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It’s gonna be HUUUUUUGGGGE! — 19 Comments

  1. British Condoms say their i.Con is the world’s first smart condom, but I don’t think it’s so smart. Carried the damn thing in my wallet for a week and the only action I got was a date with the ATM.

    • The i.Con can be adjusted to accommodate different girths, takes around an hour to charge and lasts for up to eight hours of “live” action. Depending on how often you have sex, it could last several weeks or even months between charges.

      …Wonder if we can link this with my Grinder account?
      …A FitBit for the ManBits
      …Can’t wait until Russia Hacks this!
      …So much pressure! It was hard enough trying to find someone to have sex with me, now I have to worry about Thrust Velocity?
      …You: “Honey, we can’t do it tonight.” Wife: “Why?” You: “The Internet is down.”
      …The new “smart condom” tracks your sexual activity. Sure, what we all need is more dicks bragging about their dicks.
      …I don’t need an I.con Smart Condom to judge me, I have a wife for that!
      …My I.Con just told me if I didn’t stop I’d go blind. Oddly enough it also said I had reached my heart rate goals for the day.

  2. In his new book, The Cheese Trap, Dr. Neal Barnard claims Velveeta cheese is as addictive as heroin. What’s great about Velveeta is you can eat it and get high, jam it between bricks to make a fireplace, or leave the plastic on and have a dandy bookmark.

    • …You know it’s a huge problem when you have to take a painkiller just to eat lunch
      …Now, Artie Lange has an excuse for gaining that weight

    • True story, the Florida defense attorney’s pants began smoking during an arson trial AND during the closing arguments where he claimed that his client’s car started on fire through spontaneous combustion.

      …Okay, I’m convinced. There is a God.
      …we don’t lose more lawyers to spontaneous combustion

      A variation of Jerrywww’s punch:

      ……We’re not calling Miami defense lawyer Stephen Gutierrez a liar. But we can say that during a trial on Wednesday afternoon, his pants were on fire.

    • …So, this is how Floridians kick off Shark Week
      …I’ve always said that a Wal*Mart Parking Lot in Florida is full of predators!
      …What smells worse? A decaying dead shark or a Wal*Mart Parking Lot in Florida?
      …On the plus-side you can get the shark a “Get Well Soon,” balloon (just a couple feet away).

  3. A man was arrested after scaling the White House fence Friday night. Actually, it was a case of self-preservation. He was being attacked by a Lesbian, a Gay, a Bisexual, a Queer and a Transgender and knew there’d be none of those in the White House.

  4. First-year doctors can now work up to 28 hours in a row after their governing body lifted the 16-hour cap on shift lengths. Resident doctors must read the fine print however. The extra 12 hours will be spent performing post mortem exams on the president’s dead campaign promises.

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