps 5,300 years ago — found that his last meal was particularly well-balanced.

  6. The International Energy Agency says the world’s oil supply risks being stretched to the limit
    ***Which means Donald Trump can scratch off those plans for “Middle East peace” and start working on something else.

  7. Sarah Sanders says John Kelly was not annoyed by Donald Trump’s remarks at a NATO breakfast but was upset he couldn’t get a full breakfast. Apparently “NATO” stands for “Nothing After Ten O’Clock.”

  8. A judge is weighing the competency of a man accused of mailing explosives. Although how competent is anyone who has something that needs to be delivered on a deadline and still uses the Post Office?

  9. Some England fans were so confident of a World Cup win they got premature celebration tattoos. Which will come as a real surprise to them when they sober up in another two weeks

  10. South Dakota was named as the best state to retire. That is for the ten people in South Dakota who actually were able to find a job that paid them well enough to be able to retire before 93

  11. A report says Americans are making progress paying back their debts. Meaning they are on track to finally finish paying off their college loans on schedule, sometime in 2067.

  12. A study says high blood pressure may contribute to the development of Alzheimer’s Disease. The good news is the dementia at least makes people forget what caused the stress that raised their blood pressure

  13. Dwayne Johnson says he “needs experience” before running for President. Which he has gotten with intelligence working in “Get Smart,” foreign aid in “Tooth Fairy” and in how to deal with extreme deficit spending making “Baywatch.”

  14. The Scottish Open is using math problems to identify the number of each hole on its flag. The last one is “18>⅕.” Meaning playing 18 is always greater when followed with a fifth

  15. The FCC is dropping plans to charge $225 to hear consumer complaints, with one commissioner saying “No one should be asked to pay $225 for this agency to do its job.” The question is how much will it cost to have the agency stop doing its job?

  16. A survey says half of young people want an electric car. Mostly because it’s easier to steal fuel from your neighbor with an extension cord than by siphoning their gas tank

  17. Protests have erupted in Uganda over the proposed five cent a day social media tax, with police using tear gas and bullets to control crowds. People were surprised. A social media tax is the issue that gets Ugandans out in the street to protest?

  18. Ireland is set to become the first country to end investments in fossil fuels. Mostly because they feel more comfortable in putting their money into what they know, which is corn, rye, barley and copper tubing.

  19. A Georgia man paralyzed from the waist down paid an exotic dancer to perform at his home and then zip-tied her, demanded sex, and used a stun gun on her, state authorities say. **No matter how awful of a person they may be, it’s just not fair or nice to make fun of person that is paralyzed… They just can’t STAND the harassment

  20. Trump says he’s a “stable genius.” You’d think a stable genius would have at least a lick of horse sense.

  21. Men: If you want to attract other men, buy a sports car. If you want to attract women, buy a dog. And if you want to be miserable, marry a bitch.

  22. INL specialists left plutonium in their car at Marriott hotel just off Highway 410. In the morning, it was gone ***Sooo I was gonna tell you a joke about some elements in Plutonium like sodium and hydrogen……but NaH

  23. United topped its second-quarter profit expectations with a $10.78 billion income. The airline credited the increase to better plane management, less waste, and offering employees a free flight anywhere for dragging off two customers at one time.

  24. Today President Donald Trump walked back yesterday’s walk back from what he sort of said in Helsinki about his good buddy Putin. Hope he’s got a chiropractor on call after going through so many contortions. Not only is his back out of whack but so’s his head.

  25. So it’s not okay to kneel during the national anthem but during press conferences with Russian leaders it’s okay to bend over.

  26. Burger King gave a terminally ill dog cheeseburgers for life Very NICE act of kindness from BK! ***Very nice gesture from BK! …Usually, when I bring my dog to the drive-thru I get the, “Buy one, get one FLEA” deal!

  27. Starbucks is opening an All Signing Store that caters to Deaf customers in Washington, D.C.! ***They got the inspiration from all their drive-thru customers who flip-the-bird after discovering their order was wrong

  28. Kimberly Guilfoyle is 49, which is great news for Democrats, because it means Donald Trump Jr. won’t be running for president in the near future. She’s much too old for First Lady materiel.

  29. I remember those “We survived Clinton you will survive Bush” and “We survived Bush, you will survive Obama” t-shirts.
    Now it’s “We survived Obama, and not sure if we WILL survive Trump.”

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