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  1. At a campaign rally Hillary Clinton barked like a dog while condemning Republicans. Just what you would expect from a bitch.

  2. Kanye West wants Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg to put $1 billion into funding his ideas. Like what? Financing his Hip-Hop lifestyle for another 10 years? Google: stupidity.

  3. For Valentine’s Day, my wife bought me a Shiatsu Zero Gravity Massage Chair…now, if I could just get the damn thing off the ceiling.

  4. At the Phoenix Open, a club swinging robot made a hole-in-one. It declined to take home the prize of a brand new car, and was awarded a lifetime supply of WD-40 instead.

    Also, The cheap machine left without buying a round.

  5. MVP Von Miller went to Disneyland after the game. Cam Newton was given tickets to Walt’s place as well, but he dropped them and Demarcus Ware picked them up and ran off.

  6. Antonin Scalia was found dead with a pillow over his face. No foul play is suspected, however it’s a surprise about the Supreme Court Justice we never knew. He sometimes dreamt of being a Major League Umpire.

  7. A German shorthaired pointer won the Westminster Dog Show. When the French poodle encountered the German pointer, he rolled over and played dead.

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