1. I drive a small Mercedes sports car. The trunk is so small I can scarcely fit in 2 cases of girl scout cookies, much less the actual girl scouts.

  2. The Army is relaxing its standards and taking in recruits who score lower on the IQ test. And why hot? We’ve got a president who needs a Mulligan just to get his club in the bag.

  3. Taylor Swift has a new app called The Swift Life. Members will get special previews of new videos, new songs, and who she’s not sleeping with tonight.

  4. Oregon has collected over $85 million in marijuana tax this year. And that’s just a drop in the bucket. The rest of the loot is in a Brinks truck waiting at 6th and Stark for the stop sign to turn green.

  5. When you see Yankee fans in the bleachers holding up signs that say “All Rise”, they are actually commenting that parking has gone from $15 to $100 and the price of their cheap seats that were averaged $15 regular season now start at $200.

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