1. First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for claiming he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationery, no. Stationary targets, yes.

  2. Scientists at the University of Fribourg have developed a medical battery by bonding slimy electric eels together. Unfortunately America is way behind in this technology, because our best slimy eels always go into government.

  3. Why are Olympic Sports always referred to as “Womens” Downhill, Hockey, Curling, Speed Skating and not Figure Skating? “Ladies” Figure Skating.

    So with that, enjoy the renamed sport of “Un-Macho Non-Alpha Male” Figure Skating event in 2022 Beijing. (with Johnny Weir presiding of course)

  4. More food fare to avoid from PeongChang: Stadium fare: Hot Dogs, Houndburgers, Chihuahua Chips, French Poodle Fries.

    More restaurant discoveries to avoid… Muttloaf, Yorkshier Terrier Pudding, Fido & Chips, Schnauzer Schnitzel, St Bernard Stroganoff and Labrador Thermidor.

  5. My wife served me a Sloppy Joe, but said it was called a Manwich. I asked her if that meant hers was just a plain “witch.”

  6. The president sent the first daughter to represent the U.S. at the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in South Korea. Some say he should have gone himself. Some say what the heck, it was just for fun. All I know is, it was the cutest dress Dennis Rodman ever wore.

  7. Lucky Charms Cereal has ditched its iconic “pot-o-gold” marshmallows. Ironic, you know. Because that’s exactly what the California IRS has named it’s new marijuana law.

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