1. Overheard at the bar: “Sexy? Yeah, my wife is about as sexy as a naked lime.” Guess he’s soured on the old girl.

  2. A robot purchased to guard a D.C. office building overnight was found drowned in a fishpond the next morning. Engineers are tightlipped about the reason for the failure, but it’s believed the robot, designed to run on DC, found an AC outlet and went binge volting.

  3. Spice maker McCormick Inc. has announced it will buy French’s Mustard from a British company for $4.2 billion to accomplish their goal of having all of America’s condiments under one roof. Kind of like a Condominium of Condiments.

  4. Facebook plans to launch a subscription service for news stories, possibly as early as October. And they already have their first story. White House announces Trump Junior was born in Kenya.

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