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  1. Scientists with Disney Research have developed a method for analyzing the facial expressions of movie viewers. So far they’ve isolated three. Laughing means you love Mickey. Crying means you love Minnie. Picking your nose means you love Goofy.

  2. OJ is out on parole. The judge asked his opinion on global warming. The Juice wasn’t worried, he planned on hooking up at the next Pride Parade.

  3. A federal judge has approved a $11.2 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit against Ashley Madison, saying the dating service misled customers about security measures on the website. Not only that, they also lied about Charlie Sheen being their number one customer. They wouldn’t name the number one customer, but admitted he too wears a hairpiece.

  4. I didn’t realize how rough my town is until I drove through a construction zone the other day. There was a sign that said “steel plate” … and somebody did.

  5. Anthony Scaramucci, Trump’s new communications director said he’ll do whatever it takes to stop White House leaks. Not sure he understands the problem completely. First thing he did was remove handles from all the toilets.

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