1. The President says he’s open to criticism as long as it’s fair and responsible, which is his way of saying not critical in any way. The kind of criticism that is otherwise known as compliments. That, he’s okay with.

  2. A ballot initiative to expand voter access in Michigan got the required 430,000 signatures. ***It allows voting absentee for any reason, which is great news for voters in Detroit who don’t go to the polls because it’s too dangerous to leave their house.

  3. Phil Mickelson broke a rule again which resulted in a two stroke penalty at the Greenbrier in West Virginia. How about for his next birthday someone buys him a copy of the “Rules of Golf”?

  4. A minor league baseball game in Texas was delayed by a bee hive in the home dugout. **Does this mean they were dropped from “A” down to “Bee” ?? (Okay, no need to touch, I’ll show myself out…)

  5. Former Detroit Lions running back Jahvid Best is playing in a flag football league. **Which means it is just like the old days …being on a team that never actually tackles anyone

    • Jay Cutler says he is looking to do “exactly the opposite of work.” ***Which is apparently the same philosophy that guided him through eight years of quarterbacking the Chicago Bears

  6. A new mystery novel puts Barack Obama and Joe Biden together as crime fighters. **Their first mystery is figuring out how the Democrats could have possibly lost an election to Donald Trump

  7. A study says the mainstream media will put a “conservative” label on Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee. **The study was called “Research on the Painfully Obvious.”

  8. A survey says half the country’s doctors are burned out, fatigued and depressed. ***AND NOW now they know how WE patients feel sitting in their waiting room- three hours for an appointment

  9. Starbucks is ditching plastic straws over concerns of the threat to oceans. ***Although just a couple of weeks ago they dropped their concern of pollution from letting non-customers use their restrooms

  10. British foreign secretary Boris Johnson has resigned over Brexit. ***Which means it’s now down to Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump for the worst haircut still in world government

  11. Twitter has recently shut down millions of fake accounts. **Mostly because it turns out the only two people who actually have real accounts are Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian

  12. Eleven states have launched an investigation into fast food hiring practices **The BIGGER question is, …when will they start looking into what they are putting into their food?

  13. 12,300 customers in L.A. lost power because of the ongoing heat wave. ***Ironically, 12,300 is the actual number of people who can afford to rent or buy a house in Los Angeles.

  14. The Marine Corps is reportedly using dating apps to attract recruits. ***Which is interesting as it means the Marines are the only ones on a dating app able to get a two year commitment.

  15. Donald Trump’s ex-driver says he is owed over 200 grand in overtime pay. Trump could drive, but only an automatic. Never got the hang of a stick shift. Or as he calls it, Manwell transmission.

  16. Hollywood producers are already working on making a film about the trapped Thai soccer team. Mostly because the movie could be three hours long showing the kids sitting around waiting to be rescued and still be more exciting than watching a World Cup 0-0 tie game.

  17. Donald Trump slammed German Chancellor Angela Merkel, saying Germany is “totally controlled” and “captive” to Russia. Which upset Trump because he thought of it first.

  18. President Donald Trump has been exiled to the outskirts of London on his trip to Great Britain due to thousands of protestors. Wonder if we could do that over here. Perhaps confine him to red states. Would serve him and them right.

  19. A study says medicinal pot decreases the number of opioid prescriptions. Mostly because the pot users are just too lazy to get off the couch and go to the pharmacy.

  20. A flight from Hong Kong to the Chinese mainland suddenly lost air pressure and dropped nearly 20,000 feet because the pilots were smoking in the cockpit and accidentally pushed the wrong buttons. **Asians are so bad at flying, I’m starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

  21. Southern California man at-large after allegedly attacking his wife with a chainsaw while their children were home; she is expected to survive. ***This is unfortunate. Everyone knows you don’t dare have ax when the kids are home

  22. Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin-Robbins have named a new CEO, a veteran McDonald’s executive. ***Which means that will be one company that is not going to be focusing on a healthy menu

  23. Scientists have identified a protein linked to armpit odor. Apparently it is the one protein that is found in the recipes for every single type of food made in France

  24. Randy Moss is mentoring Jameis Winston, saying the quarterback must learn from his mistakes. Although having Randy Moss mentoring someone with behavioral issues is kind of like putting Rob Gronkowski in charge of Johnny Manziel

  25. Montana State’s quarterback is sitting out the 2018 season to focus on academics. Which is no big deal as the team probably has just as much chance of winning without having a quarterback.

  26. Now Trump says anybody who criticizes him for sucking up to Vlad the Impaler wants to go to war with Russia. Who knew he was a proponent of Make Love Not War? Well, besides Michael Cohen, that is.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *